Rage

[Lucylou784]

My mum is perimenopausal, it was all going okay ish until about a month ago. I’ve noticed the affects over the last 6 months, differences in mood etc

But last month she seems to have actually lost the plot a bit, the anger at every thing I do and accusing me of things I haven’t done. It is awful and I’ve seen a lot of people say that it’s the real them but I know her and this is not the real her. It is like talking to a different person and constant anger must be exhausting for her but I don't know what to do. I feel like I’m being slowly worn down and at times, abused by the constant anger. I don’t know what the ‘average’ experience is and if this is normal then I’m genuinely not sure how any relationships make it through

My mum was like this. It was awful so you have my sympathy. She was a ball of fire and kicked off at everything and everyone.

This was years ago though, has your mum sought any help / HRT?

Shes on HRT but I’m wondering if it needs adjusting. How long was your mum like that? I’m worried our relationship won’t make it through! I want to be there for her because it’s sad to see her become almost a different person but equally it’s so hard being on the receiving end of it

I understand that you are tired. The patience is wearing thin. First, have you told her how her emotional outburst is affecting you? Have you tried going to the doctor with her for an assessment? If she's in neutral mode, try practicing relaxation exercises with her like meditation, breathing exercises, and yoga. Also, if she's open to taking natural alternatives, let her try chamomile tea.

@Lucylou784 I feel for you because I am the same with my daughter. I sometimes can't control the rage, it's nothing personal, it's very difficult to explain. It's how I imagine toddlers must feel. I do acknowledge it though and apologise. I also try to make myself leave the room if I can! I'm a lone parent so my daughter gets the brunt and she's going through teenage years so this house is like a ticking timebomb. If you can do some research Louise Newson has very good podcasts. Then maybe you could advise her to get more help.

My mother was like this and it ruined our relationship. Many years ago now. Mind you she has been difficult with pretty much everyone in her life. She never had help through menopause (1980s) and I wish she had.
Now I’ve been through it myself I would like to say I haven’t had the Rage although I am more irritable and have less patience - less “nice” - but I have never ever been a shouty person and my mother would shout and scream at me and my father.
Perhaps talk to her and see if she’s open to adjustment?
Getting outdoors and doing very physical things are good outlets too. Running, weights, maybe even a punchbag or something. Good to let it out!

Thank you this is helpful, makes it easier knowing it is not so personal. I also realised it’s in particular the week before her period, she just started her period and she genuinely is back to herself for a bit! Bit softer on the edges and doesn’t bite at anything I say. Sometimes she can say quite personal things to me but then after a few days cooling down she will address what wasn’t true. I will look at that podcast. It’s a mindfield knowing how much to allow because she wasn’t like this before at all so it is the change in hormones but how much of the behaviour do you put up with! I also am aware this could be me when I go through it!!

How old are you?

How old is your Mum?

What are your living arrangements?

Yes, our relationship has already changed massively. In some ways for the good, she challenged some of my own behaviour towards her which is great but then now she reads incorrectly into my intentions - she thinks the worst of me!!
that is awful what happened with your mum, especially if she had no help 😢 Awful for all of you, damaging for all of you and can’t of made her feel good.

i think if she is difficult in the week leading up to her period again then I will say something as there’s a correlation.
thank you for your message

Maybe your living arrangements have a negative impact on your Mum?

Sounds like she may need to increase her oestrogen dose. So many ladies are just presented with HRT at one dose and method and think that this is it when actually they would benefit from a higher dose or a different way of taking it.

I'd get an understanding yourself of this and then talk to her about tweaking her dose. Perhaps go to the GP with her and if her GP is poor stump up for a private appointment for her!

Hi sorry your going through this.
I'm currently going through it. And no it's not who we really are.
It's almost akin to how it feels when going through puberty I think. When your hormones come in and you feel overwhelmed by everyday life and the simplest tasks become almost like a mountain to climb.
The anger surges through you and although you can feel it and you know its not nice to shout or have a go at someone. It's almost a release of that anger so it feels in another sense a relief to get it out.
Not nice for the person that it has landed on not at all.
It's almost a reverse of puberty. Your body switched on ready to start a family. And now your body is switching off.
Not sure if this helps at all.
Maybe explaining to your mum calmly how you feel hurt when you are the one that has this land on them. And although you can't understand as this is her journey you have been patient, but it's wearing thin now because you feel you haven't had much of a break between the outbursts. I'm sure she knows what she's doing just doesn't feel able to control where and when the outburst happens.

