I lost my miracle baby on Monday at 17 weeks

[Lollysunshine]

I hope someone can help me,
I had a miscarriage on Monday at exactly 17 weeks.
I'm 39 and riddled with fibroids and was told by my GP I had no chance of conceiving until they were removed.
But I proved her wrong and fell pregnant in April.
My pregnancy was fraught with complications from 10 weeks including one of my fibroids degenerating and prolonged periods of bleeding including passing clots.
But a scan during each episode indicated my Viking Warrior (my pet name him for him/her) appeared to be winning the battle.
I was readmitted into hospital with bleeding on Saturday night but my cervix was closed and a scan showed he/ she was fine but because the bleeding didn't show much signs of subsiding I was booked in to the EPU for a scan on Monday morning.
About an hour before the scan was due I felt a little constipated but could stil feel the baby moving.
I eventually felt I may be able to make a movement but instead I gave birth my angel on the toilet seat.
The doctors and nurses were as shocked as me as he/she seemed to be doing fine.
I said goodbye to him/her yesterday and they were formed so perfectly and looked just like their dad when he's asleep.
He/she had my long arms and long slender fingers.
I made the decision to say goodbye because I didn't want my last image to be of it lying in it's sac in a toilet bowl.
I will find out the sex after a post mortem takes place and plan to name a stat after he/she.
But, How on earth do I move on from this.
To make matters worse there are relatives and friends in my partner and I's social circle who have just given birth or are expecting (all for the first time) including his sister who's just had a gorgeous baby boy.
I'm sorry this message is so long but I just can't see my partner and I ever getting over this.
I'm sure there's someone out there who unfortunately been through a similar ordeal and I would love to know how they eventually found the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you so much for reading this I really appreciate it.
Lorraine

About an hour before I could still feel the baby moving but felt a little constipat

I am so :( for you, what a tragic experience to have to go through.

I can only offer this, it may be of some comfort, it may not - what you felt when you thought you felt the baby was moving may hvae been contractions - I had a MC just before Christmas at only 8 weeks, and I had the fluttery feelings of early contractions just before.

I do hope you go on to have a baby later

In the meantime, just take things very easy, be kind to yourself and your partner and let yourselves grieve for your loss.

Big ((((hugs)))).
xx

Lolly I have never been through this and don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss. I can only try to imagine how devastating this is for you, and I know being surrounded by babies must make it all the more difficult.

Unmumsnetty {{{hugs}}}

I'm so sorry you are going through this and wish I had some advice to give you. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

I lost my 1st baby at 22 weeks. I had had signs that things weren't right which were missed by my GP. I was admitted to the labour ward and told by the doc that I would probably loose her in the next 3-4 days. I had to just wait and watch it go wrong.

22 weeks is too young to be able to survive, so I knew that there was no chance. The midwives kept on checking her heart beat and it was fine. I felt so sad because I knew it made no difference.

Finally, on day 5, I wanted to go for a poo, and snook out of my hospital room (husband was in there with me asleep it was about 05.00) I was on the loo and I just felt the baby coming out. I really panicked, and kind of pushed it back in. I went out into the corridor and screamed and the MW came and took me back to the room. When they examined me, they couldn`t see the baby and said it must have been a poo.

Anyway, a couple of hours later, I did give birth to her, and she lived for over an hour. Sadly I was unaware of this. The midwife ran out of the room when I was giving birth because she was upset. She was sent home. I had discussed with her what I wanted to happen when I gave birth and because they said the baby would be dead, I asked if she could be taken away until I was ready to go and see her. When I gve birth they were stood holding the baby and i said take it away, thinking it would be dead as I had been told. She was alive in the next room and I didn't know.

We were reasured that she was held by a MW.

I did go and see her later, and actually felt proud, she was lovely. I will never forget the feeling though when I kissed her and she was cold, it was awful.

The Post mortem showed that she was perfect, I had an infection in my womb which caused me to go into labour.

That was 5 years ago. I can honestly say that I am now "over" it. It was very hard, but my husband was fantastic and so supportive. It was very hard initially, but it does slowly get better. It was a few months ago, I was thinking about her (Emma) and I just realised that I was healed. I will always love her, and I feel she is part of our family, but the pain is now bearable.

I now have a 3 year old daughter and a 1 year old son, and I am 35 weeks pregnant with another girl. Wait for your post mortem results, and if there is a chance that you can get pregnant again, go for it. It won't take the pain away or replace your baby, but it will really help.

Lolly I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your partner. It was very brave of you to write your story on here.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Lolly I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DS last year and I know how painful it is for you.

I would like to reassure you that the bleak unending pain that you feel now will lift and in time you will start to heal.

Sands helped me enormously after the loss of my my son and I continue to attend monthly meetings I would recommend that you contact them, even if it is just to have a talk.

I have also miscarried and really feel your pain. Have you sought specialist advise or just that of your GP? I have underactive thyroid and PCOS and was told that my chances of conceiving naturally were low, I proved them wrong but only after seeing a specialist.

Big Hug xx

lolly i am so sorry your going through this i know to an extend how it feels.

i lost my baby at 18 weeks, went for a routine check up and they could not find the heartbeat sent me for the scan and the baby had died at 13 weeks so i was walking around not knowing .

they pre induced the labour and unfortunately i did the same thing and the baby came out on the toilet thankfully into a bowl that had been placed incase this happened. we also chose to say good bye ,

its awful place to be in for the first week after i couldnt sleep, non herbal nytol helps a bit, and i drank most nights too dull the pain ( i am usually a non drinker

you will feel like not talking to anybody, but there are bereavement midwifes , it felt like m world ended had been trying for the baby for 18 months and was due on christmas day , so am dreading that day.

time will heal some of the pain but it wont feel better for a while, sands does get a great reputation so maybe you could get in touch with them?

my thought are with you and your hubby xx

Lolly I am so so sorry this happened to you.

