how to deal with my emotions?

[leosmummy19]

I posted a thread about having a miscarriage at 14 weeks. This happened 9 days ago. The circumstances around the miscarriage have concerned the doctors so they are now doing some tests before we try again, as the placenta coulld't sustain our growing baby.

I feel like I was in a daze for the first 4 days, but now I'm in "super-capable" mode, looking after our 3 year old, making Christmas cakes and puddings (??????)and talking to people in a "matter-of-fact" way, and I am going back to work on the advice of my GP who feels it will help rather than hinder me.

My husband and I are communicating, and we have discussed what we want to do, but he is in work mode, and I worry that we are both now blocking out what happened. I cry less and less every day, even though my baby is in my thoughts all of the time, and I know I haven't cried enough, but is this healthy? I am trying to be strong for my family and am tearful while I am writing this, but then the shutters come down and I'm off doing the next job.

Is it normal to feel like this? I don't want to bottle everything up. I haven't spoken to my closest friends yet, as they have been busy at work and I've not felt like talking in the evenings, but all of them want to call and talk this weekend and I'm dreading it. I feel guilty that I haven't spoken to them as they are worried, but I am feeling a bit pressured. I have a tendency to want to hibernate if I'm upset or stressed and not talk to anyone except my husband.

How are you dealing with your feelings, and is this all normal? Sorry for the essay again, and big hugs to all of you who are dealing with the devastation of losing your baby xxxxxxxx

I am so very sorry for your loss. I don't think there is any right way of dealing with a MC.

I found out that I had a MMC at 10 weeks 4 weeks ago, first 2 weeks was fine, well not fine but handled it - numb really. Then I let the MC happen naturally and the physical loss of the pregnancy has knocked me sideways, I am no longer coping very well.

I am like you, I don't like talking to anyone about it, in fact I can't except a friend who is currently sadly going through this too and also talking on MN.

I ordered Miscarriage - what every woman should know by Dr Lesley Regan and it has really helped me understand what is going on physically and emotionally - I would recommend it.

Again I am so very sorry for loss xx

KTRace, I am so very sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I hope you are finding strength from Mumsnet as it feels like this is the place where people understand what we are going through. It is just so hard and although my husband is very supportive, he just doesn't understand how I feel. He is upset, but has moved into practical overdrive and is more concerned with how we sort everything out than how we both feel. I guess it's a man-thing.

Please keep talking to your friend on MN. She will know exactly how you are feeling, and in time you may be able to open up to others. Thank you for the book reference. I will order it.

Take care, and big hugs xxxxx

Sorry for your loses leosmummy19 and KTRace I don't think there is a normal way to grieve tbh. I found out on Tuesday that I had a MMC, dating at 10 weeks but baby had died at around the 6 week mark. I was very upset on the day and cried a bit but since then the tears have been few and far between . After my first miscarriage I found telling people very empowering - for me getting it "out there" really helped. It's not for everyone. I'm doing the same this time around, but have done this mostly by text, friends have been very supportive but I think they realise that I want to know they are there for me but I don't want to have an in depth discussion. I do have two friends who have been through the same/worse and I will be talking to them about my feelings because they really do understand and I know that they understand which is very important. Physically there is not much going on so that is probably helping me to cope. Like your husband leo I have gone into practical overdrive partly as it helps me to feel more in control of the situation but also because I want to get it behind me so that I can start to try to conceive again. I've had a lot to organise this time as last time I miscarried naturally, so have been keeping myself busy with this and organising things that I had to postpone because of being pregnant - dental work and a knee op and I am planning planning planning. I have found being on MN incredibly supportive. On the face of it I'm doing incredibly well but I know that there is more to come emotionally - I have been comfort eating since I found out because when the chips are down the chips are in ifyswim - it's a coping mechanism for me, albeit a shit one really. I think it may well hit me a bit harder after I have had my ERPC next week and the hormones are pinging around the place. On top of that I have been unable to tell me family as they are away on holiday - my guess is that I will probably have a big emotional surge when I tell me mum.

God, I am waffling! Does any of that make sense/help?

my family/mum

oh and I got very drunk last night - that helped a bit

KTRace, leo'smummy and MissWooWoo, it's a sad group that we all belong to isn't it? I'm sorry to all of you for your losses.

