feeling bad about wishing it was all over and done with

[tambourine]

hello everyone, sorry that any o you is in a postition to be on this board. will try not to go on, not really a request for advice, just 'need to get it off my chest' post.
i have a bit of chequered history when it comes to ttc- had my dd two years ago after 5 years of trying, which included an ectopic (lost tube) and vv early miscarriage. had been struggling to conceive while breast feeding- periods came back late etc, but then one month after stopping bf completely got bfp, so first real month of trying, and was so chuffed with new 'fertile self'! . At nearly 7 weeks started to have some pain in left side, so due to post ectopic paranoia rang epu for early scan, which i had on sunday. Fortunatly not ectopic, in right place, but only showing 5 1/2 week yolk sac, not 7 as i thought. i know my dates can't be wrong as know when i ovulated, so although sonographer said there was some hope, i just don't feel it myself. I'm going back for another scan in ten days, and honestly expect to be told it was all over at 5 weeks. my over riding feeling just seems to be one of irritation that i'm going to have to wait so long (including the anticipated miscarriage/erpc afterwards) before i can try again, and i just can't get over how callous this feels! i mean i'm still having nausea, sore bbs, tired, i'm still effectively pregnant with this baby, and i'm just wishing it away, without grieving or leaving myself time to come to terms with it-Am i setting myself up for a big fall when it finally hits me? do you think its a kind of defence mechanism, or am i just heartless?! i almost felt a warped sense of relief when it went wrong, so i didn't have to spend anymore time stressing about whether it would go wrong iyswim- has anyone else felt like that? or am i just bitter and twisted from too many years of ttc! thanks for reading if you did- am serial lurker on mn, and have found so much comfort/fabulous advice/belly laughs on here, that if anuone else comes across this with similar feelings, i hope they canget some solace out of not being alone. sorry agaon for all your losses. it sucks.

Tambourine, I am so sorry to hear your history, but this one might be ok!! Te baby is still in there, alive and kicking.

I don't have much experience to back this up, I have TTC once, got BFP and then M/C after 8weeks. (This was last week)

I have everything crossed for you, it's not over til it's over! xxxx

dont feel bad about wanting things over and done with...having experienced multiple miscarriages i know what your going through. i felt guilty for wanting things to be over and done with but it was more of a sence that if i was miscarrying i wanted it to be done with so i could start grieving and if not miscarrying i wanted to be past 12 weeks to have a sence of sequrity about it.

just keep your chin up for now, i know its hard but if your still having all the symptoms then you may not be as far gone as thought so try not to worry... wish u all best and hope your scan says baby is ok xxx

I dont blame you - it might still be ok, sometimes even when you know when you ovulated the egg can take a long time to implant ect ect.

I do think you are taking a realistic view though just incase. I was pg nearly 3 years ago now and I went for a scan at 5.5 weeks after bleeding and they said there was a sack ect but they couldnt see a fetal pole. Went back a week later and they confirmed the sack was still growing (due to the hormones) but no baby. I opted to wait it out and have the MC naturally, which in retrospect was silly as i still felt sick, still had the most painful boobs ever and was dog tired. I went back for one more scan at 10 weeks to see what was happening as it was taking a long time to MC and the sack was still growing but obviously no baby - they booked me in for an erpc a week later but i started to bleed and miscarry the night before (i was 11 weeks) i can remember feeling as you did now, really was so sad but just wanted it all to be over. 6 weeks is a long time to walk around waiting for a MS to happen.

I really really hope that when you go back they have good news for you, it has been known and it is very early. Try and be good to yourself and rest as much as possible. Good luck xxx