Another thread about libido gone AWOL

[justanothermidlifecrisis]

I'm boring myself at how many times I've posted about this over the past few months and years, but clearly I'm still not getting anywhere with this issue, in fact I think it might be worse than ever. I'm getting very frustrated and anxious about my lack of libido. I don't feel any desire at all these days. No fantasies, no sex dreams, no warm, fuzzy feelings, not even when I'm watching Bridgerton or reading spicy fiction - it used to be there, now I might as well be reading a shopping list.

I initiate sex in the hopes that excitement will kick in - it very rarely does. It's affecting the level of connection I feel with my DH and I feel like we're out of whack. We're coming up for 25 years married and although I know that's a significant achievement, I feel mixed emotions about celebrating. At the moment, it feels like hard work, not like something to celebrate. And especially if celebration involves sex.

He's being very patient but we don't do it often, when we do it's usually late at night at bedtime and quietly to avoid alerting teenagers who are late to go to bed, it feels not joyful but dutiful, and my body doesn't respond positively. It's getting to the point where even when a rare window of opportunity arises (eg kids are out, empty house in the afternoon) I feel resistance, I don't really want to do it. It's a chore, a responsibility, and quite often uncomfortable. I know I'm now in a vicious cycle but I really don't know how to break out. But I want to - and soon. This has been a problem for quite a while now and I'm tired of feeling like a big chunk of my life is missing - my sexuality - and it's part of myself I want to explore and enjoy, not feel anxiety about.

I'm 48, perimenopausal, have been so for at least 5-6 years and on HRT (75mcg patches and vaginal oestrogen) for 2 years. Most other symptoms are relatively under control, but this is one that comes to the fore regularly. I've tried testosterone (from Superdrug) but it exacerbated my heart palpitations so I stopped after a month.

What can I do?

Should I revisit testosterone?
Do I need counselling of some kind?
Would a dirty weekend away sort things (wincing at the thought)?
Is it just time (and EVEN MORE patience) that's needed?

I need this fixed - life is short, and I feel like a significant part of me is AWOL. I know it might take a while but some sign of improvement or hope is needed or I'm beginning to think I might never enjoy sex properly again. Game over before I'm even 50.

A lot of this is familiar. No children, only on HRT since Jan, but the lost libido is so upsetting.
The first 6 weeks or so on HRT we're great libido-wise....but it's gone now.
I'm seeing a GP next week in the hope that tweaking oestrogen dose might help, or testosterone.
Sorry, no help or advice. Just offering solidarity.

Firstly, yes try testosterone again. Start low and build up as it can make you feel a bit jittery initially. So if it's one blob every other day start at once a week, then twice. Others have different experiences but that was mine, too much too soon didn't suit. Now my sexual response is the same as pre peri.

It's hard with teens so yes have a night away or make the most of it when they go out and have an early night.

It is draining when you just cba but it really is, imo, worth investing in intimacy. We hear so many stories of boredom in long term relationships and one party has a fling which causes so much hurt and destruction. If all else is good so you both fancy each other etc just try to reconnect, send sex gifs during the day with 'let's do this later' suggestions. Flirt and read or watch stuff to get you in the mood?

Hi op. Testosterone works brilliantly for me. It's insane the impact it has on me. I am almost permanently horny..

I'm 48 and had no libido from my late 30s. Started HRT at 44. I've been on 100mcg oestrogen since almost the beginning.

I'd revisit T if I were you. It took 6 weeks. I used to have ectopic beats but I've noticed since my ferritin went to normal levels they've disappeared.

I've even been able to go back to caffeinated coffee.

@Moveyourbleedingarse
Sorry to hijack.
Did you get testosterone through your GP? Which brand are you taking?
Thanks.

Following as im desperate to get libido back. I had a testosterone test and they said levels were fine someone give me any.
it’s all there in my head but my body just doesn’t respond

Yes GP tested me after 6 months on HRT. levels were non existent. Prescribed testogel.

