Just not sure what else to try

[milkywayzz]

I'm 45, have been in peri for four years and seem to finally be transitioning to actual menopause. I guess I'm lucky as my GP took me serious and I've been on HRT for nearly 3 years now. It's not making any difference. I've tried various versions, changed doses, adjusted up and down and it's all the same.

I can just about handle the physical changes (weight gain, muscle and joint pain, lack of sleep) but the emotional side is taking me out. I've always been a fairly calm and balanced person but the anxiety and especially the anger are pushing me to a limit I'm not sure I can handle. I've tried every supplement going, I try to exercise, eat well, EMDR. Tried therapy with two different therapists. Life in general is surely not helping - I'm the main earner, fairly high pressured job, three kids 9, 6 and 6. Husband is overall great (of course the bar is low if you just look around...) but the demands of work, family and kids especially are driving me insane. We have no outside support and all kids have some level of health issue that's adding to anxiety as well. I'm constantly losing my temper at them (one confirmed ADHD, another very likely to be diagnosed as well) and I cannot control my anger and anxiety to a level that is acceptable.

I lie awake all night worrying that I'm traumatising my kids, they will grow up to hate me, go no contact like so many seem to do because their parents were awful (rightly so of course). Then I'm overtired and loose my shit before school drop off because they're constantly arguing and demanding something or other. Add the constant overstimulation and demands of work. I then spend the rest of my day beating myself up for being a terrible parent, unable to focus on work (added brain fog) and planning on being better. They come home and boom, within 10 minutes it all blows up again. I'm at a point where I feel everyone would be better off without me ruining their life.

Would antidepressants help? Any other suggestions to help me level down a bit? I can't very well start with a shot of whiskey for breakfast (bad attempt at a semi-joke her). Anyone been through it and does it get better?

Sounds like you have such a lot on your plate and something always 'gives', that's usually patience and calmness!

Obviously goes without saying but change what you can, ie hours work/home balance, school drop offs can you arrange turns with another parent for example?

If it's becoming intolerable and your comment about people being better off without you sounds like it is then please seek help. Yes tinkering with hrt always worth it but this sounds like significant mh issues as well as meno. As you say adding meds to address anxiety and mood may help too.

I always parrot on about physical activity in these threads but ime one of the best things is daily brisk walking with your favourite playlist on. Helps mood, helps sleep which again helps mood. The basics can really help. Avoid coffee and booze.

Don't beat yourself up about your kids, you know your short fuse is an issue and are trying to address it. In the meantime as long as they are loved and fed they'll be fine. Good luck .

I can relate, I used to be a calm parent, but as they got older and the juggle became greater, I changed to the cross parent.
In your case, have you consider that you may have adhd too, which can become more evident in menopause?

What types of HRT have you tried so far?
You say you've tried different types and doses- can you say which?
Often, lack of success in women as young as you is because the dose is too low.

Starting peri at 41 puts you on the cusp of early menopause (periods stopping before 40) so although yours didn't stop then you are on the younger side.

It's also not a magic bullet. How's your diet, for example? Do you find time to exercise? Relax?

Could you be adhd? Women with adhd often find that the wheels come off at perimenopause.

Thank you all. I don’t think I have adhd (definitely looked into it when eldest was clearly showing signs) but definitely massively overwhelmed. Husband does pretty much all the school drop offs and pick ups as he works part time from home. He also takes care of all the cooking and food related things and really does do his part around the house.

Diet is I think pretty decent, lots of fruit and veg, he cooks from scratch (massive foodie), don’t drink more than maybe half a glass of wine every two weeks. Exercise is not as much as I’d like, I do yoga twice a week and walk a lot - but that’s all I can fit in at the moment. Trying to keep sugar and caffeine low as it’s supposed to help but to be honest it just makes me more grumpy.

I’m on Estrogel, 2 pumps every day. Tried upping to three, tried different brands. No difference. Taking pregesterone tablets 2 weeks per month as I have the odd period (as in 1 every 10 months… every time I think I’m finally done….). Haven’t tried testestorone but seriously considering asking for it. Sex drive is also completely gone so may be worth a shot?

I’m taking magnesium, vitamin B6 and ashgawanda in addition to all the above. Can’t say it’s making a difference but here we are.

What happened when you increased to 3 pumps?
How long did you carry on with that?

2 pumps is quite a low dose for someone your age.
I know friends in their late 60s and 70s on that dose (and more.)

Have you tried 3 pumps (or even 4) for at least 3 months?
Have you tried different types of progesterone?

You have a lot on your plate and it may be that it's not the HRT 'not working' that is the issue but the emotional strain of being the main earner, being very busy and being a parent to a child with some ND issues.
If you feel overwhelmed by life in general considering what's going on, that's pretty normal. I'm really not being dismissive, but trying to suggest you consider work-life balance as a separate issue to menopause symptoms.

Make any sense?

For example you might feel very differently if your H was earning an equal amount or more and you could step back from work a bit.
Is something like this possible?

You're basically frazzled and it's not necessarily menopause.