2nd mmc

[ambkad]

Am currently 12+4 weeks pregnant, woke up on sat morning with pink discharge, booked an emergency scan at a private clinic to be told that baby had died at 8/9 weeks, and will have to wait for spontaneous evacuation. Am gutted!

The same happened in December.

DP insists we will not try again. I am finding this almost as hard to deal with.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am in the same position as you. I was told a week ago baby had died at roughly the same time as yours, I am waiting for MC to start. I also MC at 9 weeks in December.

I can not contemplate TTC at the moment as it has taken too much energy and stress and heartache. I understand where your partner is coming from. My DH finds it hard to watch me go through the physical and emotional pain of a MC so perhaps that is how your DH feels? Perhaps he just needs time, I know I do. I think next year I may have the energy to give this one more shot but now I can't.

I am so very sorry for you both xx

Hi, just wanted to add that my DPs first reaction on our (my) 2nd mc was to say we wouldn't try again.
After about a week he seemed to change his mind a bit without further discussion, and now he is keen to try again.
Obviously your DP might not be the same, but my point is that your reaction while in the midst of the shock and grief may not be what you want when you've had more time to think.
So sorry by the way.

I am so so sorry.

Out of interest, did they tell you you have to wait for it to spontaneously happen or is that your choice?

I felt the same way as your DH after my second mmc. I am now soooo broody its me having to convince DH rather than the other way round.

Rest well, and you will both heal in time.

ambkad am so sorry to read your post.

I agree with Iggi about it being very early in your grief to make definitive decisions on next steps. It may be that your DP is just reacting to the shock and pain that you are both going through right now.

FWIW I felt a bit like that after my 2nd MMC; in that I totally understood why people felt they couldn't carry on putting themselves through the roller-coaster. I hadn't understood that before, walking in the shoes and all that.

Do you have DCs already? How old are you? I only ask because if time is not ticktocking for you, you have the time and space to recover emotionally and re-group. I am 42 and have just had my 3rd MMC in 12 months; in some ways it's easier being as ancient as I am, as I literally can't afford to take that time. It's sort of now or never... and at the moment it's kinda looking like never :(

Also curious as to why you have been told to wait for nat MC, have you not been offered the three options?

Thinking of you at what I know it is a horrible time.

Sorry to hear about your experience. It must be so horrible to go through an MMC for the second time. I felt awful after I had my MMC 3 weeks ago (similar situation - was 11 weeks, baby had died at 9 wks). It was 'only' my first MC but also my first pregnancy. I went on to have a very painful natural miscarriage, where I was hospitalised. When the doctor checked on me the next day, he said to me that there is no reason to think that I can't try again and I just told him that I couldn't even bear the thought of that and was planning to just buy a dog instead (!).

It's been 3 weeks now and I have to say that I still feel very scared about trying to get pregnant again so I can only imagine how much worse it must be after a second MMC. It took me about 9 months to get pregnant first time around so I'm really not sure how I would cope if I'm sitting here again in the same situation I'm in now in a year's time. It's so tough that we can't get any advice or tests done until there have been 3 MCs. I am actually thinking now about getting some private tests done, to find out how likely another MC is, if that's possible.

Is there a counselling service available at your hospital? I am now seeing a counsellor about my experience and particularly my anxiety about TTC again and I'm hoping this will help to manage my anxiety to some degree and build up some courage to try again as I do still want children, deep down (just wish I was a man and didn't have to go through the physical stuff ).

Sorry for your loss and I hope things start to seem brighter soon.

So sorry you are going through this. I had a MMC 5 months ago, and my DP is not as keen to try again as I am. I so understand where you are coming from in saying you are finding that as hard to deal with as the MC itself - it feels hard enough going through the MC, but the thought of no light at the end of the tunnel is unbearable, isn't it?

There is every chance your DP may change his mind in time though - it is still very early days & it is hard for them seeing us go through the pain of a miscarriage, so I understand why the thought of going through it again scares them. Give yourselves time to heal & then maybe discuss it again at a later date.

Thinking of you at this hard time.

I am so sorry

If this helps at all, I had two unexplained MMC's, then went on to have two healthy pregnancies.

This is all so raw for you both at the moment, but the chances really are still good you can carry a baby to term in the future x

i'm another who decided enough was enogh after 2 mmc in a row. decision made in the heat in the moment.

give yourself and your dh sometime to get over what has happened then have a good talk about what you both want.

i changed my mind and am now 25wks pg. it has not been easy, i had 4 mc in a row but it was defo worth going through it.

everyone is different though.

hope you are getting the support you need in rl.

take care. x

Oh, Ambkad, sorry. I had 2 MMCs before my DS. I do understand your DH's reaction though. It is hard on them. Lesley Regan's book says that until you've had five (5!!) MCs in a row (yep, in a row) your chances of carrying a baby to term successfully are still higher than not. Maybe your DH would benefit from reading her book? I think it is hard for men to know what to do.

Good luck and take care of yourself.