Sometimes I use it daily, other times I forget for a week.

Levels were flatlined for a couple of years even though I was getting the benefit. Now levels perking up.

I request a blood test every 6 months.

I told GP I had no libido and she was really happy to prescribe.

@Moveyourbleedingarse
Thank you.
That sounds really encouraging.

Another vote for testosterone. Your oestrogen needs to be optimised before it can work though. Also had horny teenager syndrome when I first started with it, but that has settled down to Just Right levels.

I get my testosterone gel from Superdrug, I had my gp so the blood test then sent it to Superdrug and they prescribed it for me £18 for 24 days worth. Well worth it in my opinion

Ok, interesting that some of you are suggesting to give T another try... I must admit it has crossed my mind, I still have three sachets from about 6 months ago that I didn't use and I assumed they'd be out of date but they're not.

Maybe I should start on a really low dose and try again. I was doing the Superdrug-prescribed dose of a pea-sized blob daily (1/8th of the sachet I think?) but maybe that was too full-on. I didn't experience any improvement but it was only a month before I got too worried about the palpitations and stopped. It was a good month or more until they settled down again too. If I was receiving quite a large dose would I not have noticed some of the benefits as well as the side effects? Or maybe it doesn't work like that..?

I'm becoming desperate again, and while I know T doesn't work for everyone, I also know it can be really helpful, as PPs have said. I have no idea what's 'normal' for me, or for anyone, but my previous testosterone test came back at 0.5, so it was certainly at the low end of the range (0-1.8).

Alternatively I suppose I could see a private consultant - it might be reassuring to have an expert on hand to advise on dose/palpitations.

@DameM I know, you're right about investing in intimacy, it's such a challenge when the engine's not even idling though - I DO want to have a sex life, or I wouldn't be posting here - but when there's no urge and you're basically trying to stave off a midlife crisis most days it takes a lot of effort. I just want to want to do it again, that's all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am 40, 4 years past surgical menopause and feel exactly the same. It’s rocked my marriage because a lot of the closeness isn’t there now. He feels rejected as I’m not interested and then I feel anxious he feels rejected and I’m so guilty.

I have cancer so can’t take any hormones and feel totally stuck. I just cannot summon up any energy to force myself to do physical intimacy any more as I’m so dry and it hurts even with lube.

I have tostran from GP, agree start it very slowly.

GP wouldn’t prescribe without letter specialist. I paid privately for the BUPA menopause clinic but GP does the repeats.

Couldn't be less interested. Haven't been at all for 5 years at least.
I made a GP appointment for peri symptoms but forgot, such is the brain fog. I don't feel motivated to rebook.
I did have A Very Nice dream about a famous historian last night so my old self must be hidden somewhere, deep beneath the fug.

This is an interesting Substack article about female sexual physiology post 35, says our bodies need different types of stimulation.
https://open.substack.com/pub/saraszalmd/p/the-female-body-was-not-designed?r=co0eq&utm_medium=ios

Oh @AGreatUsername sorry - that's a tough situation. It might be worth seeking out some of the research done by Dr Lori Brotto - she writes and talks a lot about mindfulness for cultivating desire, especially as a potential way to help people who have/had cancer specifically. I've read her book and it's something I'm working on as well, though the meditation is mainly just keeping me calm and sane so far and not doing much for sensuality. Still, it could be worth checking out - all may not be lost. https://www.waterstones.com/author/lori-a-brotto/1868118

@SinuousTendrils Up until a couple of nights ago I couldn't remember the last time I had Very Nice Dream - I seem to have lost the ability to fantasise along with everything else - BUT then I did have two nights of dreaming about getting quite frisky with a woman?! Like you, I'm taking it as a sign that my libido is hidden away somewhere and is sending me wild messages to make me take notice! Maybe that's why I'm taking this on again and trying to get it sorted.