Can we talk about lack of libido?

[changednameagainobvs]

I feel I can't be the only one with this problem. I'm early sixties, have taken antidepressants on and off (more on!) for about 20 years, menopausal and on hrt patches.
I imagine a lot of people take antidepressants and lack of libido is a common side effect AFAIK. Likewise, menopause CAN cause lack of libido.
I tried testosterone - prescribed then zero interest in monitoring, about seven years ago - but got a lot of body hair wherever I applied it so stopped using it. I hadn't noticed any difference anyway. I've always been hairy and have dark hair so very noticeable. I'm scarred for life by all the comments during childhood/teens about why have I got a moustache etc! I now remove facial hair obviously.
Stopping antidepressants isn't an option, as then life isn't worth living. I know this would make a difference though, it has in the past. I take Duloxetine as I also have chronic pain and it helps - supposedly- with that and coming off it is an absolute nightmare, I've done that in the past and really don't want to go through it again.
On top of that is the weight gain that comes with taking antidepressants and menopause which I'm battling with.
I'm interested to know how others cope with this. Do I just resign myself to not wanting sex ever again and not climaxing? It's just so sad. It's not as if GPs have time to listen to this sort of problem or are able to prescribe something to help. We've no menopause clinics nearby and I'm not able to travel over 100 miles to the nearest one.
Sorry for the long post. I've also posted the same under mental health.

Yes I could do with that, would be great wouldn’t it?!
I’ve lost my libido from years of breast cancer drugs, which also caused vaginal atrophy, and then I got lichen sclerosis which caused scarring on the outside of my vagina. Bloody wonderful! What else could I possibly want eh?! 🤦‍♀️

I agree that it is sad, but it is how I feel. And I find it even more upsetting and disturbing to pretend I am confident and sexy than to acknowledge my true feelings. I love my body, but not as a sexual entity any more. I want it to be allowed to reture from that role, and spend its energy doing things like walking and yoga and swimming.

Well that’s fair enough then if that’s what you want. As long as you don’t think it should be like that for anyone else.

Hi. Not been feeling quite right for quite some time so increased my anti depressants, which I've been on and off for many years. Also just been told I'm post menopausal following a blood test (low levels of progesterone and estrogen), testosterone normal which is surprising as I have no sex drive whatsoever (my poor husband!) apparently I was more than likely taking the wrong HRT patch which was giving me a monthly bleed. I presumed it was a normal period but have subsequently learnt it was probably due to being on the wrong HRT patch. Recently changed to Femoston tablets and praying these will increase my hormones and make me feel normal again. Comments welcome, thanks.

GP said that having low levels of progesterone and estrogen can bring on anxiety and depression in some cases. I'm hoping HRT will increase both these hormones and I suffer from anxiety. Perhaps my low levels of hormones aren't helping?

May not apply to you, but I thought I had menopausal related libido issues, turns out I was just in a rubbish marriage.

Menopause definitely affected my life outlook and made my tolerance of less than optimal behaviour pretty much vanish. We’ll be separating this year and I’ve recently started rediscovering who I am and lo and behold I still do have a libido!

There are so many things impacted by menopause that it can be difficult to untangle what is being caused by what.

@changednameagainobvs thank you for starting this thread. I've just come on with the intention of asking the same question.

I'm 58, post menopausal and apart from the ongoing hot flushes (my own fault as they seem to be triggered by tea/coffee which I could give up if I wanted to) I'm pretty much OK. Probably the least stressed I've ever been following early retirement, fitter than I was this time last year and whilst I'd like to shift about 4 or 5 pounds, my weight isn't too bad. I'm not on anti-depressants or any other medication. Only tried HRT for about 5 months a couple of years ago but really can't tolerate progesterone so gave it up.

However my libido has vanished. I've been with my lovely DP for 8 years and we don't live together so can't blame domestic resentments. Still fancy him, he still seems to want and enjoy sex and isn't troubled - so far - by ED or loss of libido. I go along with it to maintain closeness but in all honesty I'd be happy not to bother. I can still orgasm if I put my mind to it but it's not the same as before.

I just want to feel the real urge again if that makes sense? I hate feeling like sex is something I 'should' do, rather than really want to do.

I thought about posting in the Sex or Relationships thread but I didn't because the route of the issue is menopause/age. I honestly can't be arsed with toys and other paraphenalia to try and get me going, I just want to recover the appetite that used to be there.

Has anyone used the home testosterone kits from Superdrug? I'm tempted to see what that says but I'm hopeless at doing DIY pinprick type tests and don't want to waste money.

The op said earlier it's only a 3yr relationship with no problems so it does sound physical rather than years of bitterness and resentment crushing libido which as you say is very common. People can end up that they can't stand the sight of each other sometimes so it's no wonder sex is not on the cards!

Thing is testosterone is only effective if already established on hrt. I believe the testosterone just gets converted to oestrogen if oestrogen isn't optimised. Progesterone can be inserted vaginally to reduce side effects so maybe worth revisiting?

