Premature menopause and missing my mother terribly

[didalittlenamechange]

I'm 37, and have just been diagnosed with POI (premature ovarian failure). I've been completely smashed to pieces by the whole experience - I'm off work on long term sick leave, constantly exhausted, unable to think straight, unbelievably emotional, and aching all over, all the time.

As an extra cosmic joke(!) this month that I've been diagnosed also marks 10 years since I last saw my mother. We're estranged - she doesn't want a relationship with me and says terrible things about me to people in her life.

To be honest, I'm not her biggest fan any more either, but right now, going through this, I miss having a mother so, so much.

I have nobody I can talk to about all of this. My friends are supportive but none of them really 'get it' because they're not there yet.

My whole conception of my womanhood has changed in the last few months – I feel like I've reached a chapter that I wasn't meant to reach for another 15 years and so I've lost a chunk of my life somehow. Logically I know that's not true, but I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with emotionally. And knowing it's very unlikely I'll be able to have biological children has hit me harder than I expected, too.

I'm in such a battle with myself both physically and mentally, and the absence of my mother (especially knowing she's out there and just doesn't want me) is extra acute right now.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Or anyone out the other side who can offer a little maternal-esque guidance on navigating the identity shift of this stage of life, either prematurely like me or in general?

I hear a lot about menopause bringing in a new sense of identity and strength, but I'm not feeling any of that right now. I just feel very small and very tired and very lost.

I am so sorry to read your post as you describe your pain so well. I am sure some wise women will be able to offer you advice and guidance from the other side of menopause. I’m not an expert but would suggest counselling to work through your feelings. I do know that after birth and during menopause I have felt my mother’s failings more acutely so think the hormonal changes can emphasise or heighten maternal issues. I hope you have a friend who can truly listen. I’m sorry I’m not much more use but wanted to answer x

Thanks, @NoTvNoWifi - I'm in therapy and very grateful for it (although - another cosmic joke in the mix - my therapist, who's a woman of my mother's age, is away on 3 weeks holiday right now! Not that I have abandonment issues or anything 😂)

The whole conversation about what it means to be a mother or to not, being a mother but not mothering, choosing to be a mother or choosing not to be, or not getting to choose at all... it's suddenly so loud and obnoxious.

And that's even after the general feeling like shit and remembering that you have nobody to turn to.

I've been reading lots of articles online and trying to educate myself as much as possible about menopause, but I'm realising it's not just information I'm after – it's care and understanding from a community, and there's not a lot of that available for fully grown women any more...