Will my brain ever feel like mine again?

[didalittlenamechange]

I'm 39, diagnosed with POI last August. Now on 100mcg patches, which has definitely made some difference to the exhaustion I used to feel, but I still simply do not feel like myself.

I'm a writer for work – I think and write about conceptual topics and my career is about bringing philosophical and practical ideas to life for people in accessible ways.

But my brain isn't my own any more. I can hardly hold on to a thought for more than about a minute, let alone hold multiple ideas at once or focus on a task. I start sentences and can't find the end of them. I struggle to care about much.

It feels like I've lost all my depth, and huge swathes of my identity as a result.

I'm meant to be studying to complete a course at the moment, and I can't hold any of the information long enough to put it together in my head. None of it.

I watched a video last night of a woman I admire, in her 40s, talking about the rise of AI and its impact on humanity with such power and thoughtfulness and it just made me sob. I used to be able to do that, that used to be who I was and one of my favourite parts of myself, and now I just feel completely useless.

Is this it, now? Is this just my new brain? I hate it.

I'm also 39 and can relate so much, diagnosed recently after having just finished treatment for breast cancer too, so no access to HRT either. Feels like I've lost myself. No advice from me but solidarity.

Oof, @ChasingRainbows8 that must be incredibly hard. What a beast of a life chapter.

I keep hearing women post-menopause talk about how much better and stronger they feel 'on the other side' but I just can't imagine being in this state for an indefinite period of time. What if there is no 'other side' for me? What if this is just it now?

Me too. What I can do is so much smaller. I don't have the thoughts, energy, depth or stamina I used to. I forget I've told the same story twice - in a single conversation!! I can't remember names, who I've told what or complex ways of describing things. And officially I am not in peri - I am just 40 with a load of autoimmune type symptoms that could also be peri (or at least hormone related). I also think I went at it so much in my younger years to get to where I am that I have just never recovered. I get really jealous when I see my contemporaries overtaking me. What's helped has to remind myself that my family dont care about my career but they do appreciate the tired snuggles in bed when we are all knackered.

@Lacksplease that's a lovely way to think about it. And I hear you on the uncertainty about what's causing what. Peri has so many symptoms that could be something else...

The last couple of years for me have been full of grief, with multiple bereavements, an abusive relationship, and burnout as well as the POI diagnosis – so knowing what's attributable to what and how to handle it feels almost impossible. I imagine with your autoimmune symptoms, that's the same kind of challenge.

It's wild how chaotic this can all be – and how some women apparently sail through it all virtually unscathed while others of us feel like we've been hit with a physical and existential train.

Bless you lovely, I've got the same situation and problems. Editor by trade, write about complex things like comms, AI etc. I have had 3 concussions, the worst was a devastating one a decade ago that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that was caused by some prescribed off label antipsychotic 💔😞

My brain is adapting the best it can, but i lost my ability to see in my mind's eye after the head injury, alongside my ability to read. It was hell with the movement disorder too (and still is), so perimenopause for the past 6 years has been the icing on the cake.

It sucks. It's shite. And as you so eloquently have written, it's stolen my identity, soul, and who I was. That probably sounds extremely melodramatic and full of hyperbole, but it genuinely feels that way.

I'm more than happy to chat with you about it if you are happy to in a DM, and I would really appreciate someone who totally gets it ❤️

It will pass. My menopause was ghastly but now at 64 Im over it. I dont worry about things as much as I used to though.

@didalittlenamechange Have you heard of The Daisy Network?
It's national charity for women with POI, there is a lot of input from specialist doctors and an annual conference, as well as local groups. Might be wroth exploring?

https://daisynetwork.org/

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but presumably you're being treated by a specialist who can optimise your HRT?

From another perspective, women who are older than you still use HRT right into their 70s and 80s, to alleviate symptoms, so they never come 'out the other side'. I've friends in their 70s on HRT and when they try to stop, the symptoms come back.

Some women are fine post menopause, but many feel the loss of estrogen for ever.

I think you may need your HRT tweaking in some way ( I know you're on a high dose) but it' needs an expert in POI to help.