Was it all worth it?

[Debs3013]

This is a question posed to all those ladies who have had very hard times in the past but then went on to have children. This is my story, I warn you before you start reading it's a long one!
I'm 38 years old and have been with my husband for 21 years now - for nearly 20 years of that I suffered with vaginismus. For those that don't know it's a psychological condition that manifests itself with extreme contraction of the vagina making penetration either extremely painful or impossible. I had this for various reasons that I won't go into but basically after huge marriage problems (understandable) 18 months ago I had therapy and the problem was sorted.
Now for 20 years I had buried any maternal feelings and persuaded myself and everyone around me that I didn't want children but now that it was possible, all those feelings hit me and we decided to ttc. Took about a year but we were successful and both very happy, although I will admit to having the collywobbles and being very scared initially!
Anyway move on three months and the nuchal scan gave me a 1:2 chance of Down Syndrome, I went on to have an amnio which confirmed the diagnosis. We decided to terminate and at 16 weeks I had a medical termination - a decision that I am struggling to live with. The termination was very long and drawn out and I ended up hemoraging (can't spell!) after the delivery as the placenta had not delivered (although I had been told it had) and after disagreement between two doctors it was removed manually and I was sent home the next day.
Skip to nearly 2 months later and I had bled constantly since the procedure and went to see the GP - there was no follow up at all from the hospital either from the Gynae for the termination or from Maternity for the loss of my boy, didn't even hear from the midwife. Anyway, I was sent for a scan and yesterday had an ERPC - the surgeon said there was a lot of product left in me but I should be all sorted now. The scan also highlighted a 6cm cyst on my right ovary, so I'm booked to be scanned again in a few weeks to see if it's gone or reduced in size.
All in all my first venture into the world of being a 'real woman' after years of holding back have been a disaster and have basically confirmed all the phobias I had previously. Emotionally I am really struggling with the loss of my boy and although sorted now, physically things have been pretty bad as well.
I still desperately want to be a mother but am absolutely terrified of trying again. So I guess what I'm asking is, does being a mother outweigh everything that went before? I always imagined that there's a huge rush of love when you're handed your child and everything else pales into insignificance but is that just a fantasy? I can't ask anyone I know who has children as frankly, I'm not that close to anyone and they would probably be uncomfortable to tell me one way or another as they'd be scared to upset me.
I hope that it's okay asking this question and really hope that I haven't upset anyone - it's just having been lurking on here for a while, I've read other peoples stories who have been through much worse than me and haven't given up but I am just so god damned scared. I can't make that decision again if it were to all go wrong.

Hi,

Good grief, that is a tough time you have had.

To answer your last question first, yes it is worth it. I became a mum at 34, after a good few years of not wanting children. We had been married 7 years before our son was born.

I can't say that when he was handed to me that I felt an instant rush of love, I was just happy that he was here safely. But over the next few days when I got him home, it was an almost overwhelming sense of live, as if my heart grew bigger.

Have you been offered counselling for your loss?

I haven't been in the postition that you have been in, but if you decide that you want to have another baby, your baby will bring you much joy and happiness, more than I think I ever imagined.

Debs I'm so sorry for your loss after all that went before it and agree with Happy that counselling would be a good route to go down again to help you through the guilt and grief you are feeling, it is such a difficult decision to make and the repercussions are immense whichever one you decide on....
I totally understand what you are going through as I didnt start even having a physical relationship until I was 38 and didnt start ttc until I was 40. I am a genetic carrier for Downs so have a 1:3 chance of a baby with the syndrome even before age is taken into account and when we started ttc we agreed to take all the measures necessary to prevent bringing a disadvantaged child into this world;...after 5 early miscarriages (7wks,9wks,5wks,5wks and 12wks)I finally got a viable embryo, had the amnio at 16 weeks that came back all clear and tragically lost her a week later due to the procedure triggering a previously undiagnosed blood clotting condition....
At that point I fell apart, couldnt bear to see the 4 close friends/family members who were all due at the same time my daughter should have been due and thought I couldn't ever try again... until the announcement of yet another family pg 3 months later which drove me to such depths of despair that we decided that trying even with such devastating loss had to be better than no hope whatsoever...
1 month later I was pg with my DS (now 2yrs 10mths) I couldn't face having amnio again (though did have a neuchal scan)and fretted throughout my pg about the chances of my marriage lasting if my child had a problem, but though, like Happy, I got no instant rush of mother love when I delivered him, just massive relief that he was alive and healthy, the mother love grew very quickly and though he is no angel atm.('terrible 2's' is no misnomer), he is the centre of my universe and I would do it all over again and again at the drop of a hat (if only Dh would agree )
I hope you get the help you need and get the result you desire very, very soon.

