Perimenopause and relationship strain

[Unsure4589]

My marriage is under strain at the moment. I’m struggling with perimenopause, we’ve got two kids under 4 (DS is 14 months and still not reliably sleeping) and I work 4 days per week condensed into 3 days in two different jobs that are both intense in their own way. The kids are in childcare 3 days and we have no other support. Money is always tight (we’re on UC) and we rent a 2-bed that is in a lovely area but increasingly too small for us. We can’t afford more space where we live.

I’m perennially overwhelmed and taking a lot out on DH, who is a great husband and father. He’s sick of it, but I’m finding I can’t tolerate anything (including the aspects of his ADHD that I’ve always had more patience for). I’ve been to the GP and am on a waiting list for therapy. They don’t recommend I try HRT yet as I’m still breastfeeding (slowly weaning him off). I’m miserable with our situation which isn’t helping, but making a change seems impossible. I’m also being assessed for ADHD and autism and feeling quite angry about it all (mostly how effortful life has been and that I didn’t realise sooner). I guess the perimenopause is also making it harder to mask the neurodivergence.

t’s all just too much but I don’t want to damage or even lose my marriage over it. How can I make things better?

Hi op, sort of in the same boat. I have to take long walks in the evening once the children go to bed just to find that space and me time because I get very over stimulated, this helps my sanity, I guess it’s like mindfulness really but it helps and it’s a bit of an escape for me.

I’m on ADHD medication which is great for ADHD symptoms but when you take away the symptoms of one thing it can highlight symptoms of other things and make other symptoms more obvious which is hard.
I can see why you feel absolutely burnt out both ends.

I don’t know what advice to give you because you are doing so much more than I could but in your situation I did just have to slow down before I broke so I stayed at home and concentrated on the children for a while and my husband works then I will go back to work when youngest turns 3.
I know it’s probably not a popular thing to admit to but I wasn’t coping at all and I knew I couldn’t be a good mum and employee while I was so overwhelmed with life so I had to take care of myself so I could take care of them and I am coping so much better now.
I think just lower your expectations and know it’s not forever and it will get easier.

As for marriage, communication is key, talk to him about it, tell him you need support because you’re struggling and work as a team, we don’t have babysitters so we have date night in the lounge.
Once the children are asleep Take away or nice cooked meal the two of us and a bottle of wine each, after you have weaned off breastfeeding obviously.
Sometimes those moments of letting your hair down and stepping out of being parents can bring you closer and connect you as a couple again with a lasting affect, pick whatever makes you happy, film night, games, anything you enjoy thats fun or relaxing.

As for little one still waking up, by this age we just left him for a while and he settled back off and after a couple of nights he started sleeping through, I did feel bad but it was worth it for a couple of nights to get him sleeping through and he is fine now.

And don’t worry about the house, my brother and his wife separated saying they never had any fun together as life was just a boring toil of chores and laundry and weekends were full of jobs to do around the house so they grew bored of each other and married life, don’t let that happen, prioritise fun and let stuff go and give each other time off so you can be yourself, if that’s out with friends or doing something even if it’s not out the house, my husband likes to play Xbox to unwind so he stays in with the kids and plays that while I go for a walk for an hour and when I get back we are both happy and relaxed because we had that me time to destress and be ourselves, then you can spend time together. If you don’t want to go for a walk maybe a bath or see a friend or go to the gym or whatever it is that gives you a sense of just being yourself for a while, not a mum or your job title, just you, this really helps with the overwhelming demands on you.

Thanks @allsparkly, I really appreciate your response. Makes me feel less alone.

Unfortunately, my income is 100% necessary. In fact, though there’s not much in it, I’m technically the breadwinner. It’s the only stable income we have because DH is freelance. I’d be very concerned about being unable to get such secure/well-paid/flexible work in my field again if I left and took a break. I could definitely be a SAHM if the kids were still in childcare 3 days 😂 but I think doing it full time would make matters worse.

We sleep trained DS. He’s just up at 5am ish no matter what. We’ve been sleeping downstairs on a blow up mattress because he’s a lighter sleeper than DD and so terrible at settling back to sleep when we’re in the room. It’s obviously not ideal.

Communication with DH is pretty good usually. He knows how I feel. But that doesn’t make me any less hormonal and angry, and him any less ADHD. He can’t change his shit and I’m struggling to navigate mine. We’ve always had this problem to an extent, but having kids has intensified things to an extreme, and all the strategies we’ve had to deal with it are not working so well now that (thanks to peri) I’m just far less able to cope.

I’ll take your advice about doing something for me. I’m so exhausted and depressed atm that nothing seems to appeal, but I’ll try. Short of someone giving me enough money to buy a big enough home, and spend less time worrying about everything, I really can’t see a way through. For the first time today I thought it might be easier if me and DH were to separate and coparent. At least then I wouldn’t have to pick up after him and consider how to be a decent wife on top of everything else. I know that’s actually illogical because coparenting is really hard, but I do love DH so the fact I’ve thought it has made me really sad.