How men suffer during menopause

dadoftwo1 · 2024-07-14T09:43:29+00:00

I don’t know where to turn. My wife says I’m not supportive and I don’t love her or look at her. But after her aggressive episodes including pushing screaming and in come cases threats and ugly name calling. How am I supposed to bounce back. has not obtained any help. There is so much I can take. What should I do ?

Scarletttulips · 14/07/2024 10:44

Ask her to see a GP.

Im going through this but I am not aggressive or moody and I don’t call my DH names etc

I think you need to leave.

Inspireme2 · 14/07/2024 10:57

It's unpredictable, and is she fully aware of her abusive behaviour? Lack of respect towards you?
How is she towards other people?
Is she taking hormone treatment?
If not, perhaps ask her to go see her gp.
I would record one of her abusive moments that should let her hear herself.
A woman would not be advised to tale that sort of treatment so she gets her act together or do you want to co tune to live with this up to 10yrs?

Squirrel4000 · 14/07/2024 11:15

Is this "her" has she always been aggressive and abusive? Perhaps only while drunk? Or is this out of character?

If it's totally out of character and you're safe then... you signed up for "in sickness and in health" so should try to help and steer her towards a GP etc. Also try reaching out for help officially yourself - if only to cover yourself in-case she does get violent. Even if you don't get hurt, by default you'd be blamed if you defended yourself and the police would understandably take her side and may kick you out "to prevent a breach of the peace".

If it's in character, or you've tried getting both of you help and can't take it any more then run.

TansySorrel · 14/07/2024 11:19

Are you sure it's to do with the menopause? I'm a widowed mum and thankfully I've never behaved like that to my children because it would have been abusive. Does she behave like that in public and at work too? Or just when she thinks she can get away with it?

JinglingSpringbells · 14/07/2024 11:20

Judging from posts here, many women find that at menopause, they no longer take any shit from anyone. I'm wondering if you and your wife have not been happy for many years? Is it all boiling over now?

Could her side of the story be that she's fed up with you? That you don't do your share of the chores, you don't consider her feelings, you don't pull your weight in many respects?

The fact she says you are not supportive gives a clue. What does she want support with? Her hormonal moods, or running the house, looking after children, and supporting her if she's working?

Original poster

dadoftwo1 · 01/02/2025 00:49

Recently having dinner with friends and the wife’s got onto the subject of menopause and asked me
of my thought and how things were from a husbands point of view. I explained that it’s been horrific. The abuse the name calling. The constant waking up to to fights and countless messages of abuse before I get into the office. The mental and sometimes physical scares. Guess what … these women just laughed at me.

men are not taken seriously at all.

OP posts:

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 01/02/2025 02:24

Discussing that in public in my opinion wasn't a smart move perhaps dw wasn't keen on her medical issues being up for discussion.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/02/2025 02:52

I have to say everyone suffered during my menopause. But I realised this wasn't right and went to get HRT which calmed things down a lot. She should see her doctor, I remember thinking I was going insane at the time. I wasn't nice to live with but your wife does have the responsibility to do something about it.
A lot of past resentments seem to come up during that time.

beencaughttrollin · 01/02/2025 03:02

Men are taken plenty seriously.

My guess is that these women laughed at you because of the dark humour of finally hearing a man acknowledge the crap that women go through in medical terms - but phrased as how it impacts HIM, not HER. Please, let that go and let's move on and try to help your wife.

Has your wife had help with what she's experiencing in menopause? It's not one size fits all, so her reading about menopause may help a little but may not be enough. It's only been really really recently that menopause has been recognized as something that's significant and important and impactful to many/most women. Women are used to reading around health and life advice that is geared almost exclusively to men; we ask other women and if your wife has done that - if she's asked her mother or aunt or grandmother or mentor or even older sister - she's likely not been told that there are resaurces to help women with menopause now.

My advice would be to leverage your relationship with her to tell her that she DOES need help, to say that help is available, and to point her toward that help and ask her to at least try and see if it helps HER.

Pinkrosesgreenleaves · 01/02/2025 11:21

When does the pushing and screaming happen? What are the ugly names she’s called you?
Do you have children?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/02/2025 11:34

I’d imagine it was nervous laughter not really knowing what to do with all that, especially if your wife was sitting there while you threw her under the bus in front of all her friends. It sounds like she’s really struggling and needs to look at her options for HRT/therapy etc. Not everyone can take HRT so don’t hold out for a magic cure, but she needs to take responsibility for her own health and behaviour.

If I were you I’d broach it in a calm moment and tell her you won’t put up with verbal and physical abuse, that you understand she may be having some physical and emotional effects from the hormonal upheaval but that she has to help herself as neither of you deserve to live in such an unhappy state.

Then if she refuses you have to put your safety and happiness first. If she agrees then have a timeline (maybe in your own mind rather than spoken) to see improvements before you call it a day.

Life is too short to spend it with an angry aggressive partner. Menopause is shit, and I’d give some leeway for the odd emotional outburst and rant, but she needs to be self aware enough to check herself before taking it out on her loved ones.

