ok to grieve? How long?

[benandoli]

I had a miscarriage 1 week ago and it was pretty horrific (I was 10 1/2 weeks) at the time husband was supportive but now I feel devastated and he thinks i should snap out of it and move on. He is treating me as if im unbalanced and makes me feel guilty for being so upset. But it has only been a week. We have 3 DC and I am holding it together in front of them but need time to fall apart and grieve when they are not around. I need his support then but he just thinks im wallowing. I have had a week off work and he thinks I should go back on Monday but I just dont feel ready. I mean I have a scan next friday to check everything has gone and until i have that i dont really know (although have had huge loss so pretty sure). How can I make him understand? Plus his mom and dad have been away whilst all this has been going on. They dont even know im pregnant. They are back today and i feel sure he will tell them but will not tell them how bad it was so they will think im being dramatic/ It pisses me off that he is leaving work early today to collect them from the airport but when i needed him home early to help with the children he couldnt do it. Please tell me im not mad and that its ok to grieve. It was my baby, our baby. We saw it on the scan, with no heartbeat and i felt it leave me.

[hildathebuilder]

yes its ok to grieve. it was a baby, and now its miscarried. That's a loss and hard to come to terms with.

I lost my first, cervical ectopic (ouch) and actually only took one day off work but thats me. I have several friends and colleagues who had miscarriages, they have usually taken about a week, some longer.

if you need longer take longer. Your gp will sign you off, and need not put miscarriage unless you want to.

I am not sure what to say about your DH, but try to explain how youu feel, also what about your mum or family, talking really helped me.

[daytoday]

I'm so sorry to hear your news. One week is no time.

I have had two miscarriages and felt devastated both times. I too felt confused about whether my feelings were 'justified.' I felt bereaved, especially after the first one. I felt like life was going on around me and I was in a bubble.

Please don't feel alone in this, Miscarriage is much more common than you may have thought, and your feelings are totally valid. Do remember that your body is also going through enormous hormonal changes. My mum gave me some good advice, she said that my heart was broken and broken hearts take a long time to mend.

My miscarriages are several years ago now, and I have fully recovered. I do think about them, but it isn't crushing.

[MmeLindt]

Sorry for your loss.

I think that men tend to want to move on, he knows that you are hurting and he does not know how to stop that hurt. While you have gone through the emotional and the physical side of the m/c so are obviously more affected by it.

It is ok to still be upset, and there is no "right" amount of time to grieve. I have had 3 m/c and each one was different, and I recovered differently from each one.

It is not just a m/c, it is the loss of a baby, and the reassessing your family, your life - as you had in your mind already readjusted things to welcome the new member of your family, started thinking about car seats and bedrooms and where to put the cot.

I know it hurts that he is leaving work early to pick up his parents, but I guess he will want to tell them in person. Don't forget that he has lost a baby too - he may be trying to move on but he is sure to be grieving inside and want to speak to his parents.

Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel? If it would help, perhaps he could read this thread to see how others felt in a similar situation.

[Iggi999]

I remember being really mad at my DP for not taking a day off work to help me when I had mc. Months later he told me he'd done the wrong thing, but at the time there was no way he could see that.
One week (as everyone will say) is no time, you're still in shock really after a week.
He may think "snapping out of it" is the best way to help you, as many men hate to see their wives so upset. But of course he's making you feel worse not better!
Do NOT go back to work if you don't feel more or less up to it, at some point you'll want to be back for the distraction but I wouldn't go before you're ready.
I completely get your final sentence, it is just such a horrible thing isn't it

[owlshoes]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you taking more than a week away from work if you need it. I went back to work after a week and in retrospect I needed longer - I was still too exhausted and emotional to do full days. I waited until after the scan to go back to work as I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with it before then.

Take this at your own pace, grieve as much as you need to and don't let anyone else dictate what you should be doing. It's very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't physically been through it how much mc can affect you but Lindt is right, your partner may well be grieving too and just in a different way and partners can find it very hard when you are hurting so much and they can't do anything to make it better, it makes them feel so helpless.

I hope you can find a way to talk to him about it. And I hope you feel better soon x

[MummyAbroad]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course you have every right to grieve, you have lost something very very precious to you and it hurts. Everybody grieves differently, take as much time as you need and dont feel pressured into recovering at anyone elses pace, only your own.

In my experience, suffering a miscarriage is a very lonely experience. I found that only people who had been through it themselves could really understand. It has been very comforting to talk to other women on MN about it and when I started telling people in RL (my first instinct was not to tell - v. silly!) other women told me their stories and it helped a lot.

I had a similar reaction from my DS. I guess they can never know what the crashing pregnancy hormones feel like (by the way, it takes a few weeks for them to normalise, so do look after yourself in the meantime) so its a very different experience for them. I found reading this helped a lot (in fact, the whole site is very good.)

If you are unable to get the support you need right now from family and friends, you could consider getting in touch with the miscarriage association, they are online and offer a counselling service.

Do keep posting on here if it helps,
take care of yourself

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[lillybloom]

I'm so sorry.

With my first m/c I was back at work after 2 days. It really was too early and I never dealt with the grief properly. With my 2nd (10 years later) my GP signed me off for a month. I'd no physical difficulties but she felt I needed time to deal with it. I am so grateful she did as it made me feel someone understood and forced me to take time out.

Mummyabroad has some great advice- find someone you can talk to as many people just can't understand.

My DH has never spoken about either m/c. When I do he listens but he says he can't talk about it. He supported me in his way by doing things around the house and dealing with my work and people phoning.I know he hurts but he deals with it differently. Perhaps telling his parents is your DH way of dealing with it.

[onceamai]

I'm so sorry. It's so hard and you must grieve. I think it's easy to forget how many hormones are involved when you have a miscarriage - and that makes it so much worse. Some men don't deal with it very well - mine didn't but it was a long time ago.