Am I being over-sensitive?

[Tallybear]

Sorry in advance for the long post...

I returned to work on Monday following a mmc and erpc. I'd told my manager, my assistant and HR that I was pregnant as I was off a lot with morning sickness, but didn't want anyone else to know until I was past the 12 weeks, for obvious reasons.

When I returned this week I found out (by accident and over the course of 3 days) that everyone in my team knew weeks ago that I was pregnant. Apparently my manager told our new head of team (to be expected, I was going to tell him anyway), except that they got the dates wrong and thought that I would be going on m leave in Oct/Nov (rather than the planned Jan), which happened to coincide with my assistant, who is also pg and due to go end Oct. 'As a matter of urgency' while I was on leave, and without waiting to check with me or HR, they decided to organise cover for us, which included asking others in the team if they would move across to cover various posts. This resulted in three people in the team being told that I was pregnant (without my consent or knowledge). Another person found out when cover for my job was 'discussed' in the office, who then told his staff (he told me today that as he knew he presumed it was not confidential). No-one seemingly questioned why I was not telling them myself or not talking about it.

This of course meant that, when I told my manager (in confidence) that I'd had a mc, everyone needed to be told the change of plan/current situation.

No-one thought to tell me, at any stage, that everyone knew and I only found out by accident when I returned on Monday and someone (luckily only the two of us were in) saying how sorry he was to hear what happened. Only after digging around for the past 3 days (frequently disappearing to the toilets in tears) and asking people outright (over email!) did I find out the above - no-one was planning to tell me that everyone knew my personal and private business - ironic if you think about it.

I had a go at my manager today, who was genuinely apologetic but could not fully explain what had happened, although filled me in a bit more. The head of team is not in until Friday so I can't speak to him - but on top of what I've been through I am so angry and upset at the multiple breaches of confidentiality on two different matters, and the method that I had to find out about it. I don't want to make a complaint through HR (I have to work with everyone after all and we'd all got on well - this being the only blip).

I keep veering between thinking 'what's the big deal really' to 'how dare they'. Dh and MIL have suggested that I'm over-sensitive at the moment and that I need to forget about it and move on, but I'm really struggling to do that.

Any suggestions?

I can understand your anger but I think you are focusing it on what they have done because you think you can do something about that, but you can't do anything about the loss of your baby. :(

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but from your employers point of view, you being pregnant is humdrum and everyday, they just need to keep the place running. If you broke your leg, they'd deal with that too. Yes they should not have told everyone but you know how these things happen, one person tells another and so on.

Had you not miscarried, you would have just accepted this as normal.

You've gone through a horrible traumatic experience and lost your baby and you are angry and upset. That's normal and you do need to go through this. But is it better that -- now your colleagues know you were pregnant - they know you are not anymore, or would it seem more appropriate for them to rush up and ask whether you expect a baby shower?

If I were you, have your word with the department manager, maybe take a few days off and remember that this will have happened to others where you work too - and maybe not so publicly but no-one will be judging you for this. It's a tragedy and I'd far rather people who I was around day to day were able to support me, than just to have to pretend nothing had happened.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Have been in a mildly similar position - (top boss badgering to find out what had happened to me, my immediate boss caving and therefore breaching confidentiality) - I was furious, tbh, for a while, and then calmed down. I think your sensitivity is understandable - what they've done is add to the pain, and I felt like there was a hole blown open to my private pain that I didn't want to be there.

The confidentiality isssues are important, and I'd draw attention to that in meetings. As for the rest - well, I think this is what work toilets are for, tbh, and you will feel better.

Didn't want to read and not post here. I understand what you mean about not wanting to complain, but I think the most constructive thing to do is meet with your new line manager and H R officer and get a decent confidentiality policy and guidelines put together which clearly detail who can communicate what, to whom, and appropriate permission or consent. I Was in a fairly similar situation last year, and making sure all the guidelines were tightened up and implemented properly made me feel better(as did the letter from the director of HR guaranteeing that she was going to police the whole issue!)

I a really sorry to hear of your mc Tallybear.

So, you have not only had to cope with returning to work, but find out second hand that everyone knows your business.
Your boss and other managers have seriously got things wrong.

I think you do need to have a conversation with the managers involved, but also need to have a think about what you want to happen from now. Are there still people who know who you have not seen in person yet? Do you want to ignore it, acknowlege what has happened, or get someone else to speak with people for you?

I am a little impressed to be honest that one of your male co-workers mentioned how sorry they were - my experience has been even that quite close friends tend to ignore as they do not know what to say.

Be kind to yourself; you are entitled to be oversensitive (not that I think you are in this instance) but try not to cut yourself off from those who want to support you.
Take care

Thank you all for the comments and advice.

wmmchoc I think you're first sentence is probably very true. I also realise that telling people or not was the only thing I've had any control over and that was taken away from me, for some stupid, incorrect reason. I know if things had gone to plan I'd have been a little put out about them finding out but would have got over it. I know they need to know the 'update' now but I'd just rather they hadn't know anything about it in the first place, as planned.

insertexpletive I don't really know what I want from this. There is someone still on leave so I don't know what she knows - I might take her aside when she is back. She is lovely and very supportive so that might help, it's just a shame she wasn't here this week, when I've been feeling so alone all day.
So far, aside from the comment when I found out, a message from my assistant and comments from my manager, no-one has acknowledged anything or mentioned it at all. There is no support. I know people must not know what to say but it's just so hard to sit there so upset and frustrated when everyone is just carrying on as normal, especially as I now know that they know. I don't know what I expect tbh...

I've been a manager before for someone who had a mc and I made damn sure that no-one else found out, as that's what she wanted. Was it too much to expect the same courtesy?

To rub salt in the wound, I now have to complete a business case to get cover for my assistants maternity leave. Will it never end?

Hi Tallybear,

If I were in your position I would be FUMING! In fact I feel incredibly angry on your behalf, how dare they?!!

I think the restraint you have shown is exemplary. Especially at a time when its common to feel angry at the world, how you haven't blown your top I don't know.

I agree with the other posters that if you make something positive come out of all this, like getting policies changed so it could never happen again, you might feel some healing.

Perhaps this leaflet from the Miscarriage Association could be put into the right hands?

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ma2006/downloads/Miscarriage%20and%20the%20workplace.pdf

take care xxxx

Hi, so sorry about your loss, and what you've been through with work. For what it's worth, I think this is a massive and unforgivable breach of confidence, and is well out of order - it is also adding to your distress.

If I were in that position, I'd write a very strong letter to the highest ranked person at work, expressing my upset and concern, and hope that they learn from it and never do it again.