Please help. This is ruining my life

[Movingdramas]

I believe this is perimenopause. I’m nearly 41, but my mum went through menopause relatively early. She was ‘done’ by 47. She was never the same after and we are now estranged. It was the beginning of the end really. And honestly? I can now understand why. I just don’t want to go on. The slightest thing sets me off. I’m so angry all the time. My cycles have become short so I am constantly either ovulating or on my period and I have developed PMDD. Some months are worse than others. I ache everywhere. I’ve stopped going to the gym as I’ve got nothing left after just getting through my daily life. I have neurodivergent children and am probably myself. I just can’t cope with anything. The brain fog has been so bad that at times I’ve felt like I am developing dementia. My eyes are gritty and dry, my nose is dry and bleeds. Recently I can’t bear my husband. It’s just all too much.
I went to the doctors back in July and they did blood tests and said I could have hrt if they came back showing anything which they were certain they would with all my symptoms. Only they came back ‘normal’. So here I am.
I don’t have any family or friends so no one to talk to. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m never going to ‘get better’. Can anyone give me some light at the end of the tunnel?

@Movingdramas hope you get sorted. I know my sister & several friends swear by patches.

@Periperi2025 thank you so much, good advice and will push me to research and get DH to at least check out all he can.

All best both.

Go back to your GP and tell them that if it's not menopause then you need to find out what it is, because it's ruining your life.

Take a pal with you to help advocate.

Please push to be referred to a Menopause Specialist. I am 30 years old, and after many many discussions with GP, they finally sent me to specialist gynae. I also suffer with PMDD.

My bloods were also showing as ‘normal’, but the Consultant explained to me that as someone with PMDD, my body is more sensitive to levels fluctuating than the average person. He said he treats the symptoms - not the blood.

He started me on HRT, and advised me to take Nutrition Geeks Magnesium 3 in 1, and more importantly Vitamin B6. I’m obviously not a medical professional, but even the vitamins alone made a stark difference for me. It would be worth asking the question if they think it would be beneficial to you too.

Good luck!

I’m going to try. Usually my PMDD means I get highs and severe lows during my cycle but this month the depression isn’t lifting. I am so utterly disillusioned with my life and I just feel like it’s over. My husband it also utterly miserable in a job he hates and can’t progress in (it’s also badly paid), but has absolutely no interest or motivation to better our situation or look into his own unhappiness. I carry all of the mental load and I just don’t want to do it anymore. However, he’s always been like this to an extent honestly, so it’s got me wondering how much of this is perimenopause. I’ve searched past threads looking for advice…and hope…and see so many saying they are sure that the breakdown of their marriages was due to peri. I’m so fed up and nothing helps. I’ve never felt like this in my life. And the absence of any family or friends makes it almost unbearable. Obviously the time of year isn’t helping either. Sorry, this is just turning into a self indulgent rant really.

Most GP's are crap when it comes to peri/menopause symptoms so bypass them and go and speak to a private menopause specialist. I used the Newson clinic, as did a few of my friends. After my appointment there they wrote a letter confirming their advice and what they would recommend as a prescription. A copy of this letter was sent to my GP. I then went to my GP and referred to the letter and asked them to write me a prescription for what was recommended. They did this, for oestrogen and progesterone only. If I think I need testosterone in the future then I will either see if i can get that on the NHS or will buy it on a private prescription. My GP is female and think that makes a difference as she actually understood how bloody awful peri can be. If need be change GP but definitely reconsider seeing someone privately about this. Think my appointment was £300 but that was with a GP level. Think the nurse led appointments were approx £185.

Please go back to your doctor. There are no blood tests to confirm peri menopause. Unless they can think of amother explanation for your symptoms ir want to investigate more, there is no harm having a three month trial of HRT.

Until you get sorted can you go on the mini pill? This, at the minute, is keeping most of my symptoms at bay.

You sound similar to me. I was coming on this board as I wanted some ideas as I am massively struggling and am not able to have HRT yet as I am due surgery and gynae doesnt want me to have it until after the surgery.

I went to my GP, they did bloods, first one was high, so she decided she needed a second one which was normal. None were done on day 3. She decided from this it wasnt peri. I then paid for an at home blood test done on day 3, also high numbers indicative of peri.

