Im 40 and terrified of everything i hear about perimenopause.

[MyJadeStork]

Hey ladies,
I feel silly about this but it's really making me anxious so I thought id reach out. I just had a baby and turned 40, I don't know if I'm having a crisis but it's rocked me. I'm constantly targeted by perimenopause articles and memes and it sounds so awful it's making me feel so frightened to be in my 40s and like the best has gone. I've been scouring the Internet for positive stories but all I ever find are how you lose yourself, your body changes and you get really sad. I'm not sure if I'm in it but I was wondering if anyone had any good news stories? Is there anyone living in perimenopause who isn't totally miserable?

I honestly think id come back a bloke, at least they keep their bone density.

Thanks girls. Anything that I can cling on to lll take

X

All that is happening is that women are trying to finally redress the balance of it not being spoken about for decades

I don't think that is right. The menopause was very much spoken of before the recent period during which it has become spoken of so relentlessly (i.e. the last decade or possibly a bit more). The significant change that has happened in the recent period seems to have more to do with the media having taken it up as a bandwagon issue.

I was an adolescent or a young adult when HRT first began to be offered as a treatment. To begin with it was over offered. Almost every woman of menopausal age who went to the doctor with any problem was in danger of being fobbed off by sexist doctors with "its your hormones, dear" and a prescription for HRT.

Then there was a reaction against that and a dialling back of the frequency of prescriptions, partly because of some anxieties about potential negative effects, partly as a result of tackling doctors' sexism.

I understand that those anxieties about potential negative effects have for the most part been resolved by further research and there has therefore been an increase once again in HRT prescription. At every stage these changing attitudes to HRT have been well reported and discussed.

My point is that through the whole of my adult life there had been medical and social attention paid both to the menopause and to changing understanding of the net value of HRT. Menopause is by no means an issue that is 'suddenly' being respected.

Obviously women in the past, and women now, will all have varying experiences of how attentive and perceptive their doctors are in relation to whatever health difficulties they present with. In some cases doctors will fail to see that menopause is the cause. In other cases doctors will blame menopause for something that has a different cause.

But what is undoubtedly true at the moment is that society is bombarding us with the idea that menopause is essentially problematic, which it isn't, and the idea that women of a certain age are pretty much defined in terms of their fluctuating hormones, which they aren't.
I'm pretty sure that non-menopause-related conditions are at greater risk, now, of being wrongly framed as menopause related. Especially on social media and in general conversation. I hope GPs are less fashion-influenced than MN is in this respect.

My point is that through the whole of my adult life there had been medical and social attention paid both to the menopause and to changing understanding of the net value of HRT. Menopause is by no means an issue that is 'suddenly' being respected.
Agreed.

One of the things that concerns me is the fixation that everything that happens to women healthwise if they are 40 to 55 is blamed on the menopause. I wonder how many things are missed because of it.
Some people might get some symptoms but none of the issues that are mentioned are inevitable.
I had hot flushes. They were pretty unpleasant for a year and then tapered off. Nothing else. No weight gain, no mood swings - in fact I felt better than when I had periods.

Other than a few months of heavy periods I had no symptoms of peri menopause and then no menopause symptoms. Not everyone has a bad time.

@AlbertCamusflage I agree with some of that but not all.
I'm wondering how old you are and which 'generation'?

HRT was offered as far back as the mid 1960s, but rarely.

I know that for my generation (my mum's in her 90s) women didn't talk much about it at all and it was referred to as 'she's going through The Change'. I didn't know anyone then using HRT.

I did know a lot of my Mum's friends who were taking Valium and other similar drugs for 'nerves' as it was called - and sleeping tablets. I know that many of them now have osteoporosis.

75% of women have symptoms and 33% have bad symptoms that can last for decades. My Mum was having flushes into her 80s. (Refused HRT at 60 as told then she was 'too old'.)

My personal take on it is that women need medical facts about ways to relieve symptoms and also prevent long term serious disease like heart disease and osteoporosis.

Sadly, NICE has decided not to offer routine DEXA scans despite 1:2 women (or 1:3 depending which stats you look at) over 50 having osteoporosis. So the context and informed decision for early intervention is missing.

