Remembering our babies

[Tanith]

I've recently been undergoing counselling after multiple miscarriages that occurred before my DD was born last year. One of the things that has come up was that I was never able to grieve for the children I lost and I've noticed that a lot of people seem to have problems in moving on from miscarriage for this reason.

We rarely have a body or a grave to grieve over to give us closure. We're expected to quickly get over it and carry on as normal. Many of us do, but we still have that sore spot that is ignored for as long as we can.

I wondered if a memorial thread would help. Mumsnet tell me there's one in Bereavement, but suggested that we might like to set one up here on Miscarriages, too. Then we could at least acknowledge that our babies once existed, and they are loved and missed, even if they were with us for such a short time. Perhaps we might even name our lost children and post a brief message to them.

Would this help? What do people think?

Hi Tanith, I think it is a lovely idea. We first started seeing a councellor after 3 miscarriages (@12, 10, 11 wks) and we were also gently told we hadn't really grieved up until that point. Each time we miscarried the hurt just got worse and worse and we never dealt with it. We have now been seeing Claude for over a year and she has been fantastic.

Since first going to her I have had another 2 miscarriages (@6.5 and 8 wks) in the last 3 months, I won't say it has been easier to cope with, but talking to her made us both realise that the stages of emotion we were going through were completely normal. My DH came with me reluctantly at first a year ago and since then has been a regular in her living room in the chair next to me . Talking to someone about how we felt has definitely made our marriage stronger.

It was Claude's idea one year ago that we get something to remind us of our loss, so so far we have 3 porcelain doves/angels, and 2 rose plants which we planted in the garden. Looking at them when I walk past doesn't make me sad but helps acknowledge their existence and the pain we feel.

I am off work at the moment as I just can't face going back since my last MC 2 weeks ago. It is the 5th time I have had to go back and because I don't have a plaster cast or something visual for people to remember why I have been away, life just carries on as though nothing ever happened. As you say we are just expected to carry on as normal. That is why I completely agree with having to grieve and do what is right for you at the time so that is doesn't catch up with you later.

i think this is a beautiful idea, i've had 2 miscarriages (9weeks 3days and 11weeks 4days) when i had my first miscarriage i had a tattoo done on my wrist but had nothing for my second miscarriage (i plan to get another tattoo). i agree ith you 100% we are expected to carry on as usual and are not recognised for our loss, even more people expected me to get over things quicker with my second miscarriage as if i should have known it was going ot happen. what made things worse was all my friends where pregnant and a few family members where also pregnant all due around the time i was due. i honestly dont think i'v grieved properly yet though because i feel numb to it all...where i lost other family members by this time i would have gone through all the motions, anger, acceptance etc.

SO THIS IS FOR MY TWO ANGELS THAT I'VE LOST....
i loved you before i concieved you,
i loved you more when you made me grouchy and ill,
i dont hate you for wakeing me for a pee or even for making my boobs sore and tingly,
im just sad that your not here alive with me and know that some how it was not meant to be,
but deep down,
in my heart and soul i know your always with me,
i love you(both)forver and always

Thank you for starting this thread Tanith

Memorial to my unborn baby who died in March 2010.

I'm sorry that I didn't give you a name. I'm sorry that I didn't bury you. I'm sorry that I sometimes wished you didn't exist. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you more.

Thank you for giving me so much hope for the future. Thank you for making me so proud and happy to have you inside me.

I miss you terribly and wish you had lived to see your father and big brother. I wish you had lived so I could have held you and seen your face. I am your mummy and I love you very very much.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you for adding this thread, I am still dealing with the loss of our baby girl, Maisey, who we lost at 18 weeks, she was our 7th loss (8,6,51/2,10,9&7 wks) having lost so many, all in the first trimester we were finally beginning to relax and enjoy our pg, only to go for a routine checkup and find out that her heart had stopped beating the week before, It was completely heart shattering, we were booked in for a evacuation for a few days later but before this happened i went into labour, on 10/10/10 I gave birth to my precious little angel, I was on my own at the time, and held her until my partner arrived home and took us to the hospital as i was still in alot of pain.
we had a funeral service for her, just ourselves and our parents, it was incredibly beautiful and has helped us to move on, although I will never ever forget my beautiful daughter, Maisey Harris, we will always love you xxxxxx

To add to this, I have lost 3 babies in 2010.

--Baby 1 on April 9th at 7 weeks
--Baby 2 on Sept 12th at 6 weeks
--Baby 3 on Dec 20th at 9+3

I don't really know how to move on from this, as I don't know anyone in RL who has been through this heartbreak. It isn't easy to talk about with friends that you are close to because people don't understand, the pregnancy wasn't visible or known, and it is easy to brush under the carpet for others, like, it wasn't a real baby because it wasn't their body.

