Help! Think I’m either losing my mind or peri menopausal. 37, 38 soonmarried to lovely husband 2 kids, job I love house etc all I ever wanted. But if I am going over every life choice I have ever made! Seriously it’s literally keeping me awake at night ruminating about an ex roommate (who I am still long distance friends with) who I nearly split up with my husband for. I can’t get the what if out of my head. He is now married with his lovely wife and little girl - I am so happy for him he’s a lovely fella and they had a nightmare with fertility. I didn’t even shag him ffs as I knew he was a player and I didn’t want to cheat on my now dh. But equally I knew he was well into me but I pushed him anyway as I didnt fully trust him and waned him to fight a bit harder to tell me how he felt I guess. Turns out he had no idea I liked him? We kissed once and I said I felt guilty- he said he didn’t- red flag one. He was bloody gorgeous tho. Very poor communication on both our parts and nothing happened but it definitely could have. The tension was insane for the first few months but I pulled away. Literally.
one of those sliding doors moments when I nearly said what I was feeling ‘I’m falling for you’ but didnt want to give him that power. Anyway as i got to know him as a friend there were lots of red flags - had a long distance girlfriend, pursued me, held her to higher standards than himself, shagged around etc. liked skinny girls - I was curvy, not his type at all. We also wanted different things in terms of careers, core beliefs were not aligned etc. I very much felt like I still waned to bang him the whole time though but knew i would never be able to trust him as I knew too much about him! He married his long distance and got divorced and met his now wife 3 years within parting ways. Always stayed in touch on and off because despite all that he is a lovely person and was clearly needi to work though his slut phase. supposed I always wondered if I would have been enough if I had said what I wanted. I think part of me is angry at my younger self for not being braver and being a people pleaser ie not wanting to hurt my now dh, even though it was still very new and being worried about what my family would say as they had all met him etc which was a big deal.
I think also I’ve struggled a bit with dh personality - we get on so well but I think miss the banter -
had thought it would come as there was a language barrier but it never quite got there. Anyway aside from that he is absolutely lush and we are a great match. Our relationship has been largely based on deep trust and amazing shagging, and I think this is part of the issue. I basically on reflection had an emotional affair but that concept didn’t exist at the time. Which has left me guilty bu also questioning whether dh was truly right for me, but then logical me knows no one is perfect! And we are so in love still. Urgh I feel like such a twat - also peri stuff:
insomnia
ruminating
questioning life choices
shorter period cycles
increased libido (loving this bit)
worse eczema and dry skin
wishing I was 21 again
no motivation in work
day dreaming not focused at all.
does this resonate with anyone?