Not sure how to manage this

[Singstar]

Hi, I had my 12 wk scan last thursday and was told our baby had died at 9 weeks. I'd had no pains, no bleeding, if anything I'd felt healthier in this pregnancy than in my other 2 (I have 2 healthy dc).
I had an ERPC that day and physically I suppose I'm ok (not too much pain, bleeding etc) but I'm really struggling to hold it together and I'm not sure how to manage.

I feel like I'm broken inside, being a mum is the only thing I know how to do well and I feel like I've failed my baby. I cry pretty much all the time, although I've managed to keep it from the kids so far (although no idea how). I'm not sleeping as I'm having awful nightmares about babies I can't find or my meeting my miscarried baby as an adult and them telling me how much they hate me. Everyone keeps telling me it gets easier and that I can try again but that idea just terrifies me and makes me feel as though I'm betraying my lost baby.

I've had a rough few years (ill health, family and relationship problems, money worries, pretty much the whole gambit) and I'm just so so tired. I know I'll have to get through this like I've had to with everything else but I just don't know how. Any advice would be welcome, thank you

You poor thing. What a horrible thing to go through and now your own mind is beating you up about it. You've done nothing wrong. Be gentle with yourself if you can. There are lots of good threads on here from people that really do understand, keep reading and get as much support as you can. hugs.And well done on your comment and your pride in being a fab mum to your babies. They are lucky little ones. x

Oh chick, It's really terrible isn't it? I am so sorry for your loss, I understand how much it hurts.
I had a MMC discovered at my 12 week scan, and an ERPC afterwards.

Everyone does tell you you can try again, and I understand that you want to scream at them and say, I don't want to try again, I wanted this one. But they're only saying that for something to say.

It does get easier. There's very little as raw and painful as the first few days, but I promise you you can find the strength to get through it, if not least for your other dc's.

Do what you need to to get through the next few days, I watched back to back films( so i didn't have to think) Drank lots of wine, ate chocolate and moped a lot. But the pain gets easier after a couple of days, and again after a week or so. It has been 3 months since my ERPC, and although there is still regret and sadness, it isn't as all-consuming as it starts off.

((hugs)) for you.

Thank you for replying, its really helpful. I just wish I knew when it would start to get better. It ll be a week tomorrow and every day I wake up, drag myself out of bed hoping that today will be a little bit easier but its not. I tell everyone it is cos I think thats what they want to hear but it still hurts just as much.
Part of me just wants to curl up and hide somewhere until it gets better and part of me (the practical side) thinks come on, keep busy etc etc. Its all so heartbreaking and confusing and completely and utterly horrible.
I'm sorry I know this all sounds a bit dramatic, I think Im just venting

Same here Sing, my first MMC in December discovered at the 12 week scan totally knocked the stuffing out of me. I had been sailing along thinking all was well and couldn't believe my stupid body didn't know or hadn't told me. I have a lovely 3yr old DD and had just assumed all would be well again in my second pregnancy.

A big part of it is the shock and analhilation. I felt so cheated and then felt guilty I had let down DD and DH by being so rubbish. Convinced it had to be my fault I examined every action that could have caused it, running for the train one day, drinking coffee, going for a promotion, taking on more responsibility and stress at work etc - right down to worrying I hadn't loved or wanted the baby enough. Its total shit.

At first I couldn't believe the pain could get better, but it does. I found that after a few months I would have longer spells of feeling better - interspersed with days of being back at rock bottom. Eventually those days get further and further apart until you realise you can cope and will be ok.

On my due date iin July I wrote a letter to my bean, getting out all the things I would never be able to tell him/ her. Then I planted a tree on top of the letter. I honestly felt like something had been lifted from me, my heart was lighter.

Its so early for you that its no wonder you can't imagine feeling anything other than devastated. You will be ok, as YRMOTB says, treat yourself to food and drinks and be kind to yourself.

Hi singstar so sorry for your loss :-( I had a MC a couple of months ago and at the time I felt like I would never be happy again but I now feel like the sadness is just in the background and I can mostly get on with my life as it was before. I know exactly what you mean about pretending to be ok, I did exactly the same thing - one day though I realised that I geniunely felt like myself again rather than just someone pretending to be me. Take it a day at a time, I promise that starting to feel better will sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Hi singstar, so sorry for your loss. I too had no signs right up til 11.5 wks when i went for an emergency early scan after i started to get a little show... my baby hadnt even formed past cells and had reabsorbed into the sack so it was empty. I then had a 12 week sack to miscarry.