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss, its just typical that once you decided to go for it things turned out so badly, but you are not alone - this happens to so many people. I would also suggest visiting the 'termination for medical reasons' board at babycentre, the ladies on there are wonderful and all have similar experiences.

I met my partner when I was 35 and we started ttc at 37, it took us well over a year to conceive and a round of Clomid but I eventually gave birth to a wonderful healthy boy when I was 39. My son is 2 and as per the previous post, its not all a bed of roses, but I can categorically tell you it is worth it. Life is so different and I feel so much more fulfilled and happy. I enjoyed the childless life of parties and holidays but this is soooo much better.

When he was 1 we started trying for another and I conceived in November 09, only to miscarry at 6weeks. We then fell again in March this year, unfortunately like you we were diagnosed with downs at 16 weeks and undwerwent a termination. This was 3 weeks ago and I am still coming to terms with it. It was deffinately the right decision but emotion and guilt just take over.

Despite everything we have been through both with the miscarriate, the termination and my sons pregnancy (who also had a high risk for downs)we will deffinately try again.

If you do try again just be aware that your risk will be much higher but they are only stats and loads of people go onto have healthy babies.

Good luck xxx

YES YES YES. It is all worth it. I DID feel the rush of love at first, but I think that is irrelevant, it doesn't matter how love develops, just that it does.

I'm so sorry that you have been through such a tough time, and the other ladies on this thread too, I hope things start getting better for you soon.

I also had a large cyst 6 months after having an ERPC for retained products, I hadnt had a period at all and was told that not having periods meant not ovulating, and the cyst was an egg that hadnt been released because my hormones were still out of whack. I had a month on progesterone and everything cleared up.

best wishes to you, let us know how you get on

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

debs I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time and for the loss of your son. I've got a 2 1/2 yr old dd and had a miscarriage followed by an ERPC 2 weeks ago. That pregnancy was after 18 months of trying and 3 cycles of clomid and I'm still very up and down (today is a down). But to answer your question, I adore my daughter, I love being her mother and watching her grow and learn and change. Initially I found motherhood quite stressful but have enjoyed it more and more as dd's got older, especially now she can talk.
Take care of yourself,

Debs, I am so sorry for all you've been through.

I too have a horrible obstetric history and after terminations and multiple MMCs, I gave birth to DS earlier this year. Instantly, the emotional pain eased and I felt healed. My love for my boy was immediate and overwhelming. He was so worth waiting for and I would do it all again. I wish you all the luck in the world.

So sorry to hear about your troubles OP, and the loss of your boy.

I'm 42 and I lost a baby boy at 20w in 2009 because of an infection which was probably due to having the amnio. Gave birth to our first in March this year ...

I can only speak for me, but I'd do it all again, the tests, the miscarriage, the crappy pregnancy x2, the thirty weeks of worry before you can finally start hoping that something might happen, all worth it in the end. For me, the physical discomforts (I have some fairly humungous fibroids which make my reproductive efforts entertaining) were nothing compared to the fear of loss ... I have never felt so bereft as when I miscarried and wasn't sure how I would cope if it happened again. I don't know how these brave ladies who go through multiple miscarriages do it ...

The love was indeed overwhelming, and then just gets bigger. Sorry to be mushy but it's true.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I am so sorry you have had such an awful time. I have had 14 pregnancies myself. My first DD was born at 33 weeks. I have another DD. I had gestational diabetis. I have had preeclampsia.I have had 11 miscarriages. Most of my miscarriages were at 8 weeks but the last one was at 24.
I could not decide wether to try again I just didn't think I could suffer any more. One year after the miscarriage I found out I was pregnant even though I was taking precautions. I considered having a termination because I was so scared. I eventually decided that it would make no sense to end a pregnancy because I was afraid it would end. I gave birth to a healthy baby boy after trying for 12 years. I then got sterilised double quick.

In answer to your question my babies were worth everything it took to get them. I loved them all instantly. My Ds is nearly 10 and I have loved every minute. I feel totally blessed to have him. He is probably over protected according to MN but I don't care.

I wish all the best and hope your next try brings you the joy of a new baby, IMO there is no price too high to pay for that.

Now my DD is pregnant and thats what you call scarey.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. Of course it is all still very raw and painful at the moment and any decision whether to try again is a way off yet but just to know that there may be glimmer of hope and happiness in the future is a great help.