One of the biggest gripes for me is that there are a whole host of issues that ARE related to loss of estrogen - but no one's joining the dots- neither women nor GPs. (And they are fobbed off with other drugs or none.)

But at the same time, lifestyle is a huge factor and good consultants will tell you that. HRT isn't the quick fix if your lifestyle isn't healthy.

I hate the bandwagon of special face creams etc for menopause - and all the herbs and supplements that are pushed with no credible science behind them.

Younger women now just need to be positive about the menopause because treatment with HRT is improving all the time and (sadly) social media tends to show the 'problems' with the menopause, not positive experiences.

I have many female family members and not one of them has had severe issues with menopause , they are all the same size (they do run and exercises a lot tho..) , the piling on weight is a total myth as we naturally appetite goes down as we age. People just use menopause as an excuse for weight gain but I do think things like anti-depressant use , stress of kids , jobs , life in general can cause weight gain in any age group now. Also none of my female relatives look that different, a bit more lined but that it tbh, not a massive difference at all. I do think it can be hard if you have very young kids at an older age as I had them young and found it exhausting in my late 20’s ! Mumsnet is obsessed with every issue being menopause related. I’ve seen poor women in their mid/late 30’s on here left terrified as they are still ttc and are told their symptoms (which could be anything!) are definitely menopause related..

I agree that much of the current coverage of the menopause is designed to get clicks or sell products and services. We are in danger of pathologising what is a natural life stage. I would say to any younger woman reading this that there are so many positives about getting older, I have found it extremely empowering.

There is a wonderful book on the history of the menopause called The Slow Moon Climbs. She makes a lot of great points about why the menopause is an evolutionary advantage for humans, and how the experience of menopause differs across cultures. Really interesting.

I've had some horrible periods, the odd hot flush, definitely emotional issues but then always had raging PMT anyway, other than that I don't know what's peri and what's my chronic illness.

I'll tell you what is fucking ace about it though....when your oestegen dips, you stop giving a fuck what other people think so much. I've found it quite liberating.

Some people have a hard time and some not. My menopause was horrendous until I started taking HRT then I was pretty instantly back to normal. I changed mentally and am so much happier for it. I am no longer a people pleaser and know my own mind and what I want out of life.
I am so much happier post menopausal than premenopausal.
It's not called the change for nothing. You do change. Usually for the better.

To pick up on some PP's earlier points, while I think it's a very good thing that we are prepared to/able to openly talk about the menopause, and it's potential impact on women - rather than have to talk coyly, in hushed terms, about 'The Change', my concern is that it's becoming so much of an issue, especially in the workplace, that it's (yet another) black mark against employing women! Pesky women have period problems, have to take time off work to have their babies and now they want special treatment when they get older. Far easier to just give the jobs to the boys.

I hope I exaggerate ...

I agree that there is a menopause "market" for special vitamins and wellness products all all sorts of other shit which is just there to make money. But again, women who are suffering will try anything to help them feel normal again.

My mum is 80 and she never discussed menopause at all - just not mentioned. Ever. She is now on the list for a double hip replacement because of osteoarthritis - would HRT have prevented that? We'll never know but she and all her friends were all very much of the school of "tish tosh, all perfectly natural, nothing to make a fuss about, medication is for the weak".

There's still a lot of that about - loads of posts on here with the idea that if you take HRT you're failing in some way, sort of like the people who crow about giving birth with only a couple of paracetamol as if the midwives gave out prizes.

At the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and we're all different. If you'd prefer to manage your symptoms with healthy eating, yoga and vitamins then that's fine, and it's also fine to be on HRT patches. One approach is not better than the other.

@Gettingbysomehow has said same as me without the potty mouth. See, there's hope @MyJadeStork Plus 40 isn't 50. You're still young. No point spending time worrying about how you react. You may coast through.

I also had a raging libido around 45 so enjoy that if you get it 🤣

If women were well informed about the menopause or had access to a doctor who was, this forum wouldn't exist.

There is still work to be done, informing women.

I'm 67, am I too old to have HRT? I went through the menopause at a time when hardly anyone was on HRT

I'm beginning it now I think. It's been 9 weeks since my last period and I really hope I never have another one. They take over nearly half my life and are a giant pain in the arse.
I'm looking forward to hag life. Kids are nearly grown up and I'm gonna do so many things that I think are fun. Long hikes, reading, gardening, contemplating existence, creating new and good things, conservation projects. Fuck what anyone else wants.