It's 2 months now since I lost my boy (Ethan) at 16 weeks - he would have been my first child. I never saw him and regret that but I regret everything about the whole situation. I know the absolute searing pain that you feel now, the complete desolation and sense of loss but I promise you it does get better. I don't believe you ever get over it but you do certainly learn to live with it. Like I say, I'm 2 months down the line and can say I am coping, although I won't lie to you, it is very hard!

I'll share something that my dear old Nan told me many, many years ago. She had three children, including my Dad who incidentally, she had at 46 or 47 after being told years before that she couldn't have any more children, so there's always hope.

She told me the story of how she got caught in a bomb blast during the war and the blast made her miscarry her child (she already had my 2 aunts)- it was after this that she was told she'd never conceive again (wrong!) I asked her how you live with that sort of loss - she told me 'Mother Nature can be very, very cruel but that's why she made women so god damned strong!'

It's always stuck with me and it certainly helps me when I think that I can't get through this. So I'm sharing it with you in the hope that it may offer you some comfort.

Take time, accept whatever emotion you are feeling at each moment and as other people have said, be gentle with yourself.

very sorry for your loss. I am having my third mc at the moment

I just wanted to add that you should feel happy for these new babies that are coming. You know how hard it is to lose a baby so a baby arriving is a joy. I know it is hard and you may feel jealous and that life is unfair but the mere fact that babies are being born everywhere to all sorts of women in all sorts of circumstance after all sorts of difficulties should give you hope of the infintate outcomes that can happen.

There was a lady on here the other day who had just given birth after 15 miscarriages. We have no other better way forward than to keep thinking positively.

Take good care of youself x

Thank you so much for your kind messages of support.
They have given me so much strength over the last few days.
My situation was worsened, if possible, after a scan carried out by an insensitive consultant a few days ago showed my whole womb was just full of fibroids.
Knowing full well we had just lost our baby he said you have two children already don't you?
To which I nodded (they are for a previous partner), he then said your womb is a mess be happy with the children you have.
Words failed me and I burst into tears.
Luckily my registrar who was there to witness such unprofessional brutality took my partner and me into a room and told me all is not lost as there are revolutionary treatments on offer.
In the meantime I am waiting for the PM results and a foot and hand print of my Viking soldier.
I have been really, really down and reading your messages over and over again has been enough to keep me going.
There's a lot of people out there that think having a miscarriage at 17 weeks is not a traumatic experience (inc my in-laws who have just become grands for the 1st time through my SIL) and I really don't have the energy or the fight in me to try and explain exactly what I went through.
Thanks this website I know there are people out there who are sympathetic and do care about other people's experience.
I thank you all for that.

BTW Kalo12,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
My thoughts are with you X

Lolly - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Viking soldier . I too have numerous fibroids and have had several mc's (although, thankfully, all pre 12 weeks). I have subsequently gone on to have 2 dc's.

Its so difficult when other people just don't "get it" and having everyone celebrating your SIL's baby must be incredibly hard at the moment .

Take good care of each other xx

Lolly sunshine. So sorry to hear about your loss. I am going through a m/c myself and it's awful. :(

I do have two lovely dc's already and I am so very thankful for them.

I wish you all the very best for a future successful pregnancy

I am so sorry for your loss. My friend wnt through a similiar experience last year, and i can't say she is over it but the pain is less raw for her. Big hugs xx

The future that I thought was bright,
now all looks dark without your light.
Potential gone; I cannot see
a future now for you, or me.

And yet; although your time was short,
and you didn?t have the life you ought,
you brought me joy beyond compare
to counter now my dark despair.

From the poem "Potential Gone"

Lolly, I'm so sorry to hear your story. You and your DP must be devastated. Nothing much to add other than be kind to yourself and as people have said, there is always hope.
Wonderif & I are unfortunate twins in this whole thing; same due date, same day of finding out that our beutiful babies had gone & have taken so much strength from this message board so post away when things feel bleak as there will be some lovely posters who will be there for you. xx

I know this is going to sound really silly but my cat died suddenly today, exactly two weeks to the day after I lost my beautiful baby.
He was only four and it feels like there's been two bereavements in the fmaily.
Today was the first day I hadn't cried but when my poor cat died the tears just wouldn't stop.

Hi Lolly, I was just reading your story and then saw that you posted again tonight. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and I can imagine losing your cat is now adding to your feelings of grief. I am thinking of you, take care x

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 17 weeks in November 2009. I was at the hospital to give bloods and my waters broke! It was so sudden and unexpected, I just screamed and screamed in shock till a MW was forced to slap me to make me snap out of it. I delivered my son within a half hour, with no family near me. He was perfect, and i will never be able to forget him. I refused a post mortem as I didn't want him to be cut. He was dead, why he died was of no consequence to me.

I know how hard this is for you. It may or may not help you to know that other women have felt your pain and have survived. I hope and pray you feel stronger some day

Here are lots of hugs and kisses for you Lolly and your dp and all woman who have m/c and their partners.
xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo xxx ooo

Lolly, I am so very sorry to hear about your baby, how terribly sad and painful for you.

You will probably always feel some pangs of pain, but I promise you that with time the depth of pain will lessen. Just take things slowly and gently. Be kind to yourself and your partner.

When you are ready to think about other things, do look into all the treatment options concerning your fibroids. But don't even think about that right now.