I tried to save my first baby, as I saw the embryo, and I saved it for my husband to see, and by the time he got home, it looked like a blood clot, not an embryo, and I flushed it away. I never saw the 2nd embryo, and the 3rd one is potentially in a lab for testing. It brings me to tears as I write this. I need to find some way to mark their little lives that are gone.

I see friends and family get pregnant and have their babies, some of them around the same time when my babies should have been born, and I think about their children and wonder what my babies would be like, what we would have named them, how they would smile, and what it would be like to look into their eyes whilst holding them in my arms.

I wrote a journal and I wrote this letter to baby number 2. "Dear baby, I lost you today. It feels like everything inside has been pulled out, and nothing is left. Every day I had with you was a gift. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed and can't be your mother. I wanted you more than anything in the world, but I don't have that chance now and I don't know what I did wrong. Now, we say goodbye, and I will dream about you and the future that we were going to have together. I love you forever, baby."

I think its a great idea. I was "lucky" when all the organ retention stories were going on i decided to ask what had happened to my sons body etc i found out a hospital still had "slides of samples and tissue samples " s i eventually asked for those back and buried them at my local cemetery though its not the same as if i had had the whole body (hope this isnt upsetting anyone sorry if so) and had a proper funeral. I have planted a rose tree in my garden and i have some garden ornaments around a tree in my garden that i treat as a"memorial" to my son.
I have found the miscarriage association extremely helpful, they have lots of leaflets available and their own forum with members on it who have actually been through miscarriage etc ( i am also a member there too )
am into soul &spirit magazines etc and entered a competition (never usually win anything) for the chance to win a print of a watercolour picture called "feathers from heaven" and it made me think of my baby son and i couldnt believe it today i actually received the print..i won. the artist is Julia Kennedy and the print/picture is absolutely gorgeous... when i find a white feather i always think of my son.

To my baby, lost at the end of July 2010, removed from me at the beginning of August
I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't want you at first, I did, but I was scared of being your mother. I was so happy to have you inside me and was so looking forward to welcoming you to my world and looking after you and loving you.
I'm sorry you couldn't stay with us, you would have had such a nice family who would have loved you more than you can imagine. I'm sorry that I was glad to not be feeling sick any more and didn't know this was a sign that you had died inside me.
I'm sorry I wanted nothing more these last 5 months than to replace you with another. You were my first, you can never be replaced, it will always be a bittersweet special experience the time I knew I was carrying you.
One day I will carry your little brother or sister, who will hopefully be born and stay with us. Thanks to you I will not be so scared from the start of the prospect of motherhood, you have paved the way. Should I ever be blessed with holding my baby in my arms I will remember you.
You will never know any of this, you were never more than a tiny little embryo. But in my hopes and dreams you were so much more than that to me.
I have ached for you for 5 months now. I need to find a place of acceptance and mend my broken heart. I will move on, I will be happy again, but I will never forget you, my first baby.

To my baby i lost on 22-09-2010 at 10 1/2 weeks....i miss you so so much......untill we meet again xoxoxoxo Angel dust to all you mums out there unfortunate to have lost a little one xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lost my baby two days ago at 6 weeks and 2 days. Devastated, totally and utterly. I wear a charm on my bracelet with "J" on it, because I was going to call my baby Jack/Josie. I have also bought a baby evergreen that I have buried the embryo in. I miss so much knowing that he was growing inside of me and would be here for me to hold in August.

To my little daughter Bobbie, born at 20 weeks in October:

I love you and miss you every minute of every day. I'm so proud to be your mummy. I still carry you with me, I know how many weeks grown you would be now and how big you would be now. I imagine what it would be like to feel you kicking and wriggling inside me, to still not know if you are a boy or a girl and to be still waiting to meet you. I was so lucky to get to carry you for those 20 weeks, I loved you from the moment I knew you were there. That precious day you were born will be with me forever, seeing your tiny tiny yet perfect little hands and feet, and holding you in my hands. I wish I could hold you again. I visit you at your resting place but you aren't there. It's like going to an old address where someone used to live. But I know when I come home that this is where you are. Here in my heart forever. And in your memory box, your photos, your candle, your handprints. Everything here reminds me of you. All those weeks I was here with you tucked inside me, dreaming, hoping, planning.

I love you for always little one xxxx

Thank you tanith

For Lucy
Never forgotten
Mummy