I've posted before on another thread of yours KTRace and I think I said then there is no right way to grieve. I too went into big hibernate mode and then decided that I had to find some sort of meaning or positive from this loss and posted about it here

I still find that I am emotional about it and I don't think it is something you ever truly get over. Don't rush yourself. I also found that a good old drink helped me too!

Hi leosmummy, sorry to hear about your loss. It's sad because when I first came on here looking for support after my MMC, six weeks ago, I thought I must be the most unlucky person in the world to have this happen. Now that I've been on here longer, I realise there are so many of us out there, struggling to cope with losses. My MMC started on Aug 12th, a few days before my 12 week scan. I got a smear of blood and rang my local EPU. They got me in for an emergency scan the next day and then told me that the baby had died at 8+6.

At first, it was like I'd been hit by a train. I was in total shock as even when I saw my GP at 8 weeks to get booked in for scans etc and she told me 'oh you're past the high-risk phase for MC now, so that's good news'. So the MMC was a real shock. I also had no idea what MC involved as I had superstitiously always avoided this area of mumsnet... . So to cut a long story short, I booked in for an ERPC but things happened naturally on Aug 16th. I had a horrendously painful natural MC, where I had to go to hospital for pain relief, full contractions etc. The worst thing about that is that I feel as if no-one believes me now about the MC and how bad it was. My DH is the only one who really knows how traumatic it was, physically, as he was there and saw me screaming my head off. Now I'm starting to doubt my own mind as so many MC support info focuses on the bereavement and the lost baby but ignores how traumatising MC can be for the physical effects too. I genuinely thought i was going to die with all the blood and pain - I am not some wimp either, had been in hospital before, had painful surgery before etc.

That for me, is the hardest emotional aftermath of the MMC, trying to hold on to the reality of what happened. This is one of the reasons I won't tell anyone except for family and one close friend what happened to me as most people don't seem to understand the term 'miscarriage' as anything other than a heavy period. They don't seem to realise you have to pass a dead foetus out with full contractions etc. Just at work the other day, I heard some hag of a colleague had said about me that the sooner I got 'back in the saddle the better' and that I need to start 'facing people'. Amazing really, as she a.) can't have known that I'd had an MC as I never told work exactly what happened and had just put 'surgery for gynae issues' in my sick line and asked for it to be kept confidential (she apparently said 'we're guessing InMyPrime had a miscarriage or something' and b.) can't possibly know how bad it was for me or what stage of pregnancy I was at or how badly I wanted the baby so she can't judge. It really made me so angry to hear that. Apparently she also said 'I know what surgery is like - I've had three Caesareans'. Yes, lucky you, to have had 3 healthy children who all lived to adulthood (she's in her 50s). Well done. I have no children, this was my first pregnancy and I really wanted a child.

Maybe this is the anger stage of the grief process - I am finding myself feeling anger about things at the moment, especially against all the complacent people out there who never go through MC. At least I'm feeling something I suppose. I know what you mean, leosmummy, about the guilt you feel about just moving on and things going back to normal. I feel like that too sometimes.

Dear Inmyprime. Thank you so much for your message, and I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain.If it is any comfort, I too had a full on "labour" where contractions started, then my waters broke, and by the time the ambulance got me to hospital I was sucking on gas and air. It took 8 1/2 hours to deliver my baby and it was so traumatic, painful and desperately sad to know I wouldn't be holding my child in my arms at the end of it all.

I really hope that when you feel able you try again and have a beautiful healthy child of your own. The support from Mumsnst is amazing and many women who have had miscarriages go on to have healthy babies afterwards. The obstetrician was spouting figures of 25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage which doesn't help emotionally, but it helps me to know I am not alone. I know I am really fortunate to have a little boy who's nearly 3 already, and having this miscarriage has stopped me in my tracks and made me see how precious life is, and never to take things for granted.

I am not suprised you are angry with the "smugness" of your colleague. I'm sure she was meaning well, but some comments are too close to the bone to be comfortable. I am so so sorry for your loss, and I hope we all find the strength to deal with our losses. I am even feeling guilty that I haven't really cried today. Been scrubbing floors and cleaning, and looking after Leo who has a fever. How ridiculous is that? I really believe deep down that we need to be kind to ourselves during this time. But why is my own advice so difficult to take.

