Does libido ever come back after perimenopause?

[alphabetcrayons]

Have name changed for this just due to the personal nature.

Has anyone ever felt totally puzzled by perimenopause? I am totally lost. Symptomatic for about 18 months; only one GP appt about it whereby I was told it happens to all women eventually and go back if it becomes ‘unmanageable’. Symptoms for me have been terrible insomnia and anxiety at night, dreadful and painful acne, aching boobs especially around ovulation (not like before peri, this is a really painful ache), but one I’ve noticed that’s causing problems is my utter loss of any libido.

I will admit that my sex drive has never been massively high, but DH and I always had a healthy sex life we were both happy with, especially around busy jobs and young kids (we have 7 year old twins). But in the last year and a half my libido is gone. It’s so hard to describe - I never think about it, I do what I can to avoid it (excuses), when we do have it, I’m not enjoying it one bit. I’ve been very open with DH about it and he’s been lovely and very understanding but he hates that I feel like this (ever since I admitted I am no longer enjoying it he doesn’t instigate at all) but he has asked before how long it usually lasts. And I have no idea! I feel like I’ve googled peri symptoms to death and do feel heartened that some women say once they are through perimenopause they feel great but it can take a decade; I honestly worry I’ll be bloody single by then!!

As I say, DH has been lovely. But we both miss what we used to have. I really don’t like feeling this way and it’s become the elephant in the room in a way. Does the sex drive ever come back? Are there any methods you can use during peri to help? I feel at a total loss with it.

HRT

Provided your diet and nutrition are good yes.

Maybe HRT. It was a disaster for me. But after a year of zero libido - very much as you describe, a short course of steroids, plus medicating anaemia, and it has roared back. HRT isn’t the silver bullet many would have you believe. Get your bloods checked for iron, B12, and take it from there.

They are; always have been but recently I’ve tried to be watertight on it!!

Thank you, I think I will try and go in for bloods. Just to keep the ball moving with it and mention the symptoms to the doctor again. A friend had a bad time with HRT too, had terrible digestive issues on it, but I certainly won’t rule it out.

I know a few taking testosterone which has helped with libido and energy

HRT

Do you exercise? I found, once I felt fitter, that I felt better than I had for ages, and everything went back to normal.

Maybe, it's the increased testosterone or just the feel good factor

HRT has made no difference to this aspect for me whatsoever. Always had a high ish drive. Stopped producing oestrogen at 37 due to autoimmune issues and gradually it’s like a switch has just completely gone off. People always trot out HRT as if it’s a magic wand - and it has been for many of my symptoms but not that particular part. I’m on a good dose of it too, tried testosterone and on vaginal oestrogen etc and nope. I think for me part of it is that I am just really physically worn out a lot of the time and now it feels like it’s almost on a level with any other physical exercise - ie going for a jog. I’d rather have a tea and go to bed and read my book.

Mine hadn’t even with HRT.

Hrt. Try and get a gp with up to date training in women’s health who will treat your symptoms, which sound quite debilitating, with hormones. Nice guidelines suggest perimeno symptoms caused by lack of oestrogen, are best treated with oestrogen! Not anti depressants or sleeping tablets or pain killers or ignoring. (Progesterone too for those with a womb).

Pre hrt I can't say my libido was gone I was just exhausted all the time. I prioritised sleep over everything else just so I could function during the day. HRT has definitely helped, unfortunately it coincided with my dh getting prostate cancer he is doing well and cancer free but his prostate removal has had an impact on him, so sex has not returned in the bedroom yet.

if you can afford it, it might be worth having some therapy for you both to focus on improving things?
to be honest though, when perimenopause hits and you have young kids, the exhaustion can be the biggest passion killer. I found that sorting out my chronic insomnia helped enormously, alongside HRT and supplements. I don’t think about sex, don’t really have the drive anymore, but when I do have sex I enjoy it.

I had to wait until the very end of my long peri phase for libido to return. It did not disappear for more than a year towards the end.

I have never taken HRT but focused on nutrition. Nuts seeds berries dark chocolate so superfoods really.

I needed to up my game anyway.

Thanks so much everyone. I’m going to try and be squeaky clean on the nutrition side now (weekend has tested me with the kids Easter egg haul!)

