Unusual symptom or mid life crisis????

[CherryPie864]

Looking for advice from fellow mumsnetters in the peri stage. I am 47, have some fairly common symptoms like dry, itch eyes, dry skin, periods starting to become irregular etc. One thing that has really been getting me in a tizz is really intense feelings of regret, shame and guilt over past relationships and mistakes. The weird thing is these are things from over 25 years ago! DH and I have been married 21 years and I have barely given a second thought to any of this in all that time but it's suddently hit me like a sledgehammer! I read somewhere that declining eastrogen can affact the limbic part of the brain where memories etc are stored, so wonder if it's a menopause thing or am I going completely crackers😅. I started a very low dose of hrt 2 months ago to try and alleviate symptoms but this horrid rumination persists 😪😪. Anyone else experiencing anything similar???

Objectively should you regret any of those things or are they irrelevant really to your rational brain?
Menopause is weird I wouldn’t rule anything out.

I always liken it to crazy hormonal teenage me but in reverse, helps me to see my current oddities more kindly.

Good question @stayathomegardener Definitely regret some of them, but am putting irrational.amounts of blame and shame on myself when my logical brain knows there are always 2 sides to a story! And as it was all.so long ago and long since moved on from it seems weird that it's all rearing up again now🤔🤔

I like the comparison to crazy hormonal teenager, that definitely helps thank you!

I guess I am lucky in some ways with an ADHD/Dyslexia/Menopause combination I don’t and never have remembered much of my past in huge detail but if something was bothering me that I couldn’t mentally resolve I think I would try some sort of talking therapy to at least attempt to remove that worry.

Especially if those worries interfered with my sleep!

Talking therapy is a really good idea, I have been researching that and will look to start it. Thank you

I experienced similar. I have come across some other ladies who ha e felt the same.

I went into premature menopause shortly after my daughter was born.
I actually thought I was having a nervous breakdown.

It did get better but in all honesty I deeply regret most if not all of my life choices.

Thank you so much for responding with your story SENDMumma sorry to hear you have been through the same but glad it got better.

Sorry to hear about the premature menopause too that must have been very tough😪😪😪.

That is exactly how I have been feeling, like I am having some sort of nervous breakdown, it's awful.

Yeah, I regret a fair few of my life choices too but they were the ones I made in my late teens / early 20's when my life was much less stable. I haven't thought about any of that stuff for years so was puzzled to be feeling so bad about it all now. Bound to be down to hormones though😅

I have self referred for talking therapies so hopefully that will help.

Yes! I have been feeling very similar. All started in the summer and I became obsessed with my first boyfriend and wondering how my life would have turned out if I stayed with him. It was consuming my every thought day and night. 3 times since July I’ve had these obsessive thoughts for a few days at a time. I went to the GP last week because I feel like I’m going mad. She didn’t say much but thought I should go to counselling. I have also been back and forth to the GP for the past few years as feel like I’m peri but they keep saying I’m not. I’m 41.

Thank you for replying poppinpink, you have described exactly how I have been feeling! Started a few months back with obsessive thoughts and even weird dreams aboutpast love! Blaming and shaming myself.for the things I did wrong and generally getting into a right state of confusion and depression about it all despite the fact that I have a lovely life now and then that makes me feel even worse 🙈🙈🙈.

Sorry to hear that you have been through the same, it really is tough. I hope you manage to get some.more support from GP. I have recently started lowest dose.of hrt, really hoping it helps🤞🤞🤞

When I eventually went to my gp, really worried I was having some sort of breakdown it turned out to be menopause…i was in my 40s, and I had no idea about the mental health side and implications of menopause at all. It needs to be talked about more. It got worse before it got better but over time, with support, it’s getting better.

Not quite the same but I am late 40s and starting to have really vivid dreams featuring people I haven’t seen or thought about for years ( particularly from Uni days) It’s really unsettling. I think it may be as I am now transitioning to a different life phase and my brain is sort of wrapping up and recapping my youth? Also as my DC are teens and starting out in relationships / drinking / other teen behaviour maybe it’s setting my memories off subliminally?