I have found my DS age nearly 3 is my tonic and lifesaver. Being around him makes me so happy it helps me to stop moping around about things because i refuse to let him see me like that. I have to grieve for my baby, but its more important to me that i am a mum first and foremost to him and that is what keeps me sane - though when not around him things start to crumble!

I cry all the time too, its perfectly natural, part of the grieving process i suppose. It does get easier, talk about it and dont bottle it up.

Like caribou, i feel cheated, and guilty, (was it down to that extra cup of coffee, or forgetting to take pregnacare when i went on holiday) like you i will ask myself why for years to come.(and get no answers!!)

Sing - would you be betraying your baby to try again, (i totally get that, i felt like i was betraying my DS by carrying another baby, now i feel like i am betraying him again for being upset at not producing it) so many mixed emotions.... cry it out! It helps!

Stay strong x
Try again as and when you feel ready!

singstar so sorry you've had to go through this. It will get less painful in time, honestly, even though it feels dreadful right now. It's physically, emotionally and hormonally exhausting and you have to take it easy and not pressure yourself to carry on as normal.

Don't be afraid to have a good old rant on here because there are so many people who have been through this and will understand (as the others say, there are some very nice threads in particular the "Just MC and ready to try again" one under Conception where a lot of the people who have replied to you here can be found).

And don't be afraid to ask your GP for some counselling if you need to talk as that can be really good for just letting it out.

I hope you are feeling better soon x

Singstar I'm so sorry for your loss. i have no direct experience but I'm 7 ws pg and bleeding a lot so I'm preparing myself to miscarry

My firend had a missed miscairriage like you, and said it was truly heartbreaking at the time, but tme is a great healer.

Go easy on yourself.

So sorry you have been through this.
Like you, I went for my 12 week scan after what seemed like a healthy start to my pregnancy. I had lots of pregnancy symptoms throughout, no bleeding & had even started to get a little bump. I laid there looking at what appeared to be an empty sac, and was told my baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.It was a horrible shock.
I felt just as you do, like I was broken inside. I was walking around like an empty shell for the first few days after, yet trying to convince the world I was coping ok. I tried to pull myself through by thinking how there were others who go through worse etc, but it didn't stop the pain. It is a horrible thing to go through - a real loss, and it does take time, but the pain will ease.

Cry when you need to cry, talk when you need to talk (MN is great for that!) & don't expect too much of yourself too soon. You will never forget, but as others have said, time is a great healer.

Thinking of you.

So sorry to hear about your loss. Like others on here I've been through the same recently, erpc 2nd august, mmc at 10 weeks. It's just over 4 weeks since i found out about the baby dying, and I'm still struggling to sleep through the night. I'm on some sleeping tablets too. Things are slowly getting better, but I feel very anxious a lot of the time. I have also struggled with guilt (the pregnancy was unplanned so felt that i didn't deserve it somehow) and am only just starting to feel anywhere near "back to normal". I'm a teacher so I haven't been at work but know that otherwise going back would be something I'd only just be able to start now.

It is a hard and heartbreaking experience. I'm sure none of us will ever forget it, and if you are like me at all there will be good days and bad days and little things that set you off again. Be good to yourself and do anything that makes you feel better. (However I thought getting sloshed would make me feel better but it just makes the sleeping problem worse)Sometimes it's done me good to spend a day on the sofa and give in to moping, other days distraction has helped more. Sometimes pretending to be ok is not a bad thing, perhaps as time goes on you find less and less effort goes into pretending.
I really hope you feel much better soon, same to other posters on here in the same situation.

Very sorry to hear about your loss singstar ... I would echo the above - be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling for a while. It will get better. It won't go away, but it won't always hurt like this.

Thank you all SO much for replying, just reading about everyone else's experience has helped. JoJay I really really hope you and your baby stay healthy. I've got everything crossed for you.
I did the drinking too much thing yesterday - and feeling it today, physically and emotionally!!
I've tried to overcompensate too much today I think with the kids - organised a really busy day, lots of activities etc, anything not to think about it. Its a week today since I had the scan and my mind keeps wandering back to this time last week, so far I'm managing to keep a lid on everything although not so sure how I'll be when the kids go to bed.
Kat I really understand where you're coming from - this was an unplanned pregnancy too and I feel SO SO guilty that I spent the first few weeks worrying about having to go back to having a new born and the sleepless nights etc. I'd give anything to have that now

Thanks for your good wishes Singstar. Glad you are managing to get through the day. You sound like you are coping brilliantly