I was fed up so went to Menopause Care, they either allow you to pay for a one off appointment or you can do like a monthly subscription type payment that includes hrt costs. They were great and actually helped push for my gynae appointment to be done faster too. Thanks to that appointment, my GP finally approved HRT for whenever gynae say its ok which will now be after surgery.

Its worth looking to see if you could manage the cost and trying a private option, the place I went did online appointments so was nice and easy.

Your GP should NOT be deciding HRT on blood tests, but on symptoms.
I would highly recommend an appointment with the Newson clinic.

Stop hyperfocussing on hormones, the blood tests show they are not the likely cause.

Your life sounds very stressful and with ND children and you think you are undiagnosed ND as well, I would look into ND burn-out:
(from https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-and-adhd-burnout/ )

Primary Characteristics Of Neurodivergent Burnout
Chronic Exhaustion: Persistent, deep fatigue that doesn’t improve with rest.
Reduced Tolerance to Stimuli: Heightened sensitivity to sensory inputs, such as light, sound, and touch.
Increased Executive Functioning Challenges: Greater difficulties in planning, organizing, remembering, and managing daily tasks.
Loss of Skills: Deterioration in executive functioning, which includes difficulties in thinking, remembering, planning, performing basic self-care, and managing daily activities.

´Additional Symptoms
In addition to intense emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion, neurodivergent burnout can lead to:
Emotional Dysregulation: Increased difficulty managing emotions, leading to outbursts or intense anxiety.
Enhanced Neurodivergent Traits: Increase in repetitive behaviors, sensory sensitivities, and more difficulties adapting to change.
Cognitive Impairments: Increased difficulties with memory and focus, making it hard to perform everyday tasks.
Increased Executive Functioning Challenges: Greater difficulties in planning, organizing, remembering, and managing daily tasks.
Inability to Mask: People often loose or decline in their ability to mask, which is one of the reasons that burnout is a common time for neurodivergent adults to be identified.
Time Perception Challenges: Greater difficulty in perceiving the passage of time, leading to procrastination or last-minute stress.
Increased Impulsivity: Heightened impulsivity that may lead to risky decisions.

Common Contributors To Neurodivergent Burnout
Research highlights several common contributors to neurodivergent burnout, including:
1. Masking:
Constantly suppressing Autistic or ADHD traits to appear “neurotypical” demands significant cognitive and emotional effort, leading to exhaustion.
Masking creates a disconnect between one’s internal state and external presentation, increasing stress and anxiety.
2. Minimized Needs:
Having social and sensory needs dismissed by others because they appear “fine” due to masking.
Lack of understanding and support from those around them can exacerbate feelings of isolation and frustration.
3. Lack of Appropriate Supports and Accommodations:
Not having access to necessary accommodations, whether in the workplace, school, or social settings.
Inadequate support structures can leave individuals struggling to cope with everyday demands, contributing to burnout.
4. Executive Functioning Fatigue:
Frequent transitions and managing multiple stressors can lead to executive functioning fatigue
The mental effort required to organize, plan, and execute daily tasks becomes overwhelming, leading to decreased functionality.
5. Overall Load Exceeding Abilities and Supports:
When the cumulative demands of life exceed an individual’s capacity and available supports, burnout is the likely outcome.
Balancing work, social, and personal responsibilities without adequate support creates a high-risk environment for burnout.
6. Hyperfocus:
Intense focus on a single activity to the exclusion of everything else can lead to neglect of basic self-care and rest.
While hyperfocus can be productive, it can also drain energy reserves, contributing to burnout.

Burnout Recovery
Recovery depends on the person and the specific causes. For a more prolonged season of burnout, a person may need to significantly restructure their lifestyle and remove themselves from the causes of their burnout. It may become more difficult to recover the older a person is. Following are some of my go-to tips for recovering from burnout:
Attend to the sensory! Moving in ways that feel natural and good, reducing sensory load, engaging in sensory activities that are restorative

Spend time unmasked (again, masking is consistently one of the highest predictors of burnout).

Ensure appropriate accommodations are in place (at school, work, etc.).

Practicing good boundaries in relationships (we have fewer spoons).

Engage in activities that are enlivening (special interests, passions, time alone, or with those whom you can safely unmask).

Support healthy rhythms by prioritizing healthy sleep hygiene, routines, & practices.