Whatever the cause I try and stay focused on forward planning. There’s no point feeling regret for what’s in the past. Also as you get older it can almost seem like things happened to someone else as you feel so far removed from the youngster you once were (while at the same time feeling no older!) Aging and hormone shifts are weird.

Just saw this started with dreams for you too @CherryPie864 I think that’s what makes it feel real, it’s like you’ve just actually seen the people again and it gives you that jolt and transfers you back to the emotions of the time. Very unsettling.

Thank you so much everyone for responding. I am sorry that others have experienced similar unsettling memories, feelings and dreams, but it is reassuring to know it's not just me!

I agree countingdowntotheholidays about the stage my children are at ( mine are all aged 15 -21) that is probably playing a part in taking me back to when I was a similar age. Also I feel like as I am transitioning into the next phase of life it's almost like saying goodbye to my youth whixh comes with mixed emotions. Definitely agree that focussing on the future is the best positive response.

Agree Purplecatshopaholic it does need to be spoken about more. I have been wanting to start this thread for weeks and am so pleased I finally did as I feel a lot better after hearing from you all with similar experiences.

That's exactly it countingdowntotheholidays it keeps taking me back to the feelings and emotions of the time and it's really difficult to process.

I feel blindsided as was not exoecting this at all! I was looking out for hot flushes and bad moods not a complete emotional rollercoaster dragging up the past!

I hope things improve for all of you as we navigate this crazy menopause journey!

I have had this. I’m 46 and things keep popping into my head from years ago, sometimes things I’ve not even thought about. I then get myself in a state.

Hi OP this is reassuring to read! I’ve always been a bit of a ruminator anyway so not exactly new, but definitely more intense. I’d describe it as a deeply poignant feeling if that makes sense? It’s very bittersweet eg my DC are all on the brink of young adulthood and I feel intensely proud but also sad about them branching out and leaving home. They are in the same uni town I was so adding to the poignancy. Also, more upsettingly, looking back and convincing myself I was a terrible mum when they were small even though I have very good relationships with all of them as adults. I really relate to the feeling of somehow reckoning up the past.

Thank you Kazzaa46 and marthasmum for responding,

I am sorry that yiu are going through these similar very unsettling feelings and emotions, bur glad that we can support eachother on here.

I also keep ruminating over past relationship which ended in disaster, faults on both sides, and pumishing myself for the things I could have done better. I then compare myself to friends who met their life partners at 18, never had a problematic relationship and have been happy together ever since and then blame myself for not having achieved the same🙈🙈🙈.

I haven't thought about any of this for 25 years and it's very unsettling that it's happening now but agree it's likely a combination of hormone changes, stage of life, kids grown up etc.

I hope you all have a better day today and that these feelings soon subside for us all xxxxx

I think this is very common. Menopause is a huge life change and on some level your body and mind know that there is some unfinished business psychologically that it needs to deal with before you can let go and move to the next stage. For me it's about realising that all the choices I made decades ago (plus many things I didn't choose) have led to the life I have now, and that none of it can be undone. I can choose something different in the future and change my life, but my life story is what it is. And if I made mistakes back then, how do I know I'm not making mistakes when I choose something now? So your mind starts going over it all to both make peace with it and find some wisdom for the next bit. I try to confront it and do things that get it out of my head - talking, journalling etc.

Thank you FigAboutTheRules, very wise words and that makes so much sense that all this dredging up the past is our bodiy's way of helping to prepare us for this next stage of life we are entering.

I need to accept that the past is the past and cannot be undone just like you say. I have so much to be grateful for now, and this rumination threatens to bring me down which isn't good fir me or my family.

I am sorry for everyone going through this with me but very glad I made the decision to post about it and have found so much support thank you all xxx

I think these are wise words especially as I feel a little bit like I’m in a stage where I’m waiting for something…
I’m happy with my life, I have a great husband but I don’t look forward to anything. Most of the time I’m happy to stay at home and as I work from home it means I rarely get out which I appreciate isn’t healthy.
It feels like I’m waiting to get past this stage now where my hormones are all over the place and to get to a stage where I do get joy from things again. I’m not depressed by any means, I just can never get excited by a holiday or social event anymore and I want to get that back like I had in my 30s.