Imo some of us need hrt and to manage expectations. It's never going to be the same as when we were younger so you have to make the best of it and whilst sex toys and whatever it takes to improve things are a faff ime it's worth it to keep things going.

Hi @Lolapusht interested in your answer. Thanks for flagging it. As I’m wondering if that is my issue - not a hormone thing at all just a crap marriage!!

how did you workout out and what did you do about it? How long did this take and how is life now?

@DameM thank you, I had a feeling that there was some complexity around testosterone, just couldn't remember what it was. I did - very much against my GP's advice - start using progesterone vaginally, however it just resulted in some fairly significant breakthrough bleeding. Not what you need when your libido is already on the floor. I then switched to combined patches which didn't stop the bleeding and also fell off every 2 days so I just gave up!

I think that given my other menopause symptoms are under control I'd be reluctant to attempt HRT again. As I recall, it didn't actually improve libido during the months I was on it.

@nomdemereI just saw your other post and thought this might help you!

Testosterone has made an amazing difference for me. I went on it to deal with cognitive issues and the libido bounce has been a lovely surprise. I hadn’t realised what I was missing because I’d been willing enough, and just forgotten what it was like to be really attracted.

I have to get blood tests to monitor the level, and rotate through four sites of application to minimise the hair growth. So far I’m shaving my legs slightly more but I’ll live with that.

Something you could try is vaginal.oestrogen, which you can take without being on HRT.

I don't know how I'd feel about HRT if my only symptom was lack of libido. I had every symptom under the sun so was willing to try anything to stay on HRT when I had bleeding. Eventually (after trying synthetic progesterone- Provera- which is better at controlling bleeding) I had a Mirena Coil as my progesterone.

HRT doesn't have to be forever, so you could try it ( with a different progesterone ) for 6 months and see how it goes? See if it improves libido? You are supposed to be 'settled' on HRT before they try Testosterone but given you have tried HRT before maybe you could go the Super drug route.

The patches shouldn't fall off. They need to go on a flat part of the body ( I do upper buttocks!) and on dry skin, no body lotion. You can gently warm with a hairdryer before you put them on. It's worth perseverance I think if you want your libido back.

I don't have a problem with the patches falling off, but they make my skin itch!

I’m probably not the best example as I was just trudging along accepting things as not perfect but we had lovely DC, nice house etc. Tried to discuss things with DH but he’s an emotional incompetent sensitive/shouty sort who doesn’t do “difficult” conversations. He announced around 18 months ago that he wasn’t sure if he wanted a divorce, then progressed on to “not going to change my mind” around 2 months before a significant anniversary.

I’ve done all the emotional legwork since, trying to make things work and suggesting various things so that the DC don’t have to go through a divorce if we could just tootling along like the best friends he says we are.

He’s not interested and I can’t fix it on my own.

He’s also massively insulted me, never been the sort of husband I wanted, is a mediocre dad and has basically told me he doesn’t find me attractive (had to have sex for around an hour one last time just to make sure. We’ve never had a fulfilling sex life, but that was bad even for him!).

I’ve spent years chasing after his insecurities and being told he didn’t feel part of the family after having spent over a decade not joining in family life was the final straw. He’s taken my family, my future and the life we had planned together. He gets nothing more!

Doing peri nonsense has been a massive struggle but I think I’m on the other side now and I genuinely have zero fecks left to give. He’s had his chance to make our marriage work plus around 18 months to get therapy/talk to me/get things back on track but he’s not going to as he’s never wrong.

If we’d have had a good sex life prior to menopause it may have been different. I’m now facing a life one my own with my DC and instead of curling up in a ball in some god-godforsaken suburb and I’m going for the “Tits UP!” Option and grabbing what I have left of life. I am still attractive (with slightly more wrinkles & platinum highlights) and funny and if I never meet someone so be it, but I’m sure as Hell going to have fun doing it. I still want to have sex and have started noticing men again. I’ve always loved men and I’m looking forward to rediscovering how fab they are. This time around I have no tolerance for bullshit, have been on MN for years so know all the 🚩 so I feel vaguely sorry for anyone who might be interested in me 😀

Have a think back to what used to turn you on. Watch Rivals/Witcher, whatever floats your boat and discover what your body needs.

For those that went the the Superdrug testosterone route - how long did it take to feel an impact on your libido?

I had testosterone prescribed by my GP. I'm 3 weeks in and absolutely no effect whatsoever, but it's v early days. It can take up to 12 weeks for a new medication to settle down so sticking with it

They say it can take 6 months to work. For me it was around 3 months.

I can atest to the divorce solution! I know that doesnt apply to the OP. But my husband left, I'd had no interest for years, now having lots of regular sex with a lovely new partner.

I'm always curious to know what happens in a menopausal lesbian relationship...or is the problem really just men?!

I should imagine if you can't have an orgasm it doesn't matter who you aren't having sex with.

I love this and I love your username 😍

Tits up!

Thank you @Lolapusht! Certainly not how I expected to be spending my early 50s😅

Yes this is very common both ways. People think they have no interest in sex but they just don’t have interest in sex with that person. I could weep thinking of all the women missing out on passion and fun, thinking they have become asexual.