So upset and disappointed with Husband and life

MaeDaymon · 2025-02-07T15:09:41+00:00

I'm in the midst of perimenopause. I'm experiencing anxiety and generally feeling upset and ruminating about choices made. Some weeks I'm OK and some not. This is a bad week. Am I over-reacting about this: Husband and I been together for about 30 years since teens. We still have a young family. He's a good Dad. History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort. I have had several life events happen to me in the last 2 years so perhaps not been as attentive as years before. This week: Walked in on him watching po#*** you can imagine the rest. He made light of it. (He'd sneaked off upstairs) I am so upset especially as the person he was watching was the polar opposite to me. No apology. No 'I love you'. Offered to move out or me to move out with the kids while I thought it through! We are barely speaking. We're supposed to be going on holiday at half-term. Kids are excited. Any advice? Would you go on holiday?

Mangoesintoapub · 07/02/2025 15:13

You’ve been married 30 years. Surely you know whether he watches porn?

In your shoes I’d talk about it like a couple of adults. I wouldn’t start cancelling holidays or being silent. If porn is a complete no for you, explain that.

History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort.

These sound like quite big issues, op.

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 15:15

Well he sounds like he has always been useless, so maybe Peri is just lowering your tolerance for shitty behaviour?

Overtheatlantic · 07/02/2025 15:17

Offering to move out tells me he wants to go.

Original poster

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 15:30

Overtheatlantic · 07/02/2025 15:17

Offering to move out tells me he wants to go.

I think he only said that due to my reaction. I was furious at first then I was just crying sporadically. I did say "I don't want to look at you" which prompted that comment. I did list all of the other stuff but no comment was made. I think he's written it off as hormones. He is extremely laid back.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/02/2025 15:36

Has this relationship been slowly but surely moving to the Dead-In-The-Water category but neither of you wants to admit it? Possibly even to yourselves? I tend to agree with JimHalpert above, he’s probably always been a bit shit and getting slowly shitter, but Peri has brought more into focus… You need an honest and open convo about where this relationship is at present I think. If Porn is a dealbreaker for you (and you really didn’t know he watched it? Come on) you need to discuss this..

WoopsLiza · 07/02/2025 15:37

I agree with PP, he's always been useless and it's your peri allowing you to see it. Unfortunately, oestrogen is largely responsible for how much of men's bullshit we can tolerate so when you start to lose it, it's much harder to put up with them.

Iwilladmit · 07/02/2025 15:39

If porn is a hard line for you then surely you must have discussed this previously? What has been agreed between you?

the other issues seem like a much bigger deal tbh.

Summerhillsquare · 07/02/2025 15:40

Laid back or lazy and disinterested?

Pigeonqueen · 07/02/2025 15:41

WoopsLiza · 07/02/2025 15:37

I agree with PP, he's always been useless and it's your peri allowing you to see it. Unfortunately, oestrogen is largely responsible for how much of men's bullshit we can tolerate so when you start to lose it, it's much harder to put up with them.

Yep. Absolutely classic. Oestrogen gives us rose tinted glasses where we want to love and care for everyone and suddenly off they pop and we see the arseholes for who they are. Gambling and porn ARE big issues.

godmum56 · 07/02/2025 15:53

Mangoesintoapub · 07/02/2025 15:13

You’ve been married 30 years. Surely you know whether he watches porn?

In your shoes I’d talk about it like a couple of adults. I wouldn’t start cancelling holidays or being silent. If porn is a complete no for you, explain that.

History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort.

These sound like quite big issues, op.

yup.....how big do issues have to be then?

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 16:04

If porn is that much of a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. I personally wouldn't find this to be a big deal. Even if I wasn't keen on the idea of my partner watching porn, I think a 'Er, sorry, but this just feels really grim and disrespectful, can you please not do this?' would be the proportionate reaction for me, not to be unable to look at my partner. But if it's enough for you to end a marriage over, that's obviously your prerogative. To me, this would feel like a huge overreaction, but it doesn't matter what I'd feel because I'm not you. You're entitled to have your own boundaries.

