How on earth do I move on?

[JacG]

Hello,

I went for my dating scan yesterday to discover that our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I have no idea how to deal with this, no idea how we can move on and terrified that this means that I'll never have another baby. I already have a gorgeous little girl who is almost 2 and she is keeping me going but the thought of her being an only child breaks my heart.

I have booked for an EPRC later this week as my body has held on to the pregnancy for 4 weeks now and I can't contemplate keeping it going indefinatley. I need some closure, does that sound heartless?

I know that there are so many of us on here who have been through the same thing. What should I expect from the surgery? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can just be me again and move on. I know it's early days and at the moment I am just waiting to get the ERPC over. Thanks for listening to my rambles, helps to write it down.

Hi JacG. I can't advise on the ERPC but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. Someone else will be along shortly I'm sure. I'm so sorry you have lost your LO. I miscarried my first pregancy naturally last week (monday 6th) at 7 wks. I was totally devastated and didn't know how I was going to manage to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. I still feel a huge range of emotions, but what I can say is it does get easier to cope once your hormone levels start to drop. For me that started to happen after a few days and although the experience is still horrid, it became much more managable. I took another big step forward when the bleeding stopped yesterday. It will get better. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. Hugs xxx

Thanks you Wombat. I'm sorry to hear your news. I am heartened to hear that you are already feeling like you are dealing with it. I think until Friday is over I will be a bit in limbo.
Thanks again for your kind words. Take care.

So sorry to hear your news. You must have been very shocked and upset.

I have had two missed miscarriages and two ERPC. The procedure in itself is relatively straightforward. They'll put you under general anaesthetic and then you'll come around after the procedure. You might have to stay overnight, depending on the time of your operation. If any emergencies come in, they'll make you wait.

Afterwards, you'll have some bleeding but not lots. The hormonal swing after was like really severe PMT. I was low, snappy, and incredibly angry.

The emotional recovery was much hard. I was utterly, utterly heartbroken after my first miscarriage. I already had a healthy two year old, like yourself. It never crossed my mind I would have a miscarriage. I was very very blue, bereaved, for several months. Things that helped me where - cards from friends. Talking and connecting to others who had been through the same experience. It is so common. I would say 30% of my friends have had miscarriages.

But also, I worried a great deal about what would happen to the baby inside me, after the procedure. Most hospitals have information about how they treat this - there are several dignified options.

I hope that helps. I went on to have testing and there was nothing wrong with me. I then had another two completely normal pregnancies and two more lovely healthy children. I do still think about my two miscarriages but it doesn't hurt, it's more bittersweet.

Dear Jac - I know exactly how you feel. I felt like my world had ended when I miscarried on NYE at 8 weeks - it was my first pg and I couldn't look at happy broods of mothers and kids without feeling like I was dying. I desperately wanted to get pg again, but a naturopath persuaded me to wait 3 months, take extremely good care of myself, get reflexology and eat well. After 3 months, we tried and got pg immediately. On reflection I think the miscarriage was my body's way of getting ready for my DD and I am amazed that I now feel no heartbreak about it at all. Do whatever you need to do to heal yourself, your DD will help you heal too, and she won't be an OC, closure is necessary, not heartless at all. big hugs

Thank you daytoday and babymutha for your responses and kind words. They have made me feel more positive and I WILL get there, in time.

Babymutha, I feel like I need to give my body chance to recover before we try again. Do you feel the reflexology helped you?

Daytoday, thank you for sharing your experience of erpc with me. I am preparing for a long wait and crossing my fingers and toes that they won't keep me overnight.

Thank you Loopymumsy. So sorry to hear of your MMC too, it is a hideous thing to have to go through and very unfair. All of your experiences have helped me feel a little more understood and a little less alone so thank you.

At the moment I have discovered that chocolate is the way forward. One day at a time, hey.

Hi JacG, sorry to hear that you've been through the MMC trainwreck experience as well. It must have been a huge shock to just find out at your dating scan with no hint that anything was wrong. In terms of moving on, it's a cliche, but time is a great healer. My MMC was about a month ago. I was 11 weeks when I got a smear of blood and some mucus on Aug 12th so had an emergency scan on Aug 13th (a very unlucky Friday 13th for me ), 5 days before my dating scan was due. I too had no idea anything was wrong until that smear of blood showed up and I had really thought I was in the home strait, was gearing up to tell everyone etc so, like you, the shock was intense when they told me the baby had died at 8+6. I miscarried naturally a couple of days later (bit of a hellish experience it was too so ERPC definitely seems the right route to go for since it hasn't happened naturally for you yet).