I empathise and sympathise with you so much IMP, and hope that you feel stronger soon. We do have to carry on, but it just feels so hard sometimes. Big big hugs to you xxxxx

just read your posts on the other thread BuckBuck it's really helped. Inmyprime I am in shock at that old bag of a woman ... they have no idea. So sorry that you have both been through these experiences, unfortunately there are plenty of us here on mumsnet who can emphathise

After posting yesterday I had a bit of a melt down. Things have started to move along physically and there was quite a lot of blood and some pain. I went to bed and sobbed for half an hour solid. I felt very frightened - for the pain and what I might see/pass. I haven't passed the fetus but there have been some massive clots - it might be that I don't need the ERPC next week, I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I really really don't want to go through this. I'm also feeling frightened for my daughter, am terrified that something is going to happen to her . I guess that is a "normal" way to feel? I'm also feeling very very cross and quite frankly would like to punch someone

I hope you are all finding comfort in some shape or form and taking care of yourselves.

MissWooWoo I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and wish there was something I could say to help you feel better. Everything you are feeling seems normal....especially the anger and worrying that something will happen to your daughter. I feel the same about my little boy too.

The physical effects of miscarriage seem to be so rarely discussed, and I know mine was painful, very traumatic and I was also afraid of what I was going to see. I deleiverd the tiny baby after 8 1/2 hours of "labour" into a bed pan in hospital, on my own, and I didn't look. Now I wonder whether I should have? Please keep posting on MN as there are so many people who can empathise.

I meant to reply to your earlier post, which was really helpful, and I took your advice and downed a bottle of wine last night. At least I cried! I also read BuckBuck's thread and cried my eyes out but found her honesty so helpful.

I am sending you such a big hug and wish I could take your pain away but I know I can't. Keep being strong. xxxxxxxx

thanks for your kind words leosmummy and I wish there was something I could do for you - "talking" on MN is helping no? Good for you on the wine front.

I am petrified of delivering the baby which is why I hope hope hope that nothing more happens and the ERPC goes ahead on wednesday. Hardly any blood today but am starting to feel twingy now and I know from the first time round there is more physical stuff than what I have experienced this time round. It is a very odd situation to be in ... actually wanting to have a "procedure".

I am hoping to start the week in a more positive light tomorrow with a view to helping my body get over the shock - lots of fresh fruit and vegetables and lots of extra cuddles with my daughter.

take care of yourselves everyone

Hi all,

Delivering the baby was the hardest part of the whole experience for me it is something I still don't think i have come to terms with and still feel massive guilt over. I went to miscarriage counselling and it did help me to realise that it wasn't my fault and that the hospital treated me shabbily.

I am not trying to be insensitive by mentioning this but do want to offer hope, I am pg at the moment, I've got 6 weeks to go so good things can happen after miscarriage

I think it also helped that we waited for a while and in my head I am very conscious that this is not a replacement baby for the one we lost.

MissWooWoo, crying and rage are very normal emotions IME, I spent lots of time seething at the injustice of it. I honestly think that it is something you need to go through.

Sending cwtches to everyone x

That's fantastic news BuckBuck!! I am thrilled for you and it is brilliant to hear some good news.

Thank you so much to everyone on MN. You are all really helping me (when my husband is being less than understanding...)

Big hugs to everyone xxx

Went through it all (second time in 3 months for us) the last few weeks... helped that they took over a month to fully conclude the babies (oh yes, to add to the pain it was twins) were dead and my body did such a crackingly good job of hanging onto things I had to have a D+C in the end (I refuse refuse to refuse to belittle it as "products of conception"). Quite bizarrely proud of how hard my body tried to hang onto it all for so long to be honest - which prob makes no sense to anyone.

Hubby's in the work and doing STUFF overload mode and won't talk about it unless pushed - but I know him well enough to know he's absolutely heart broken.

