He has always been wracked with guilt. I should’ve listened to him and walked away. I couldn’t. Like a love struck teenager, I had fallen for him. Hook, line and sinker! Still feel the same way about him. He cares for me underneath and has always tried to help me. He regretted everything and stoppI’m not sure where to begin but my life has turned upside down and I am not happy in it at all. Feeling very down all the time and don’t enjoy the things I once did.
A lot has happened to me over the last few years. My mother died in 2015 (cancer) and I lost both of my siblings (one an alcoholic who had done all sorts of damage to his liver, the other by suicide). My parents divorced when I was 8 and my father disappeared from my life (I was the youngest). He died, so I heard, when I was 26.
I worked hard at school and did well in exams. I was the first member of my family to go to university and I walked into my chosen career the week after my final exams. I was determined not to live like my mother had - she stayed single and lived off of benefits due to a health condition meaning she couldn’t work. I wanted to do something with my life…be financially secure, travel, own a house, a car etc. I wanted my children to have what I didn’t have, growing up.
I didn’t have any boyfriends as I was very career focussed and a little bit shy! I met my ex when I was travelling to and from my university placement back in the early 90’s. He was quite a bit older than me (I was 21, he was 32). He was nice and we enjoyed trips out together and holidays. However, I wasn’t overly attracted to him - although went along with things as I thought he was really nice and we got on well. I was a bit naive, I know. He had only had one girlfriend before me.
My career was going well and I focussed on that a lot. I married, let’s call him Jason, and we bought our first home together. I suppose my youth and inexperience didn’t help with how things panned out. Basically, we didn’t really do much - sexually, I mean. He wasn’t a passionate man and sex was extremely boring and one-sided. It was a chore to me and extremely boring. But, lacking experience, I thought it was the way it was meant to be but would drool over passionate scenes on TV with Richard Gere and Kevin Costner (back in the day)! I’m not a sex goddess or anything but I’d call myself very passionate and sensual (with the right person). He wasn’t affectionate anywhere else either - no holding hands, no kissing. We conceived our first child - and, I longed to be a mother - and his arrival brought happiness to my life (and kept me busy for many years). A second child came along 4 years later.
Following the birth of our second child, sex dried up and we both ended up in a sexless marriage of many years (16 years as it stands). I matured and started to see things differently (as in, his age and the fact I wasn’t attracted to him). He didn’t say anything but I think he thought I was frigid (I wasn’t). There were things he did/didn’t do that made me sometimes think he was gay, although he never admitted it. He never looked at other women, never seemed to get horny and was, actually, very critical of women (including me).
He never complimented me over the years and never once said well done for my career achievements (I am now senior management level in my field). He would call me silly names - trying to be funny - and criticised me, and the children copied him. I was the higher earner in the relationship by the way.
I was aware of our situation but I buried my feelings and got on with life. My mum met with me at weekends and I’d do a lot with her (with the children). It became obvious, later, that my marriage had morphed into a friendship/ sibling-like relationship. Sex was definitely not on the cards. That was the end of that.
Many years later, after my mum had passed, I hit menopause very abruptly at the age of 45. My world changed.
I derailed. My periods stopped one month and I was never to have another period ever again. I’d had no warning (well, I don’t remember anything) but I changed. Dramatically. I went from a successful career girl with a reasonably (minus love, sex and affection) ok marriage to a bit of a lost ship at sea - with no compass and no direction. I started driving to the countryside and would sit for hours on my own. I didn’t want to be around people. I couldn’t stand shopping in crowded places - still don’t. The children were now teenagers who were also hormonally charged, so being around them was tough! I had no grandparents on the other side either. There was no one for me to confide in. I trusted no-one. The biggest issues, apart from anxiety and feeling like my compass had gone haywire, was that I entered the sex surge (quite dramatically) of menopause and started to feel very unsettled/pis**d off in my career. I was ridiculously horny! My husband, by this point hardly noticed I was alive and we hardly spoke much. There was no passion in our marriage. No sexual chemistry. No affection. No real love. And, boom, I woke up to that realisation.
What did I do?
I thought I’d find a friend to talk to online. Stupid, I know. I just wanted a release, I guess. Someone who was on my wavelength, maybe with a career like mine that I could chat to. And, of course, it had to be a man. I now know why.
Well, you guessed it. I chatted to a few. A lot of it was sexual. I’m ashamed to admit this as I certainly wouldn’t do it now that my hormones have settled. One man became close to me. We got on well. Very well. This was 7 years ago. Like me, he was in a marriage that wasn’t ideal. However, he made it very clear (eventually ) that he was never going to leave her and made it very clear we weren’t to meet. Ever.
Trouble was, the more we talked the more I started to like him. We talked for hours and hours at times. He would remember things I’d told him, he was always nice, he was always fun and he was always passionate. I could tell he was even on the phone.
Anyway, we met eventually. We have met many times since. Yes, we had sex (shoot me). Yes, it was passionate. Numerous times. He is the most affectionate man I have ever met. He is like a drug to me. Addictive.
ed chatting online (we both did) but has stayed in touch with me. He admitted he had feelings for me but that was it and like a fool I was love struck. It isn’t enough: it never was. Yes. I am ashamed of my actions. My head was a mess.
My career went down the Swanny - I left and ended up in another field. I hated it. Became very unsettled.
I cut people from my life. I deleted all friends on Facebook. I didn’t want to deal with them anymore. My siblings both died during this time. We weren’t particularly close. Age gap.
I have met this man a few times recently and he has kept it platonic. It’s the way it is and I was stupid to think this was going somewhere and I feel ashamed at my actions driven by a hormonal outburst that last well over a year.
The ‘affair’ opened my eyes to my loveless marriage. I ended my marriage after going through a lot of turmoil and after meeting the other man the first time. I was lost. I was confused but I knew I had missed out - massively. I was able to release my passions with the other man as he matched me in many ways. He still says his marriage is sexless. He swears it is. Who knows!?
We still talk to each other although he clearly has reigned in his naughty talk. We still get on well. However, he can never be mine and I need to stop being 16 years old and being a fool. My problem is, when I fall I fall, massively. It will take me years to get over this and, at 52, I don’t have time for this.
I changed jobs and now work mainly remotely but it’s a management role and I don’t like it. I am unhappy in both my personal and my working life.
I am losing my home soon as I have to sell it to give half to my ex. My children mainly live with their father. I am struggling financially now as I am paying back thousands in solicitor fees (who did nothing for me).
I am really down in life. I don’t know how to get out of it. GP didn’t think I was menopausal and didn’t offer HRT when I went a few years ago. So, I have struggled without it. Too late now as damage done and my symptoms have settled.
I lay on the sofa most evenings. Cry most evenings at what I haven’t had, what I have lost and what I could’ve had. I don’t want to go anywhere. Life is just awful. I am in love with someone I can’t have and have been a fool.
I have no family apart from the two children (now 20 and 16). Eldest at university mostly, works part time and has a girlfriend so I hardly see him. Youngest not a delight to live with as moody and ignores me.
My best friend has cancer (spread to 4 places ) and has been having chemo since Feb. It’s not looking good. She is the one person I would’ve confided in but I can’t knowing how sick she is.
How can I escape this turmoil? This is not how I planned my life out.
I’m extremely lonely and feel very alone.