Feelings of self loathing

[tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz]

50 and peri menopausal. Periods still all over the shop and have been on HRT patches for 6ish years now (75mg for past year) and mini pill for contraception (I’ve discussed and ruled out coil. Not for me).

Night sweats pretty intense although now sleeping slightly better than have in a while. Bran fog and feelings of intense irritation while unpleasant sound about standard for this time of life 🙁.

But it’s the feelings of self loathing and hating myself that I’m starting to seriously struggle with. I can’t even pin point what triggering them. DH is so loving and supportive and wants to understand but it so hard to explain when I can’t un pick it myself. I have a lovely life - I don’t work and have be never taken for granted how lucky I am in that regard - and people who love and care about me. Yet I feel utterly unworthy of this from them. The smallest thing goes wrong and I just want to go away. Daft things irritate me and I snap at everyone, bear grudges almost. I don’t want to hurt myself and definitely do not have suicidal thoughts but if I was to die peacefully in my sleep tonight I honestly think that after a while, whilst they would miss me my beautiful family would be able to move on as I bring fuck all value to the table and am just so horrible to live with at times.

I should also mention that due to several long and very messy periods plus intermittent pain in groin and feeling of “heaviness “ in that area over the last month or so I’ve been referred for a pelvic ultrasound and bloods but hoping that comes back all negative. I’d planned to speak to GP about a different method of HRT or even coming off but need to park that discussion for a few more weeks while these other symptoms are looked at.

Is anyone else feeling like this?

Sorry. Also I should say this isn’t a constant state of feeling for me, I’m going to start keeping a diary note of when and what’s happening in lead up too.

I’ve always been a happy, buzzy and positive person. Takes a lot to make down. People have always commented this all through my life so I know it has to be hormone led.

My lovely mum has depression and has done for most of my adult life. I helped her to seek help with this and ways to manage it. I’m very scared that this happening to me now and despite me telling her there no taboo around it anymore, now it’s me having these feelings I feel I’d shame if people were to know. I’m such a hypocrite

This is all very familiar. I knew it wasn't depression as it wasn't constant. Log the dates of these lows and go to your GP. They may be able to up your dose or change what you are on. It is sure to make a difference. There was a recent study on women being prescribed antidepressants when a tweak to HRT was really what was needed. I will find and post the link for you.

Here is the study: The summary wss "Delays in receiving appropriate hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and misdiagnoses, such as being prescribed antidepressants instead of HRT, worsened symptoms. Women reported significant improvements in mental well-being after receiving timely HRT." Just to warn you the title is a bit scary but could be useful for comparison/affirming your experiences- https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/17455057251338941

Thanks Park. I really appreciate your reply and the info. I’ll be sure to read this and yes, I’ve started to log when I’m feeling it.