Me, I'm in the total shutdown survival mode I go in naturally when things get bad - keep going out of the house to a bare minimum (can't face babies, can't face pregnant women, can't even face the night sky because I think are they stars up there and why didn't they stay with me). As for anger - yep, but being peed off and angry is all that's getting me through things at the moment - so sod it I'm not being told off by anyone for grieving inappropriately if it's what's making me function.

What's keeping us going is that we were already with the wheels in motion to buy our first house. While it still could all fall through (and if it does it will break me utterly), knowing where we're going and planning what we're going to do has taken over - basically interior design and kitchen porn overload. If it all falls through (survey should be this week fingers crossed and we know what it'll throw up since it's a few doors down from where we currently rent) - then I don't know how we'll cope.

We're floundering - neither of us wants to eat particularly so the diet's gone out of the window, neither of us can face the gym - it's just survival until I guess one day it hurts a bit less. Doesn't quite feel like the sun will ever shine again anymore and I'm incredibly incredibly wobbly - but you either keep going or it swallows you and drives you mad. I'm not going to hide in silence, bow down to those whose plumbing works properly and be ashamed like some dirty little secret to hide though which is what people still seem to expect you to do with miscarriages - that helps as well... like I say, guess it boils down to the anger being good to keep you going forward.

We get seen round here for recurrent miscarriages now before the 3 required elsewhere - I don't know if it's because of the close proximity of the two we've had, or them having a lucky cancellation or what - that may give us some answers one day too I hope. I may sound like I'm together and back to my usual ratty self - I'm not and I don't think I ever will be, but I can pretend to be.

leosmummy thanks for your kind words and I am glad you are getting through this with MN xx

Hi all, just checking in on the thread again to see how you're all doing. I am feeling better than I was during my rage moments last week anyway but it really does help to come on here and see that there are so many others battling with the same feelings. Today, I think I did very well as I was coming out of the pharmacy on the way home and managed to hold the door open for a woman coming through with a pushchair and a baby in it.

The day after my scan when I found out the baby had died, I was going through the same door of the same pharmacy and almost walked straight into a woman coming out, carrying a baby in her arms (I live in YummyMummy-ville. We are in the process of moving house...). It floored me completely at the time and I had to turn on my heel and walk back out to the street, crying. This time, I could face the baby without it affecting me. Actually, if I'm honest I was a bit miffed as the mother didn't even thank me but just sailed past without a word. Then I thought, well, at least I'm making progress. I don't feel angry at her for having a baby, just that she didn't acknowledge my help at all

Sorry to hear about all of your experiences as well. It's horrible to say it, but I'm so glad that you said that delivering the baby was so hard and painful, leosmummy and BuckBuck as I really was starting to doubt my sanity on that as if I'd been some wimp for not just sitting at home with an aspirin and a hot water bottle... Also BuckBuck it is not insensitive at all to say that you are expecting now. I'm really glad to hear that and I hope that it all goes well for you. I'm clinging to the hope that I'll be in that position some time soon as well, although at the moment I'm still at the stage of looking up breeds of dog, admittedly family-friendly ones...

Thanks, leosmummy, for starting this thread and reminding us all to share our experiences. It's great to have support and empathy - I hope you are feeling stronger now too as a result and that you are slowing down and looking after yourself.

oh not at all insensitive BuckBuck, I think it is fabulous news and gives me hope!

emptyshell I'm so sorry that you are going through such a horrible time

I agree with you InMy Prime it is really really helpful to share our experiences and to know that there are others out there who can totally emphathise. I am feeling much better in myself today after a tough few days. Just back from my scan which showed there is virtually nothing left, which means I don't have to have an ERPC tomorrow. Good (in as much as it can be) news. So, it seems that I miscarried naturally on saturday which explains the pain and the floods of tears. Luckily my dp had a very bad back some time back and had some very strong painkillers, I took one of those on saturday and told him it wasn't doing anything as the pain was still there. I know think that without this painkiller it would have been so much worse. Sorry if this is a bit too much ... I did pass something that I presumed was just a massive clot but am now thinking that must have been the fetus - I could hardly bare to look at it and just flushed it away

I think the thing to bear in mind is that although I am feeling ok today (had a few tears as I left the hospital) I still need to be kind to myself because there are bound to be days when I don't feel so great. Thank goodness for MN!

Hope you are all finding strength from somewhere x