Sending a gift after a miscarriage?

[DivineInspiration]

A good friend of mine just missed-miscarried a very-much-longed-for pregnancy at 11 weeks. It's her second miscarriage since April, assisted conception, she's devastated.

After her last miscarriage I sent her and her partner a sapling for their garden, and they were really touched by it. I really want to send something again to let them know I'm thinking about them, as I can't be there for them physically. I'm going to post a card and make it clear I'm here for her (and him) if she (they) needs to talk about it, but that somehow doesn't seem enough when I really want to just give her a big hug and take the weight and the grief off her for a bit (which I can't do, we live at opposite ends of the country.)

I was thinking they might appreciate an Abel & Cole box of things like Green & Blacks chocolate, desserts, cake and nice jam/honey, which are sort of nice and earthy and comforting but not hugely indulgent (which they might not want at this time.) I know cut flowers can be upsetting and bath or body things doesn't really express my sympathy to her DP as well.

Do you think the Abel & Cole box would be welcome or would they rather just have the card? I don?t want to send a 'replace your baby with food' type gift. I'm utterly gutted for them.

You sound like a lovely friend I really appreciated the few gifts I got (not meaning that in a poor me way, just that friends/family reacted differently)

I agree flowers aren't so very great but my friend bought me a orchid which is still thriving 3 weeks later (miracle in my house!)

Hmm food gifts? I would maybe think not, I loved it when friends would come with a bottle which we'd drink together but I personally wouldn't want a jar of posh jam or whatever lying around in the cupboards for weeks. So I vote no. Can you do another growing gift, the sapling idea was lovely...

You sound like a truly wonderful friend. It is such a personal thing and very difficult to acknowledge without accidentally upsetting them further. I agree that you should steer well clear of flowers. They just die and act as a horrible reminder of why they were there in the first place and there are far too many reminders as it is.

I quite like your idea. The first thing I did to cheer myself up after that horrible scan was to go and buy all the things I had been forbidden in my pregnancy: wine, blue cheese, pate...but again it's a very personal thing and won't help if they don't like these things normally.

Someone sent me a huge box of Hotel Chocolat chocolates in the week following my miscarriage and wrote on the card, "Not the answer, but we hope this helps a bit." It made me howl, but in a good way if you know what I mean. I knew they were thinking of me and thought it really considerate that they had sent such a lovely gift too. Chocolate also has the added bonus of a reasonable shelf life, making it less likely to go off and cause further upset.

The truth is, nothing you can do can really help, but letting them know you are there when they are ready to talk is such a support in those early days. IMHO, the sentiments you express in the card will go the furthest to helping them. Any gift you send is just an added kindness.

What about a necklace with a small pendant of a forget me not flower? That's what I have and wear it all the time, or what about a few poems in a card, your friend will definitely cry but is something she will keep in a special place forever as a memory.

Personaly I'm not too sure about foodstuffs, I wasn't bothered about food for weeks.

Whatever you decide to send I'm sure your friends will appreciate it.

I think just telling them you are thinking of them and will never forget her babies and not being afraid to bring up the subject in weeks to come when everyone around them stops mentioning it in case of upsetting them will help them the most.

Workmate sent me a letter after we lost dd1 at 21w. Inside were a few squares of her delicious home-made tablet. I cried, because it was such a lovely, simple gesture.

Actually, perhaps another sapling or plant, so their 2 dcs are sort of "together", iyswim?

Agree with habbibu on plant thing but yeah as brokenbits says, hotel chocolat is very good if you know they are choccy lovers and you can write a little message too

It depends on what your friend's personality is. Some people like to keep a momento and never forget and some prefer to grieve but not to dwell. Everyone has a different way of dealing with their own pregnancy loss.

If she is the first type then another sapling is a lovely idea, however, if she is more of the second type then some self indulgent goodies would be lovely. One of my close friends sent me a package with some lovely organic chocolate and some bath smellies. To me, both when I received them and when I enjoyed them, they were each like a metaphorical hug and comfort from my friend which was very welcome.

Above all, just your support will mean the world to her.

What a thoughtful idea. When I had a miscarriage my best friends bought me a heart shaped crystal, beautiful to look at, she wrote in the card that it's something I can keep in a box and remember, take it out and look at it or hold it in the palm of my hand when I need to. I was so touched, and it helped. I took it out of the box lots in those dark early days, I've not looked at it in ages now but I always know it's there.

Best friend not friends.

Some wood anemone corms to plant under the sapling?
They are white star shaped flowers which like woodland, flower in spring.

Lily of the valley?

I think you are a really thoughtful person and a great friend. I would stick with your first choice of gift because it is what YOU chose personally and I am sure you friend will see the gift for what it is, a very kind gesture. Nothing you give will actually make her feel better but the gesture will be appreciated enormously.

In contrast to the other posters I also think cut flowers are OK. Mainly because my friend bought me some, it was unexpected, kind and I will never forget it.

I was given a jasmine from one friend when this happened to me, amongst lots of flowers etc. This was definitely the best gift as it is growing in the garden and I can look at it. The lovely letters I received were the greatest comfort I think though. You sound lovely and so thoughtful.