Anyone elses partner left them?

[LastLeafFallen]

Hi everyone. I gave birth to our Daughter two years ago, subsequently afterwards I ended up diagnosed with PMDD and going through perimenopause. I have a son from a previous relationship who has additional needs and life is tough. Me and my partner didn't live together and I was on my own raising a baby and the struggles of a neurodivergent child by myself due to my partner always choosing work and his own life as his priorities. I'm currently in a chemical menopause waiting for a hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo oophorectomy, I'm extremely burnt out, stressed, and unfortunately have PMDD so severe that I suffer from suicidal ideation - with attempts. My partner has never supported me, never been there and never cared enough to understand, it always came down to him, his work, his bills, his own needs. During the most severe times of PMDD flare-ups instead of helping so I could rest and he take care of the kids he would block me so I couldn't contact him. Being left on my own in such a serious frozen state made things 10000x worse resulting in the police always having to come. I bought books to help him understand, shown him god knows how many articles, information sheets, told him when i was heading for "the week" of PMDD hell, I did everything to help him understand to help me, what to do and what not to do. Instead, he made things worse and he's now left me. I have no friends, no family and zero respite. I know people will say good, let him go you dont need him, but I do, he's made me feel like I need him and I literally cannot cope. I can't live like this anymore. I did everything for him, always put him first, looked after him financially mentally and emotionally. Has anyone else had support from their partners?

In so sorry to read this OP. You've got so much going on, a toddler, a child with additional needs on top of your medical issues. No wonder you are struggling, anyone would be. I think your he sounds selfish and has checked out, I doubt he read those books because he doesn't seem to care. I wish you had some supportive people around you, so you could see how people who love you are supposed to treat you, because this man isn't supportive or loving.

In your position I would seem out some counselling or support groups, is the oldest one at school? You dont need this man but you need to find this out in your own way, I think having good people in your life would help you realise this.

Im sure other people will have better advice but I just want to give you a big virtual hug 🫂 and I really hope you find some happiness in life xx

I would also write a list of all the things this man offers you and everything he does for you. Then write a list of everything you do for yourself - this will give you an idea of how much you actually need him

Thank you xxx

I'm so sorry, that sounds really really difficult. What is it exactly that he currently provides that you need? Or is it a case of you need X or Y and he is able but unwilling to provide, and you're hoping he's going to step up?

Nothing he provides Nothing. All I asked was during the bad week for him to come over at 4pm one day a week just once a month to help with the kids dinner and bedtime so I can grab a shower and get into bed to rest, but he wouldn't. He used to come over 2-3 times a week at 7.30pm and then leave at 8am but everything had been done. Kids fed bathed in bed etc. I also have CRPS and fibromyalgia from being crushed at work so im in constant pain. Perimenopause and PMDD on top of exhaustion, a toddler and a neurodivergent child just breaks me and I can't function. I always told him when the bad week was coming so he was aware, I guess he just used it to his full advantage to make things worse for me. I resent him, but I also need him. Everything is always my fault.

That all sounds really tough. I’m sorry I can’t really offer advice on the relationship side of things, but just wanted to offer you some hope around the surgery. I had the same surgeries for very similar medical problems (predominantly PMDD). It has been life changing. It was as though they turned off the anxiety switch in my head. I have been completely calm and stable since. It was miraculous for me.

I’ve had some physical menopause problems but none of the rage or anxiety that many women report in menopause. I’m like a different person - so much stronger and more able to cope.

I really hope that you get the same result and discover that you don’t need him anymore. Sending lots of love.

Oh wow I'm so glad surgery went well for you, not many people have heard of PMDD and they just can't comprehend how debilitating it really is. The anxiety is crippling but I'm just being "dramatic". As drastic as it is I really cannot wait for surgery. I'm on HRT which helps with the hot flushes etc, but I can't say how I feel because he constantly takes it as a personal attack and then I'm gaslighted into believing I should be nothing other than a yes sir no sir woman with no other emotions except happiness and joy. I don't even raise an eyebrow when he's tired and snappy because I understand. I'm still only human and essentially living as a single parent with everything I have to contend with all I asked for was a bit of rest and some support. It's very difficult to navigate on you're own especially in the midst of PMDD.

This is a tricky one, is he there for the child? My partner has fairly severe PTSD from three wars. He was shot, he is also a widow and it all came crashing down a few months ago.

I don’t have the training for this and feel without the correct support I could infact make things worse so I encourage using professional support and I have had to back away at times to protect myself from it. It’s really hard being someone’s support whilst trying to also maintain your own life. He also has suicidal ideation and it’s hell and puts huge pressure on us both at times.

We don’t live together, I don’t think I could right now. Just a perspective from the other side. My partner now has help and him not leaning on me so much has hugely helped our relationship.

Wish you all the best and it sounds like you have it in hand and things will get better. Just to add I think it’s unacceptable for him to block you.

I am so sorry to hear what you and your partner are going through, it's devastating to hear what veterans have had to endure and continue to suffer with.

Not particularly no. He can go 3-4 weeks without helping. If i ask for a break or he has her for a day it emotionally backfires on me and I get turned on because he has bills to pay.

Its his choice to have the job he does. He is stonemason, builder, plasterer, he has all the trade skills but he chooses to be an antiques dealer.

I've never asked for anything, just help, rest, support but its like a "how dare you" attitude. All the while I have paid his mortgage, filled his fridge and freezer up, paid his bills, diesel in the van, paid for all birthday and Christmas presents for the family who absolutely despise me. I found out he has 50k worth of debt so whilst I was supporting a sen child, our baby and keeping him afloat, he was buying more and more antiques that are getting him nowhere.

Clearly he wants the single life whilst I do everything and I am expected to put up and shut up. Never asked for a penny off him, just help with the children and to feel supported.

Thank you for your reply. I do hope things improve. Has he tried EMDR therapy? Very strange thing but phenomenal x