I’ve certainly found I’ll shout and cry a lot more easily than ever before (never really had PMT) but only when someone has been very disrespectful or mean to me. Sometimes i’m shocked when my period arrives a day or two after an argument with my DP or one of my kids (irregular due to HRT) and it’s like it all falls into place! So I know its affecting me. But I will apologise for my part, and they apologise for theirs, and we move on. If I’d been violent I would not expect forgiveness and I would move myself out for their safety and my own self preservation tbh. Once those nurturing hormones are waning, many of us are happier by ourselves!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/02/2025 11:38

Gettingbysomehow · 01/02/2025 02:52

I have to say everyone suffered during my menopause. But I realised this wasn't right and went to get HRT which calmed things down a lot. She should see her doctor, I remember thinking I was going insane at the time. I wasn't nice to live with but your wife does have the responsibility to do something about it.
A lot of past resentments seem to come up during that time.

Agree, I think everyone is shocked when mum/wifey finally snaps and tells them all how she really feels as we’ve been conditioned to put them all first over the last 30+ years and now we don’t give a fuck anymore.

It’s quite liberating to finally be able to call out your family on their bullshit and understandably that causes some upset when they’re used to you being the peacekeeper and the glue that holds it all together.

That’s not to make light of the physical aggression OP mentions, that’s not ok. But I’d put money on years of pent up frustration leading to this point.

username299 · 01/02/2025 11:44

You're not expected to bounce back. No one has to put up with abuse. I'd block her if she's hounding you with abusive texts.

I'd give her an ultimatum, she gets help or you're out.

Pinkrosesgreenleaves · 01/02/2025 12:00

Perhaps she’s had enough of pandering to you. I’m really ill today (D&V) and DH asked me in a loving gentle tone if he could do anything to help. When I suggested he could clean the house, he looked really shocked, smiled nervously and is now watching tv while waiting for me to get better.

Original poster

dadoftwo1 · 01/02/2025 12:21

beencaughttrollin · 01/02/2025 03:02

Men are taken plenty seriously.

My guess is that these women laughed at you because of the dark humour of finally hearing a man acknowledge the crap that women go through in medical terms - but phrased as how it impacts HIM, not HER. Please, let that go and let's move on and try to help your wife.

Has your wife had help with what she's experiencing in menopause? It's not one size fits all, so her reading about menopause may help a little but may not be enough. It's only been really really recently that menopause has been recognized as something that's significant and important and impactful to many/most women. Women are used to reading around health and life advice that is geared almost exclusively to men; we ask other women and if your wife has done that - if she's asked her mother or aunt or grandmother or mentor or even older sister - she's likely not been told that there are resaurces to help women with menopause now.

My advice would be to leverage your relationship with her to tell her that she DOES need help, to say that help is available, and to point her toward that help and ask her to at least try and see if it helps HER.

And if a man laughed ? There is no excuse. Women need to understand the impact this has on other halves who also have no control over the behaviours

OP posts:

Original poster

dadoftwo1 · 01/02/2025 12:23

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 01/02/2025 02:24

Discussing that in public in my opinion wasn't a smart move perhaps dw wasn't keen on her medical issues being up for discussion.

She asked me to sit down and explain.

OP posts:

Sux2buthen · 01/02/2025 12:34

She sounds abusive. If she doesn't listen and make every effort to get help I would LTB.
Good luck

creamsnugjumper · 01/02/2025 12:55

Pinkrosesgreenleaves · 01/02/2025 12:00

Perhaps she’s had enough of pandering to you. I’m really ill today (D&V) and DH asked me in a loving gentle tone if he could do anything to help. When I suggested he could clean the house, he looked really shocked, smiled nervously and is now watching tv while waiting for me to get better.

Wow really? He's a keeper!

Hope you get better soon

FindusMakesPancakes · 01/02/2025 12:59

creamsnugjumper · 01/02/2025 12:55

Wow really? He's a keeper!

Hope you get better soon

Show quote history

Only if he has actually done the cleaning, which it didn't read to me as if he has!

FindusMakesPancakes · 01/02/2025 13:12

dadoftwo1 · 01/02/2025 12:23

She asked me to sit down and explain.

Show quote history

Can you follow up with her away from that environment? Sit down calmly, when things are not tense. Reassure her you love her (assuming you do!) and that you want to support her and be with her. Acknowledge that however hard it is for you, it is harder for her. Can you afford for her to go to a private menopause specialist and get help?
Whatever you do, don't make it about you, make it about her and helping her, not how horrible she is to you. No one likes a selfish man at the best of times, let alone when perimenopausal!

Twixtmasjigsaw · 01/02/2025 13:38

Menopause can be tough but it's not an excuse for abuse. I have never contemplated hurting my husband for a second. Does she have a history of treating you like this, OP? Or is this new?

She needs to recognise the problem and be willing to get help. If she refuses to do either, then I think you have to leave to protect yourself.

AdoraBell · 01/02/2025 13:44

Are you sure it’s due to menopause? I know that hormone rollercoasters affect behaviour with some women but not all.