Who am I?

[BestieNo1]

I’m going through the meno and have been for 5 years. It’s a journey I’m told argh. But am struggling to unpick whether it’s because

I’m tired
kids have left home
am 50
married 20 years
post covid
NC of relative
overwhelming UK news
Horror of USNews
Epstein debacle

i honestly don’t know who or what I want any more.

partner is patient atm but running low I think.

i feel like I want to be alone or run away for a bit, but all my single friends say it’s horrific being single and the choice of men is dire.

i really want to be alone for a bit.

am I normal? Has anyone been through this and out the other side?
any tips to help improve my life or give me some clarity.

sincerely appreciate the help xx

Are you on HRT? It’s a game changer.

Yes been on it a while and keep upping the doses of oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone. Does it ever settle? X

It sounds like you need more stimulation in your life and a reset of some sort.

Work? I changed careers at 50 as I was bored with what I was doing. Fortunately I was able to carry on with my usual job which was part time and retrain.

I'd focus on changing what you can (your own life) and limiting your exposure to 'bad news'. You can't change those things.

if you really want time alone can you afford to take time off work and have a 2 week break on your own? Take an Airbnb, hop on a plane and go somewhere or drive to part of the UK you fancy exploring.
It might really clear your head.

Or- it's a cliche get some new hobbies, do stuff you enjoy, meet new people.

It took a while to settle. Are you giving each dose long enough before switching it? It took a good 5 months to really settle. Ashwaganda is really good for managing my anxiety and tolerance of other people.

Try to carve out time to be alone when you can. It is a need, not a luxury.

After years being angry at the apathy of others re news and political landscape, I had to switch off. I barely look at news (aside from some major news events), I have had to become more insular, keep my circle small, create a bubble that makes me safe and happy. Don’t fill your space and head with awful stuff you can’t control anyway. It’s too overwhelming. I fill my insta with lovely things what make me happy and laugh. Find the things that bring you joy.

Go to menopause events, talk to others who are going through it too. It’s too hard to be the same person you always were, embrace the evolution and find power in letting go. Let go of all the ‘stuff’. It’s holistic approach, self care, express what you need, be unapologetic. Lean into it and feel the strength in the new woman you become.

Make your partner learn and support you. We had a bumpy ride but my partner stepped up and realised he’d need to learn what I was experiencing or I’d happily tell him to jog on. So he has really made a huge effort to understand.

It’s a shitshow for many women. I do hope you feel better soon.

Similar-ish circumstances to you OP, am 47, peri for about 5 years I think, married 25 years next year, quite a few life/work changes in the same period and just feel so exhausted and alone sometimes.

I want to be alone, but also feel alone, it's a confusing double whammy. And I agree it's very difficult to untangle the mixture of potential causes of feeling rubbish at this age, or really questioning your identity.

HRT might need tweaking? I've been on it for 2 years now, and I feel like I'm still struggling to get the balance right - I think whatever hormones are naturally left in my body tend to rollercoaster up and down, which means I don't have more than a few weeks of feeling settled before something shifts and I feel weird again. I can't wait to come out the other side - and like you I'm desperate for reassurance that it will actually get better, because it feels like a real slog sometimes. It's sort of a long, exhausting process of constantly monitoring and managing your health and your emotions.

It can be very difficult to motivate yourself, but consider small, incremental shifts in lifestyle - a little more exercise, slightly better diet, a new hobby or project, try meditation to switch your brain off perhaps. And I would say stop or limit watching the news if you can - like a PP has said, world events are completely out of your control so why give so much energy to them, especially when they're so negative, and draining you. Concentrate on what's within your control, and take small manageable steps. Sometimes just taking one simple positive action helps me feel better.

Thank you for your updates. I just listened to a menopause podcast and think am going through an identity crisis at the same time. It’s so exhausting as am used to burying my emotions, not dealing with them 😜

I think the identity crisis is somewhat inevitable. Menopause changes you. I barely recognise the woman I was 5 years ago. Some of that created negative connotations and was difficult to come to terms with. I do miss that girl at times. But I focus on the positive parts. I’m no longer a people pleaser, or worried what people think of me. I’m my own biggest advocate, and while I am still caring and compassionate, I don’t tolerate bullshit.
Someone called perimenopause The Coming of Rage and I couldn’t relate more!
I don’t want to partronise you, but I really did open myself to reflecting on each feeling and emotion I had. Allow yourself to recognise each feeling and try not to label emotions good or bad. They’re just emotions, and they are all valid. Let yourself feel what you feel without guilt or admonishment. And then decide which ones to let go. It is so hard to be this bubbling pot of a cacophony of emotion, when you are used to distracting yourself and ignoring. What I will say is the menopause won’t let you do that anymore. The emotions will confront you until you process them. 🥰

Thank you @middlechildx I think I will get a counsellor as it’s bringing up loads of emotions from childhood and past hurts and frustrations and anger’s. Plus am holding on to resentments from literally years ago and giving a lot of V signs!! 😉

Controversial post but hrt didn’t change any of the things you listed. And I struggled to get it right right up to the point I had to come off it for breast cancer

I had to put in place a regime of resistance training and exercises (careful hitt / sit) and I got a rowing machine. one thing I think really helped me to reset was weekly dancing to anything I fancied once a week (at home in the kurchen.)

i started to go downhill last week and realised I hadn’t for ages; it was the boost I needed.

As per PP I think you need to find something stimulates you. I know I need quite deep stimulation, I like hard massages and I love to bounce around - something I’d not been able to do thanks to meno. Hrt didn’t strengthen my feet, dancing did.

it’s not all great; I’m on tamoxifen which brings its own issues but I’m genuinely better than when I was on hrt, plus testosterone.

I’m about to see if a hypnotherapist who also does CBT and counselling can help with some areas of anxiety and mindset, sleep and trauma that I’ve identified

I’ve also found that taking more b12 and b vits is helping - but gp had been testing these and they had been dropping/ borderline. There’s a very interesting study about b vits and omega 3 together called the vitacog study.

can also recommend stronger minds podcast. She’s really interesting and often pops up on radio 4.

My main personal goal is to get arms like Stacy sims 😈

What do you think of when you think of alone op? You don’t need to think about the dating but if you want to be on your own but in the same way if you just want a bit of peace and quiet and your dh has been there for you then exploding a marriage isn’t necessary perhaps! Look at your list and rewrite it without the news- that isn’t your problem. Also try and reframe it and look at the achievements

Finding something grounding is also helpful. I was ‘gifted’ some kefir grains in a jar that became the bane of my life initially but now i feel like I’m tending to a pet who’s looking after my insides (and I have to or that’s a bit explosive!) there’s some other meno friendly food linked things I’m doing which also seem to divert my attention from awfulness in the news and are essentially a type of self care - it helps me feel more in control of my situation. (Which is especially hard when so many friends are starting hrt etc. I found Davina’s diagnosis very hard.)