Family dispute over moving to a middle school!

[Lislouoli]

Hi there, it’s 3:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep! After a recent row with my adult Daughter who still lives at home with myself and her step dad of 12 years.
Together we have a son who’s 9 and has an ehcp and is currently the youngest in his class and was age retained on entry to the school but put back into his peer class on teaching junior school age.
He is undiagnosed and has mild issues. He isn’t a very good communicator or really interested in a formal education , nor is he a disruptive child but can have occasional meltdowns when he’s frustrated.
After a recent annual review by the educational psychologist the school were found to have hindered his development by babying him as he’s also small for his age and very cute!
I had suspected this as was dissatisfied and the school have suggested to me that he won’t cope with mainstream high school.Especially our local one which my three adult children all attended.
The school recommended special high school and the education psychologist feels this is unlikely to happen due to provisions in our area being overwhelmed by teachers pushing for kids they are failing for various reasons being put into the special education system.
My opinions on this are that I personally don’t feel that option is right for our son who’s as I stated earlier is only mildly delayed physically, emotionally and educationally.I also at this point don’t feel a diagnosis will help him as he already has an ehcp in place and it wouldn’t affect the outcome but I believe a diagnosis at this point would seriously impact his mental well being as I said he’s a happy little boy who just doesn’t conform or fit into the right box right now( I’m not saying I won’t go down that route if necessary)
So I’ve looked into home education and can really see the benefits although at the moment it’s not financially viable so we are looking at Middle school and we are lucky to live in an area where this is still available!
We will have to move slightly and are going to speak with the head and Sen in a couple of weeks to see and get a feel for the school without our son initially.
My adult kids ( all in their 20s) are saying I’m putting my head in the sand ! My daughter who lives with us in particular as she just doesn’t want to move away from her decidedly dodgy and unstable boyfriend.They think special school will be better even though I know they are all inexperienced young adults and I have actually been in a similar position to this with one of them! He now has 2 degrees and owns his own home and he’s not so judgmental as my Daughter. I have been a mum for 27 years almost and been through the entire education experience with them from nursery to university 3 times and so my gut instinct is that I’m going down the right path with middle school and the educational psychologist and sen also feel the same way and that is stated in the recent annual EHCP review.
Does anyone out there have any similar experiences or thoughts?

Hi @Lislouoli another 3.30 awake person here. Move your son to middle school in my opinion. My son is youngest in his year and still quite young for his age. We just moved to a middle school area and I am so glad. He started in year 7 and I really don’t think he would have coped with being a year 7 in a huge secondary school.

With the EHCP could you move him without moving to the catchment? Is there a middle school that has a good reputation with working with SEN kids?

Also if you do move I think you should still let your daughter live with you but she has to realise she is not the parent and must stay out of these decisions. Also if she is an adult it is up to her to work out how to see her boyfriend etc. Maybe if he isn’t great you are doing her a favour by moving away.

Good luck to you and your son whatever you decide to do.

From the details you have provided it doesn’t sound like he’s guaranteed to get into a specialist school will he? Especially without a diagnosis- apologies if I’m wrong - If he won’t get into the specialist school then 100% middle school is a perfect safe space as mainstream high school might just be too much.

I think your daughter is lashing out as she is being selfish and not wanting to move. But she is an adult and can move out if she doesn’t want to move with you. You’ve “done” the parenting with her - now your priority parent is your youngest so I think middle school sounds great if it suits him

Thanks so much for your advice.

I can't say what is right for your son, but my dc have both been through middle school - first/middle/high / is the default option here. Middle school is Y6-8; dd is currently Y8. I love this system. It's as nurturing as a primary school, whilst giving the kids the independence of a high school; they build confidence and responsibility gradually, and are away from too much teen influence - no one genuinely cares about what bag or trainers you have. I'd highly recommend middle school if it's an option
.

Thanks this is all very encouraging x

It sounds like your daughter is resentful about moving. That is understandable, as it will (in her opinion) change her life for the worse. However you should do the right thing for your son, who is still a child, as your daughter has other options.

Presumably you would have to move house, the middle school is not commutable? What are the secondaries like that he will move on to?

Re. The diagnosis - I understand your reasoning. I would however add that for quite a few young people and adults, having a diagnosis is something that helps them understand themselves. It can also be easier to process when younger and it's less of a big deal. Obviously I don't know your son, so don't know if he would get a diagnosis of anything specific, but could be worth exploring at some point like you say.

Hi there,
The middle school is commutable yes. It's half way from our current home and my daily workplace. I'm yet to establish if a child with an ehcp needs to be in the catchment area.? We will discuss that with the school on our visit.
Moving is also to do with my commute to work which is an hour everyday and in winter it's horrible 🤪 and also the area near the school is much nicer than where we currently live which is very near to a smelly infamous land fill site which regularly makes national news!
I have lived in the area of the middle school myself as a baby and new mum years ago and more recently worked there so I know it's a much nicer place to live and closer to work so some nice advantages but they aren't solely a reason to move schools.

Middle schools can work really well for kids who need a bit more time and nurture before high school and I wish we still had them here.

I do think you should have your son assessed if you believe there are possible neurodevelopmental conditions or learning needs.

It will benefit him in the longer term for him and those who educate him to have this shared understanding. It does him no favours to go through life not knowing a potentially significant piece of information.

The challenges often come at high school and then parents and school are desperately trying to get an assessment for autism for example with 2-3 year waits. Get the ball rolling.

Yes this is something we will look into when we have to but they already treat him like he's Autistic and I'm not sure that's right. Their treating him like that so far has hindered him and I had a lengthy discussion with the Educational psychologist regarding diagnosis. In her opinion he was still too young to fully establish a diagnosis as his behaviours are not fixed. He would still probably get an inconclusive outcome until he matures more and his true behaviour shows itself x

Did you visit the school you're looking at? What did you think?

I live near to a middle school area and many DC with EHCPs move from our area to middle schools at the end of year 4 (Middle School near me is Years 5-8) and they seem to settle and thrive.