Its so awkward isnt it, dont you find?

[laloony]

Today, is about the 4th or 5th time in recent weeks that some one has asked me, "didnt you want another baby then?"

I have a 7 year old.

I have had 5 mcs.

We have now accepted that we cannot have any more children. We would have loved to have another child.

Its kinda done and dusted.

But i inwardly cringe, i have told people various things including that we cant have any more. Joked that i cant cope with the one ive got, never mind having another one!

But its very awkward isnt it?

It is a natural question. I've found myself asking it, too. I was asked it a lot before I had my much awaited second child last year and just told people that I had lost three babies but that I was still hoping for another baby. Just tell them the truth, it's actually easier than being untrue to yourself. And it may still happen...x

I find 'never say never' is a good response sometimes. It's non-committal and few people ever ask a follow up question.

It's mortifying though if you are the one who asks the question. No-one would wish to stir up that hurt. Please be assured the curiousity is not that conscious.

I find 'never say never' is a good response sometimes. It's non-committal and few people ever ask a follow up question.

It's mortifying though if you are the one who asks the question. No-one would wish to stir up that hurt. Please be assured the curiousity is not that conscious.

I made the mistake of losing my cool and saying "we were actually expecting DC2 three months ago, but it wasn't meant to be" when a friend who had just given birth to her 2nd child asked, "Surely it's time you thought about number 2?"

Perhaps it was the way she asked in such an assuming manner, but I went from feeling smug to crestfallen in less than 2 seconds. She was utterly mortified, but I am mortified that people continually ask me this question and I either have to lie, or apologise for making them feel bad when I tell the truth.

I agree that curiosity is not always conscious and I've no doubt that I've asked the same question on numerous occasions in the past, but remaining silent whilst trying not to cry is only reinforcing the taboo that we are not supposed to talk about the negative side to this process.

There is a large portion of the population out there for whom having a baby is a matter of choice. For the rest of us, choice doesn't come into it and so a question like 'why do you only have a one child / why have you not had children' is just unbelievably insensitive. It's like asking a deaf person why they can't hear what you're saying.

Unfortunately I don't think anyone ever understands until they've been through it themselves. A couple of years ago, I blithely assumed that anyone who had only one child or no children was just choosing their situation. Now I'm older and wiser and realise just how complex these things are and so would never dream of asking anyone about their family plans. A lot of people have never had to get wise to this and just assume it's all plain sailing. I agree with muttimalzwei that the best response is to be honest and mention health problems or say that 'not all of us get to choose when it comes to children' or something. That would certainly have any normal person thinking twice before saying anything.

I just had a MMC recently (our first and only pregnancy so far) and stayed with in-laws for a break. My MIL was generally nice but even she came out with some clangers about how raising her children was her biggest achievement in life that she looks back on and how my children will ask me some day about x, y or z. I had to just say to her 'that might not be something that will happen for me' but she just brushed it off and said 'of course you'll have your happy day too some day'. I think she was trying to make me feel better but the reality that we might not have children or that it might take us a long time was clearly not sinking in with her. Most people who've had no issues conceiving or having children just don't know what it's like.

I live in Costa Rica and people are incredibly nosey here. I cant tell you how many times I have to deal with questions like this, my son is only 2 but apparently I am not pregnant again fast enough for most people here. The noseyness and ignorance usually pisses me off so much that I vent some of my unreleased anger at having had a miscarriage all over them. (sorry strangers)

I like the other posters comments about educating people about miscarriage by NOT keeping it a taboo. Perhaps next time I will try and more dignified, but still honest explanation of what happened.

i've had these questions in the past and am quite open about what we've been through. people are usually really lovely about it, even if they can't begin to understand. i know not everyone finds it easy to share something so personal though.

I know exactly what you mean.

I tell people. Easier telling strangers than family actually...my MIL doesn't know about any of my (4) MCs.

But it is awkward...it kind of brings things down a bit..and it is so personal, which often doesn't seem appropriate in the kind of chit chat type conversation where it's usually mentioned.

It's bloody rude on anyone to ask, I think.

I would ask a close friend/relative down the line when it's obvious they were never having any more. But I was always when people asked me when DS1 was little...I didn't realise I was supposed to pop another out exactly 2 years after the 1st.

If anyone is rude enough to ask, I think you should tell them straight. Shut the nosey buggers up.

Yes it is awkward but I am finding it much easier to say that I have had recurrent mc now that I have accepted that my ds who is 9 is going to be an only.

Getting to that point is very recent and has been a bloody hard journey but I feel quite proud to have got to the top and say yes this is my lot but God am I lucky.

Sometimes it is more awkward than others when people ask but I am so thoroughly pissed off with the whole taboo of mc that I am quite determined that I am not going to be more of a victim of circumstances than I have been already.

inmyprime good luck for the future.

I am always open and honest about our 7 losses. People often dont know what to say in reply, but why should I hide it? They were my babies too.