Is this something you've discussed before with him? Did he actually know quite how strongly you felt about it before now? The fact that he a) made light of it and b) hasn't felt the need to give a grovelling apology makes me suspect that he didn't really know quite how huge a deal this was for you and is therefore a bit surprised that you've reacted so strongly.

I think the fact that he's offered to move out to give you space is probably his way of apologising, really.

It does sound that your mental health isn't the best at the moment and that you're finding things difficult in general. I guess maybe ask yourself whether, if you'd caught him watching porn 20 years ago, can you imagine yourself having the same level of reaction that you had this time? Would you have felt as strongly about it and been prepared to end a marriage over it back then? If the answer's yes, then presumably this is a genuine dealbreaker for you. If the answer's 'no, I'd been a bit pissed off but not crying and unable to look at him' then I'd be asking myself whether it's the horrmones talking.

Aside from the porn thing, do you actually like your husband much? I realise that seems like an odd question but it doesn't sound like you do. The only good thing you can think of to say about him is that he's a good dad. That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.

Finally - the fact that the woman in the porn clip didn't look like you means absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. He won't have searched for a specific type of woman. He will have searched for a certain sex act or scenario, not a particular kind of woman. I appreciate that your objection is to porn in general, but I thought I'd mention it as you highlighted that detail in your post as something particularly hurtful. But honestly, people's porn viewing is rare driven by the specific looks of the performers.

Original poster

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 16:35

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 16:04

If porn is that much of a dealbreaker for you, then so be it. I personally wouldn't find this to be a big deal. Even if I wasn't keen on the idea of my partner watching porn, I think a 'Er, sorry, but this just feels really grim and disrespectful, can you please not do this?' would be the proportionate reaction for me, not to be unable to look at my partner. But if it's enough for you to end a marriage over, that's obviously your prerogative. To me, this would feel like a huge overreaction, but it doesn't matter what I'd feel because I'm not you. You're entitled to have your own boundaries.

Is this something you've discussed before with him? Did he actually know quite how strongly you felt about it before now? The fact that he a) made light of it and b) hasn't felt the need to give a grovelling apology makes me suspect that he didn't really know quite how huge a deal this was for you and is therefore a bit surprised that you've reacted so strongly.

I think the fact that he's offered to move out to give you space is probably his way of apologising, really.

It does sound that your mental health isn't the best at the moment and that you're finding things difficult in general. I guess maybe ask yourself whether, if you'd caught him watching porn 20 years ago, can you imagine yourself having the same level of reaction that you had this time? Would you have felt as strongly about it and been prepared to end a marriage over it back then? If the answer's yes, then presumably this is a genuine dealbreaker for you. If the answer's 'no, I'd been a bit pissed off but not crying and unable to look at him' then I'd be asking myself whether it's the horrmones talking.

Aside from the porn thing, do you actually like your husband much? I realise that seems like an odd question but it doesn't sound like you do. The only good thing you can think of to say about him is that he's a good dad. That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship to me.

Finally - the fact that the woman in the porn clip didn't look like you means absolutely nothing. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. He won't have searched for a specific type of woman. He will have searched for a certain sex act or scenario, not a particular kind of woman. I appreciate that your objection is to porn in general, but I thought I'd mention it as you highlighted that detail in your post as something particularly hurtful. But honestly, people's porn viewing is rare driven by the specific looks of the performers.

Perhaps I have over-reacted. Hormonally speaking I'm better today than I was a few days ago.

He knows my thoughts from previous times. I do call it out each time.
I think it's the secretive aspect and his general secrecy things I dislike the most but I am someone the over shares everything!

He never compliments me or says anything nice about me in fact! He isn't an emotional or sentimental person. Laid back to the extreme describes him. We're Yin and Yang over most things. I buy my own birthday cards for him to write!