Exercise - tricky one. I have been an avid fitness fanatic my entire life but find motivation waning a lot since these symptoms started. Just finding the will to step outside and do it. I am doing it, but it’s a bit peaks and troughs. I used to be a very good marathon runner and I love it, and what it does for my mood - perhaps I need to force it a little more as clearly it will really help.

Definitely speaking to the GP this week about bloods too and just check all looks okay.

Fairly sure I’m in peril, exercise definitely improved mine. Weights specifically.

Things drying up certainly didn't help with libido - oestrogen very good for that

Never been the same and am on hrt

OP your question is one I've been asking myself a lot, and I still can't find a straight answer. I get the sense that it can come back - but things probably won't be quite the same and you may have to find a 'new normal'.

My libido has taken a nosedive in the past 2-3 years or so in peri. I've been on HRT, including topical oestrogen for 2 years and can't say it's made a massive difference. It's not just the physical symptoms, it's the psychological part of it too - the lack of desire/spark/lust for life that's getting me down - just not ever really feeling in the mood for it, and missing that feeling.

I don't think anyone can tell you what will definitively work for you, but IME good nutrition - while it will certainly bring health benefits - will not somehow magically restore your sex life.

Judging from your other symptoms, being tired, stressed and in pain a lot will not help. If you're feeling crappy, of course you're not going to be in the mood. If you can address these symptoms - through HRT or other means - that could get you back on an even keel to then address your libido. It would probably help improve your motivation to exercise too - a virtuous cycle.

That's where I feel I've got to - my hormone levels feel more stable, and now I'm working on adding in more exercise and reading up on other ways to increase desire. FWIW I've just bought this book, which looks like it could be a game changer - I'm very hopeful it will be as I don't think I'm eligible for testosterone (and tbh I read very mixed opinions - expert and otherwise - about how effective it is).

And by the way, why on earth should any woman have to wait until her symptoms are 'unmanageable' before getting treatment?? But if you're not sleeping, anxious and your symptoms are having an effect on your quality of life and your relationship, I think that qualifies as 'unmanageable'.

I'm coming to realise restoring your libido is probably down to a number of factors - there's no magic bullet. It's an exhausting prospect to have to do all these things and feel tip-top healthy just to get some decent sex - when it used to be fairly effortless! - but if you can rebalance your hormones for good sleep/less anxiety and ensure you're exercising and eating right, then you're giving yourself the best shot at improving things - that's what I'm telling myself in any case.

Please note - I'm not an expert! But I've been reading and researching this stuff a lot lately and your situation sounds pretty similar to my own. Feel free to ignore any of what anyone says on here - including me! - you must do what you feel will be right for you. That's really the key to dealing with this stage of life I think.

All my friends and I take HRT. It’s been amazing for us. Personally, my hot flushes, anxiety and low libido have all but disappeared. My sex life is back on track and it’s great. I’m never coming off it!

Thanks so much for this lovely message. I am frustrated by my GPs initial response, coupled with I’m ‘only’ 40 but surely if symptomatic age doesn’t matter? I’ve tried to argue I have non-ID twins too so much release two eggs some cycles so it can’t be that hard to believe.

I do totally agree with you - it’s crazy the effort it seems I’ll need to go to now to feel even mildly up for it 🤣 but I will absolutely take a look at that book.

Oh that’s good. Maybe I need to pursue this more; I worry as I’ve had breast cysts a lot (including very recently, hard tissue/cysts back in Jan) I’d be refused HRT but I could be wrong, this is something a friend mentioned but it’s just all so new to me!

Women can get testosterone prescribed by a doctor if it’s for libido (or we can in Scotland) - worth checking. It helps if you have a clued up GP, some really don’t seem to have much knowledge re meno issues - I asked for referral to a meno specialist, who is great (took a couple of years on the waiting list! If I had realised that I would have gone private). Don’t give up op, we are all so different it can take a while to find what works for you. I don’t have libido issues but take HRT and Sertraline for other symptoms, and defo feel better than I did. Good luck.

@alphabetcrayons I'm a similar age to you and am also struggling with this. My GP/nurse told me last year that I'm too young for HRT. I have the anxiety and sleep problems. Found it useful to read this, and what another poster said about exhaustion resonated. I miss that alive feeling as someone said. Sorry not helpful but I'm glad it's not just me.

Mine briefly came back with HRT but then buggered off again never to return. I have absolutely zero sex drive and no spark really. I'm not depressed but just feel neutral/ ho hum about most things