Frightened of a natural after previous experience...

[Bex22]

I've started to miscarry pregnancy at 11ish weeks. First scan ironically is booked for tomorrow anyway. I've got period like bleeding and had a lot of light cramps and lower back pain. Have had 4 mcs prior to 2 successful pregnancies (DS-3 and DD-20 months). 3 mc were pretty early on and more like very heavy periods- my first one however I found horrendous at about 9 weeks- I had already seen a heart beat on the scan a couple of days before and I naively had no idea what to expect- my doctor did not give me any indication of the fact that the pain can be very severe. I was very shocked when an enormous clot and sac came out in the loo- and still feel very traumatised by this today. Bled for about a month and had to speak to a very unsympathetic emergency doctor at one point about the pain. I am obviously starting to miscarry naturally, and I would like to ask for a D and C but am I being silly? What scares me is that it will be worse than last time because the baby will probably be more developed. I also don't want my children to see me in pain, they already can't understand why I am so preoccupied at the moment. Do you think the hospital will offer me a choice if I explain my fears? One thing I am worried about is that I have read before that a D and C can affect your chances of conceiving again. Is this a reasonable fear? I know I am being very self-indulgent when I read everyone else's brave stories, but I am just scared I guess. It's so awful when you're so happy one moment and then the spotting suddenly starts. I thought I had left miscarriages behind me, but here we go again...

Please-anyone? Got scan tomorrow so would really appreciate any advice...

Didn't want to leave this unanswered. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is good that you are going for a scan and are going to be able to get some advice/ options today. I have had 3 miscarriages and have had all 3 options (surgical, medical and expectant). The last one was last month I was 12 weeks but baby was 10 weeks and decided to have a natural msicarriage. You are right in that it was really awful and painful but in the end it was OK. There was no way I could have looked after my child, so if you decide on this option do have someone on hand to look after your kids. The thing is that you have no idea when the baby stopped developing, you will be able to find out with the scan and maybe that will help you decide (ie how developed it is). I imagine they will offer you a D&C or medical management or expectant since you are already bleeding. If you are worried about a D&C maybe you can opt for a medical management which will mean you can be in the hospital away from your children and their anxieties. You can also have strong pain medication. I had an ERPC the first time (I was 13 weeks) and I really wanted to avoid it the next two times. I personally do feel it affected my chances of conceiving, but I know loads of women who had a ERPC/ D&C and conceived very soon after, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Do whatever you feel you need to do to get you through.

Again, I'm so sorry. Good luck today.

Thanks so much for replying. At the scan today found out that baby had died at 7 wks, 4 days so I have decided to go ahead with natural and encouraged to do this by hospital. Am hoping I will be able to deal with it as it had happened much earlier than I realised. Thank you so much for your advice,and good luck in conceiving again. I feel much better emotionally today, the children are such a comfort, and I'm steeling myself to getting on with everything and trying again.

Still very sorry for you, but given the horrid circumstances I think this is good news. I didn't want to push you, but I am really pleased I let it happen naturally and it is good the hospital encouraged you to let it happen. Having children makes it a bit easier and just focus on how lucky you are to have them. Just make sure you have someone on hand to help with the kids and have some strong painkillers on hand. I really feel that letting it happen allowed me to grieve and I felt wierdly empowered unlike the ERPC which really messed me up both physically and emotionally. Also pleased to say I got my period 28 days after the miscarriage. Anyway, enough about me- good luck.

Hi Bex. I'm so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. I had a natural mc at a similar stage and would never want to go through it again. I reckon I'd beg for an ERPC after my experience (in spite of the risks), so I think you're very brave to take that option. I hope the next few days aren't too hard on you and that you recover swiftly. Best of luck.

Thank you for your kind messages. Feeling very sorry for myself today. So tearful and low. Think I'm over the worst physically but now I've got the endless bleeding and bad backache today. Feel so guilty with my chldren. I'm so grumpy and tearful. Try to hide it in front of them but not doing a very good job. Hope I feel better tomorrow. Just feel that I've started off on another cycle of miscarriages. Dreading telling people at work too. I had such a bump that several had guessed. Short-tempered with mother and DH. Don't feel that anyone understands apart from other people who have had miscarriages...

Hi Bex,

Just wanted to post to say I'm thinking of you, how are you doing today? I know there isn't anything anyone can say that makes any of this any better, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone xxxx

Oh Bex I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. I remember it quite vividly and it's the most horrible time. Is there any way you can ask one person at work to inform people of your sad news on your behalf? I found it virtually impossible to talk about it at all in the early days because I kept bursting into tears. I'm sure your DH and Mum fully expect you to be out of sorts. You're probably being far more good natured with your children than you think, but it makes everything that bit more difficult when you just want to hide under a duvet until you feel better. You're right about nobody understanding unless they've been in the same boat. Even if they have, we all handle things differently and it can be a very isolating time. Sending you a big cyber hug and hoping you can get some comfort through this site if nowhere else. It has been a complete godsend for me.

Another bad day, went out with the children which was probably a mistake, with my parents and I feel guilty because I felt so close to tears for most of the day that I could hardly speak- very monosyllabic. I think I will phone a friend at work and ask her to tell everyone else. Just hate all the pity; it's stupid but I feel really humiliated and embarrassed- silly me to think that the pregnancy was normal... Sure this tearfulness will pass, my hormones must be all over the place. Hopefully I will feel better when I stop bleeding too, I thought it was easing off but today it has been just as heavy. It is so nice knowing that there are people who care and understand. Really difficult with anyone else even mum- she hasn't ever had any mcs and I don't feel she really understands fully. Thank you again.