Be Cautious Of Depression Treatments For Undiagnosed Neurodivergent Burnout

https://www.sarahwest-adhd.com/blog/burnout-and-neurodivergence-understanding-the-signs-the-research-and-the-recovery

« A couple of years ago I hit a level of burnout that stopped me completely. At the time I was working as a senior nurse, supporting two neurodivergent children, running a household, and clearing the home of a close relative who had recently passed away. From the outside I looked organised and capable, but inside everything was collapsing. I was trying to be everything to everyone, but the weight of it all eventually became too much. My GP signed me off work and it took months before I even began to feel like myself again.
Burnout has affected me more than once in my life, and I see the same pattern in many of the women I work with. It is not a weakness or a lack of resilience, it is a full system shutdown that happens when the demands on a person consistently outweigh their available resources.
Burnout is now recognised as a significant issue, yet for neurodivergent adults it often presents differently and hits harder.«

Pituitary adenoma should be ruled out if you have normal bloods. They are probably more common than thought but unless you have symptoms early they usually go undiagnosed because they tend to stop being active once you are menopausal.

Symptoms include irregular periods often getting closer together then gradually disappearing altogether, loss of libido, depression, lethargy, weight gain and you can lactate so breast tenderness. Because the symptoms are so close to menopausal symptoms it is easy to see why they often go undiagnosed if the adenoma develops in your 40s and 50s.

The good news is they are treatable with meds that are taken once a week and the symptoms disappear within a couple of weeks.

It’s worth asking for your prolactin levels to be done to rule it out.

My DM went through premature menopause which turned out to be a pituitary adenoma that was undiagnosed initially. I was diagnosed at 23 since the symptoms were definitely abnormal at that age. My younger sister was diagnosed with a pituitary adenoma in her early 50s. It definitely runs in families and if you have a family history of endocrine problems it’s worth exploring.

I believe that underactive thyroid can have a similar effect, since I had to have investigations to rule out thyroid involvement when I was first diagnosed. They are all interlinked and the feedback mechanisms are complex. If you are under an endocrinologist it would be worth seeking help from them rather than a menopause specialist. It is not just a simple lack of oestrogen and progesterone but more to do with lack of feedback between endocrine glands talking to each other. Adding hormones to the mix could make things worse.

Hi OP 👋 Can we compare symptoms please 🙏

I've been pretty much perimenopausal since my youngest daughter was born 5 years ago and I've had the most horrible symptoms. Dry eyes, burning mouth syndrome, gingivitis, teeth ache and overreacting to plaque, dry skin, athlete's foot and skin issues that i never had with my feet, panic attacks, anxiety, tinnitus, it's just endless. 💔😵‍💫😭

I am scared of taking any necessary HRT as I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, so i am very sensitive to medication side effects. I'm not sure if HRT might exacerbate my movement disorder symptoms 😵‍💫 but I can't live forever with the awful perimenopause symptoms too. I'm sure it will drive me insane.

No advice, just solidarity and support.

HRT is natural / body-identical now, so just replacing what you've lost (whereas contraceptive hormones are synthetic & don't always fit the receptors properly, hence why women often get side-effects).

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I fully intend to go to the GP once my children are back to school. However, over the previous couple of weeks I have taken some period-delaying tablets (which progesterone). I didn’t have any side effects from these except the bliss of delaying PMDD. Does anyone have any experience of trying the mini pill to help peri symptoms rather than HRT. I’m sure the mini pill would be easy for me to acquire. I was on it for years in my twenties before kids. Could this be the answer until I can have hrt in menopause?

If you don't get any further at your GP, I would say make an appt with the Newson clinic - I found them brilliant and supportive. And they will write to your GP asking them to prescribe what they have recommended for you. They will tailor your doses according to your symptoms and family / history and there is no time limit for appointments.

I totally understand the mental health side of peri & meno, and you're more likely to be affected as you have PMDD already. I was already on HRT for peri but still felt totally flat and like I was going through the motions - I needed a higher dose and it was a complete game changer, totally got my mojo back.

Start with the Balance Menopause website, loads of info and factsheets - including on how to talk to your GP and what info to give them.

I have also been having the symptoms of gritty dry eyes and bleeding nose. In my case it was due to the cold dry air from the freezing weather. I've put humidifiers on the radiators in my living room, a bit like half a flowerpot that is filled with water. It won't fix all your other symptoms but at least your eyes and nose will be a bit more comfortable.