Now, the pain and shock is fading gradually just with time, I have to say. A month ago I too thought I would never be the same again and would never move on and while I'm still shaky and sad about what happened, I am amazed at how much 'better' I do actually feel, even just 4 weeks on. I was saying to my husband last night how hard it is now to remember it all. It's sort of gone fuzzy in my mind and it seems now like it all happened years ago to someone else or something. Do make sure you take time to grieve properly though and talk things through with someone, read other people's experiences, take time going back to work etc. I am glad I gave myself some space to do that because I do now feel that I've dealt with it and can move on. Even yesterday, I walked past a pair of mothers in the park, one with twins in a double buggy (!!) and one with a 2 or 3 month old and it didn't really upset me. A couple of weeks ago it would have. One thing that also helps a lot is the hormones coming down as while they are changing back to normal, you are in a lot of turmoil and feel weepy and tired but once they're back to pre-pregnancy norms, you do start to feel like yourself again.

My biggest concern now, like you, is that I won't be able to have any children at all (it was my first pregnancy so no other kids) or also that'll happen again. That's all worries for the future though. In terms of the MMC itself, I do feel able to accept it and move on now. It does help to know, via MN and other sites, that there are so many others out there that it has happened to and that you're not alone. So many people have been through it, or worse, and come out the other end so I'm trying to stay optimistic for the future and I'm sure you will too with time.

Thank you InMyPrime, I can't tell you how much I need to hear from other mumsnetters who have been through the same. Your stories all give me hope that I will climb out of this black hole.

I'm sorry to hear of your MMC and again I am heartened by how positive you are already and hoping that I can be that way too. Like you say any worries I have are for the future and I'll deal with them another day.

I hadn't really thought that I'd need to give myself a bit of time out. I am at work today but work from home so haven't got to face people, but I do take on board that I may need to take some time out.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

So sorry to hear about your MMC. It is a real shock when you find that out at a scan. It happened to me at the end of July and I had an ERPC five days later. I couldn't bear the idea of carrying around a dead "baby" and just waiting. Those five days were the hardest time. For two days I did little other than cry all day and night. I couldn't do anything at all - you need to give yourself that time to let the worst of it out.

You do indeed recover much faster physically than emotionally, but be prepared to feel quite physically weak for a while too. The grief and sleeplessness made me feel low, I was in a bit of pain after the erpc and I had the bleeding to deal with too. It takes it out of you so ensure you have help with day to day stuff getting done. You probably won't feel up to much for at least a week, probably two. I didn't take sleeping pills for the first two weeks but eventually it got too much and I had some on prescription.

I wondered how I was going to manage to go on but it will get easier. I'm back at work now and although I have incredible feelings of sadness, I can get through more than half of the days without crying and have found some pleasure in being able to get back on with things I enjoy. It took nearly five weeks to get my period back and I am finding some hope and comfort, albeit tinged with a great fear, in trying for another baby. Nothing will replace my first lost baby, but the hope of having children in the future is something to help me move forward.
It is really hard when I see that my partner seems to have put it behind him. People deal with things differently though. And it is different for us women who have to suffer the worst of it. It was really hard when people made well-meant sympathy comments that ended up being a bit tactless. I had told loads of people about the pregnancy and untelling was difficult.

The erpc is not pleasant by any means but it is over with quickly - I was let out at lunchtime the same day. I did post about it on here. I think it is better to get it over with quickly, and better than enduring a natural miscarriage at 12 weeks. In my case, even though the baby had stopped growing, my uterus was still the right size for ten weeks so that would have been a lot more miscarrying than at six or seven weeks when the pregnancy most likely ended. I had recovered from pain/bleeding within a week but was not told the whole truth about what to expect afterwards and ended up spending a night in hospital. Get some decent prescription strength painkillers if you need them.

wishing you all the best for the future. I hope you recover quickly and your erpc goes smoothly. Be kind to yourself and do/don't do whatever it is that will help you get through these coming days.

Good Morning,

I just wanted to pop back and say thank you for all of your kind words last week, I can't tell you how much it helped me.

I had the ERPC on Friday, the procedure itself was quick and straightforward as many of you commented and I have spent this weekend taking it easy.

Today I am back at work, I work from home and so no-one to face. I'm not sure that this was the best plan, but it seems easier for me to deal with if I get my "routine" back and have something else to think about. I think in my head, if my routine is back to normal then my body and therefore cycle will be soon too. Clutching at straws, I realise!

Big hugs to you all and thank you again.

Just found this thread. Glad to hear the procedure went as well as can be expected.

I would second all the suggestions that you spend some time looking after yourself. Particularly if that's what you feel you need.

My experience was that I spent 6 months looking after myself before TTC again, and got pg first month trying. I saw a dietician and improved my eating habits, stepped up my pilates to twice a week and had a massage about once every three weeks. Also had a long weekend away with DH (no older DCs though, so easier).

I also have friends who didn't need to wait and also found they got pg first month of trying. It does seem for many of us that the miscarriage helps prepare our bodies for a healthy pg. Obviously not always the case, and one of the friends did have 2 mc before successful pg.

Really hope you feel better and able to try again when you're ready.

JacG, glad to hear the proceedure went well. Take care of yourself and take it easy this week. I didn't take time off either (though I didn't have an ERPC as it happened naturally) as I thought the mornal routine would help. It did, I think, but I've also been rather distracted at work and not very productive, so don't put too much pressure on yourself too soon xxx