He is generally supportive but lacks in some areas but I am only just realising this ironically! Again, thanks to hormones?

I have changed a lot since we met in every way. Perhaps he's going to the p*#@ for that reason. I used to be laid back too.

I also have wondered if he's having a mid-life crisis as he is bringing up age a lot.

OP posts:

JimHalpertsWife · 07/02/2025 16:37

So was he just watching porn/wanking in the middle of the day when any of the kids could've walked in and you were home?

That's really not good - surely he could've waited til the kids were in bed, or he was locked in the bathroom having a shower?

Who thinks "I'm horny" when in the midst of general family day?!

Nothatgingerpirate · 07/02/2025 16:44

The porn wouldn't bother me that much, living with him would.

Pigeonqueen · 07/02/2025 17:01

You buy your own birthday cards? 😳😞 You deserve more.

Clarice99 · 07/02/2025 17:01

Laid back to the extreme describes him

Lazy, useless, disinterested lump describes him better. Your bar seems very low. Buying your own birthday cards for him to write - WTAF!

Porn, gambling, him not putting in even the tiniest effort into the relationship - they are not minor issues. Your self esteem must be shot to pieces.

ItGhoul · 07/02/2025 17:13

MaeDaymon · 07/02/2025 16:35

Perhaps I have over-reacted. Hormonally speaking I'm better today than I was a few days ago.

He knows my thoughts from previous times. I do call it out each time.
I think it's the secretive aspect and his general secrecy things I dislike the most but I am someone the over shares everything!

He never compliments me or says anything nice about me in fact! He isn't an emotional or sentimental person. Laid back to the extreme describes him. We're Yin and Yang over most things. I buy my own birthday cards for him to write!

He is generally supportive but lacks in some areas but I am only just realising this ironically! Again, thanks to hormones?

I have changed a lot since we met in every way. Perhaps he's going to the p*#@ for that reason. I used to be laid back too.

I also have wondered if he's having a mid-life crisis as he is bringing up age a lot.

Show quote history

To be honest, the other things you've mentioned - the gambling, the fact that you have to buy your own birthday cards (wtf?), the lack of conversation etc - sound like the things I would focus on, rather than the porn incident. Or maybe the porn incident was just more a case of the straw that broke the camel's back - something which, alone, wouldn't have been enough for you to end the relationship but in combination with the other things, just felt like too much.

You might be right that's he's also going through some middle-aged angst of his own too. Not that it excuses shitty behaviour, of course it doesn't, but I'm sure men get that midlife dread too where you just wonder where your life's going and think 'Is this all there is?' just like we do.

Completelyjo · 07/02/2025 17:16

I think it's the secretive aspect and his general secrecy things I dislike the most but I am someone the over shares everything!

Of course he’s going to be secretive about going for a wank though? He’s hardly going to tell you he’s off for a quick one.
Although the porn seems like the least of the issues in your marriage!

Original poster

MaeDaymon · 15/02/2025 14:01

Update: We had a long discussion about everything. When I thought he was being secretive about some stuff it was easily explained.

I asked to see the video he was watching. It was a lot less than I had imagined.

Anyway we made up and with great sex! Many times!

I definitely over-reacted initially. I am blaming peri hormones but I seem to have rampant hormones currently.

Thanks to everyone who posted and sent DM's.

OP posts:

DoloresODonovan · 15/02/2025 14:09

easily explained was it - well if you say so…

unsync · 15/02/2025 14:47

Your update doesn't make things better. You seem to have low expectations amongst other things, especially taken in light of this ⬇️

History: No big issues. Odd examples of immature behaviour. Lost a lot of money through gambling. Secretive. Not a great conversationalist. Never makes an effort.

This kind of behaviour would have been a dealbreaker for most women with normal self-esteem. Your tolerance level is obviously quite high.