This is so helpful and reassuring to read, thank you so much. Unfortunately knowing it’s not her and knowing it’s hormones isn’t making it less hurtful! I just can’t work out if she knows what she’s doing but she can’t help it or if she’s doing it and believing her own reading of the situation if that makes sense? Or how much of it are real feelings?I can’t work out if she can see that she is overacting to things now that are really small issues. She doesn’t seem to like me much anymore and her behaviour towards me matches that but other times she says she wants to spend time with me. It is sad when you’ve had such a lovely relationship up until now and I don’t even recognise her sometimes now

I was that mum and I’m so sorry.
I actually lost my mind for a time.
Became a different person.
When I came out the “other side” I had lost one son and very badly hurt another (who immediately forgave me, to his eternal credit, despite me not deserving it).

The son I lost eventually forgave me too. We are all reconciled now but it was hell on earth for a good few years and I do so much regret it. 😢

Your welcome.

I.am.so sorry your having to go through this. It isn't nice. I try to make up for it when I'm in a normal frame of.mind. and hope that it won't last much longer because I hate myself when I'm experiencing this. It feels so debilitating.

Have you asked your mum what is enraging her exactly? I know that I am absolutely fine mood-wise when I'm left alone. What enrages me is when I walk into a room and someone else has left crap everywhere, or when people are thoughtless and uncaring about the value of my time. I've spent two decades raising these humans and I want them to now take their share of keeping things running in the household. If they did that and didn't take me and my time/energy/labour for granted I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be enraged. There is some truth in this anger - it's not just 'irrational'. Perimenopausal women are very often knackered and angry for good reason.

This is awful to read. Regardless of her hormones, periods or if in peri she is beien verbally amd emotionally abusive to you. Menopause is not an excuse to behave appallingly.

How old are you, do you have any support?

Someone needs to have an honest, brutal talk to her and tell her that it is not ok to behave like she is. Whether she needs different meds, anger management, to try exercise, whatever. She needs to address this now. Good luck

'If they did that and didn't take me and my time/energy/labour for granted I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be enraged. There is some truth in this anger - it's not just 'irrational'

This is gaslighting.

Reactions should be proportionate, fine be irritated and tell them to sort the mess out but to be enraged is not ok. It is emotional abuse.

We've all been there with fluctuating hormones but the moment you are enraged is the moment you step away and count to whatever you need to to calm down. If you can't and do blow a gasket then thorough apologies are required not this 'they made me do it' mentality.

Physical activity is great for blowing off some rage. It is up to us manage it, others should not have to take it.

I developed PMDD in perimenopause, which is fairly common. I’d always had quite bad PMT but this was a whole new level. It was so bad that they removed my ovaries to put me through menopause overnight. I’ve been really calm since, it’s amazing! Some women are exceptionally sensitive to surges in hormones.

Try and talk to your Mum (early to mid cycle if possible). She’s probably terrified by it too. Progesterone therapy can work for some women. But you need to look after yourself too. All I can suggest is to keep out of her way as much as you can during that week, and let her know how you’re feeling. But I can assure you, this isn’t the ‘real’ her. It’s like being possessed by a demon! It will pass. x

I get what you're saying but I suppose we might be defining 'enraged' differently. I'm talking about the pure feeling of anger rather than the behaviour. Anger is a sign that you need things to be different - that your boundaries are being crossed in some way, or you need to set new ones. Of course it's not OK to be abusive. But to be at the end of your tether after years of being everyone's dogsbody is often the reality women in perimenopause are facing.

Hi @Lucylou784 how old are you and how old is your mum? Are only the two of you in the house?

open.spotify.com/episode/2G4yz3wuVBaNx3J6WxhpX0?si=PA9qhLuTTnar22SCTtkr1w&context=spotify%3Ashow%3A3xjVJZnzikFqAXKuwRRv2M This may give some perspective.

Rather not give too much detail but I’m an adult and don’t live with her. Thanks for the link to the podcast 😊