CharityShopChic
This is interesting about your mum. Mine was the same. You never talked about it and medication was definitely for the weak. She wouldn't even take paracetamol ffs! She also had a knee/ hip replacement but had breast cancer at 60 so wasn't able to have the op for years and then her other hip went and the cancer returned. She died at 76.
I often wonder whether hrt would have helped her. I tried it and it did nothing for my body aching. She never talked about her symptoms. I just remember her saying the menopause lasts 10 years and locking herself away in her bedroom every night after dinner.

I'm in my 70s and there was no such thing as 'peri menopause' when I would have been the right sort of age for it. Everyone experiences the menopause differently - I was lucky that it was quite straightforward and definitely not something to worry about in advance.

I'm 75 and there was peri-menopause when I had it, 25 years ago. It's just the name for the time leading up to the menopause, the hot flushes and irregular periods time before periods stop altogether. I can remember it quite well between 49 and 51. It wasn't that awful and others my age had the same. It was nice when periods stopped, one less thing to think about. It all seems a very long ago now.

I personally think menopause is like periods and pregnancy.

Some women have horrendous periods - painful, heavy bleeding, terrible PMT, etc - this has always been the case but in the past women were expected not to talk about or were treated for being 'mad'. Other women sail through their periods- light / moderate bleeding, mild PMT etc

Some women have terrible problems in pregnancy- problems with fertility, miscarriages, frightening and sometimes dangerous mental health issues during or after pregnancy. Again these things have always happened but we now have more medical awareness. Some women get pregnant easily, have an easy pregnancy and no / mild mental health issues.

This is exactly the same for menopause / peri menopause but currently the awareness of how it can affect women is being raised. I have friends who are sailing through it. However for some women the effect is severe. This has always been the case it just wasn't talked about or if effects were attributed to other things. My mum remembers her mum having a terrible time and unfortunately my mum, sister and me have had a difficult time.

Women's hormones are complex, ever changing and have a different effect on different people.

I was lucky to get pregnant easily and had a fairly straightforward pregnancy - this was not because I had the right mindset, took the right vitamins, had 'the best' lifestyle, did yoga, etc.

Similarly I am having a terrible time being menopausal even though I am taking all the vitamins, exercising, not drinking caffeine or alcohol etc etc

You might sail through being menopausal, you might not. Unfortunately it happens to all women and raising awareness that having a terrible time during menopause is not the fault of the woman is vital.

My peri journey has not been great at all but (and this is a big but), during these peri years (from 45 until now at 52) I have been under a tremendous amount of stress starting with school refusal from my eldest, losing my MIL to cancer and now caring for my mum who has dementia and breast cancer. Also, I was only diagnosed with endometriosis a year ago following decades of gynae issues.

I look after myself (exercise, sleep, weight is low, don't drink etc) and I do honestly believe if I didn't have all of this outside stress (thanks to the sandwich generation) and I had known all along I had endo and that was managed well, I would probably have had a much less bumpy peri journey. The anxiety is a whole other issue though.

I have many friends who have had very few issues but they also have fairly stress-free lives, I do believe that plays a very big part in menopausal symptoms.

@Pancakeparlour my GP called it 'the perfect storm'. For some women they have challenges with the parents, challenges with their teenagers, challenges with their husbands, working full time, having all the mental load and then add menopause on top.

Previously I coped well with the challenges however since being menopausal it is now overwhelming.

Looking back I had some peri menopause symptoms from about 45 onwards. More achey, couldn’t tolerate much alcohol… can’t think of much else.
Had my last period at 51
Started to suffer with very dry skin in my late 50s, I just slather on E45 cream or Cerave for that.
Other than that I’ve never given it a second thought.
I’m 60 now, try to stay fit, lots of fresh air and I do some weights. Lots of sleep & water too.
I don’t take collagen or anything else we are constantly being told about. Just a daily Vit D.

You are not being silly. My DD is 36 and she’s mentioned being worried about all the doom and gloom around menopause.
Enjoy your life and your lovely new baby x