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Original poster

Lost babies and names

14 replies

LincolnLogs · 31/08/2010 02:17

Namechanged.

Am 19+2 with DC1. We have just found out there is a 90% chance I will miscarry before 22 weeks Sad Sad

We have had names picked since the word go, never wavered.

I am going to sound terrible for saying this, but am I being selfish in wanting to save the names for any future children we may have? Has anyone else had experience of this? Did you use the names you'd originally chosen or pick a different one? I'd also like to choose a name with some different significance, something to do with heaven/the stars, etc.

OP posts:
LongtimeinBrussels · 31/08/2010 08:13

I'm so, so sorry for your loss Sad. I had a mmc, found out at the 12 week scan. We discovered the baby was a girl (genetic testing) so in my head (not to anyone else as it was considered "only" a miscarriage) I called her the girl's name we had discussed as for me that name was linked to that child.

However, I think you should do whatever you want to do. As the days progress you will see how you feel about the names you have chosen and whether or not they feel right for this baby.

Please come back to this section of mumsnet as I'm sure you will find lots of support to get you through the coming days/weeks.

(((((hugs)))))

KTRace · 31/08/2010 08:23

I am so sorry for your loss. I have just found out at 10 weeks that I have had a MMC. I have always thought that it was a girl, she will be getting one of the names from our list.

This is my second MC and I disregarded all names from the previous list for this pregnancy, but only because that is what I felt comfortable with.

You should call your baby whatever you want to, you are not being selfish at all.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

As LongtimeinBrussels has said please do come back to this board for support as the women on here are just amazing and are really helping me get through my tough time.

Hugs from me too xx

wonderif · 01/09/2010 15:10

am so sorry you are going through this i had a mmc at 18 weeks, routine check up and no heartbeat.

i didnt use the name i was going to, i chose something else and no its not selfish, its whatever your comfortable with.

thoughts r with you x

nancydrewrocked · 01/09/2010 15:16

I'm so sorry you are going through this - you must do whatever you feel comfortable with.

When we lost our DS2 we fleetingly wondered whether we ought to "save" the name for a child that might live but the fact was that the name we had chosen was his name and saving it would not have felt right for me. That being said I do know people who have done as you have suggested and never regretted that decision.

Do you have some RL support - both the boards here and Sands are excellent.

Wishing you all the very best.

MummyAbroad · 01/09/2010 16:20

I am so sorry for you are going through this. You might find reading this helpful...

www.pregnancyloss.info/honoring_your_baby.htm#name

I agree with the other posters, there is no "right" or "wrong" answer to your question. Go with your own instincts.

hugs xxxx

twolittlemonkeys · 01/09/2010 16:29

I had a MC back in May. We hadn't decided on a name, though I had a few in mind which I liked, but as we didn't know whether it was a boy or girl I decided to call him/her Robin as I was due on Christmas eve! DH doesn't know I've mentally given our lost baby a name (he'd probably think I'm crackers). So anyway, I still have a list of names I like - none of them were unisex names so couldn't have used one in our case as we didn't know the sex of the baby.

twolittlemonkeys · 01/09/2010 16:30

Oh sorry pressed post too soon. I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do. Just follow your own feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this.

laloony · 01/09/2010 16:34

We had names for my first pregnancy which was the first of 5 mcs.

I have never been able to use that name, and have not picked out names for any of the other losses.... becuase its easier that way...for me anyway.

cece · 01/09/2010 16:34

We chose another name. We chose Hope for her.

SacharissaCripslock · 01/09/2010 16:37

Ooo snap, twolittlemonkey! The baby I m/c at 14 weeks we called Robin (and was due in December). Smile

That time we used an entirely new name once we knew we'd lost him but when we lost out DS2 (at 36 weeks) we gave him our favourite name, so we've done it both ways.

OP, like everyone else has said I think the right thing to do is whatever YOU feel is right. I'm so so sorry to hear that you may lose your baby. Sad

LongtimeinBrussels · 01/09/2010 21:17

Oh Sacharissa, so, so sorry to hear of your two losses. How very unfair and cruel life is :(

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 02/09/2010 18:21

lincolnlogs so sorry you are going through this Sad

I lost my baby at 16 weeks, and DH felt exactly like you (ie wanted to save the names we had picked out). It didn't bother me in the same way, but I fully understand where he (and you) are coming from. In the end it didn't matter anyway because we had to pick a unisex name. Also, I found I didn't want to use those names because suddenly we had different naming criteria (ie don't need to worry about whether it goes with our surname or looks good on a cv, just needs to have a really nice meaning).

So I don't think it's odd to feel as you do, and also think it's a lovely idea to go for a name with a really special meaning. We chose Daryl which means "dearly loved". Other names we considered (but needed us to know the gender for sure) were Amy (again, means loved), Seren (star), or for a boy Heddwyn (welsh, means "blessed peace") or one of the angels' names (Michael, Gabriel, Raphael).

There are lots of beautiful names around with lovely meanings and I hope you manage to find one that you're really comfortable with. Will be thinking of you x

KarenHL · 14/10/2010 21:45

Sorry Lincolnlogs that you are going through this. Thank you for posting your question as I am going through a similar debate with myself.

I will be 29 weeks tomorrow and we have been told that our baby is unlikely to survive birth, or if he does, that he won't live long (we've known since wk20 scan that something is wrong).

Before we even conceived, I had chosen a name. I am now wavering as the name is DH's grandfathers' - from what I have heard, a very 'alive' man in every way. Part of me is uncertain of giving our son this name, and part of me feels v.guilty for even considering that. There is also the possibility that we might not choose to try for another child (not able to think about it atm).

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

spilttheteaagain · 15/10/2010 11:59

LincolnLogs I am so so sorry you are going through this.

I have just lost a baby at 20 weeks (a MMC so it was probably around 16 weeks that the baby died). We named our baby Bobbie, which was not a name we'd thought about at all.

Like someone else said, the naming "criteria" changed - it's no longer a case of thinking of a name that would fit for babyhood, childhood and adulthood, it's not even a name that we have to share with anyone in RL if we don't want to so in someways there's a lot more freedom. However we don't know yet if our baby was a boy or girl so we restricted ourselves to unisex names (we considered Alex, Jo, Robin and some naturey ones as well like Eden).

Go with what feels right for you and don't worry about anyone else. I suppose we could be said to have "saved" our favourite names for the future too, but actually it was more that none of our planned names worked for this tragic and unexpected change of circumstances.

Be gentle with yourselves and I do so hope for you that your baby is in the 10%.

Much love xx

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