Same sex Relationship, struggling with my gf…

[MercyMoo]

Hi, have recently just joined. I’m looking for some sort of help or advice, my girlfriend and I have been together 4 year, first 2 1/2 year was brilliant then things started going downhill, her shouting, mood swings etc and we discovered last year she has been going through menopause (she’s 32) it’s been really hard and I know that it is about her I don’t ever try take that away from her but I am constantly on the receiving end of everything, slightest thing she sees red then looses it and I get it, constant name calling, shouting, angry moods and she often walks out on me without contact for a while, I am pretty lenient with her and I’ve done so much research to help, joined groups to see how I can support her better as I feel it’s my duty to but things are getting harder for me and when I try talk to her she just tells me I’m too soft and need to toughen up.

we haven’t been sexually active for a while, she got to the point where I couldn’t go near her and had to ask for a cuddle/kiss and she tells me she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t love me anymore then once calmed down and we’re talking she said that’s just what she feels like in the moment which is always hard to hear but I just accepted it and we’ve moved on.

I don’t feel like I can truthfully tell her how everything is affecting me as it’s her that’s going through it and I really don’t know what to do anymore.

is there anyone been in her or my situation could offer some help?

thank you for reading.

I’m sure an early menopause is tough but it’s no excuse to treat the people around you like shit. You are much too young to be putting up with this treatment and a sexless relationship.

I know that’s what I have tried to say and there’s only so much more I can take, one minute she says I deserve better and I don’t need this and should go live my life but I want her and just a better version, I am only 25 she’s 32

This may not be a popular pov but I don't think you should bend over backwards and excuse all her behaviour.

It can't be much fun going thro menopause so young, but neither is it any fun to be someone's whipping boy all the time. Telling you that she doesn't love you is particularly hurtful and not easy to come back from.

If she weren't menopausal, no-one would expect you to tolerate this, and I feel that although you may want to give a bit of leeway, that shouldn't be a carte blanche for her to be foul to you. Your feelings are important too!

In your position I think I would set very clear boundaries as to what you'll accept whilst still keeping any relationship on the road.You can sympathise with her feeling shit but her menopause is not of your doing. And if she wants the pair of you up stay together, making you feel shit is not the way forwards; so she's going to have to modulate her responses to you. I'd be clear about telling her this, plus of course that if you have done wrong you're open to being told, but in an adult empathetic manner, which allows you both to work through it.

Perhaps you need to walk away if she starts taking her temper put on you?

That's a young menopause, has she seen her doctor and been offered any help. What's she doing about her behaviour.

Few quick questions and then some advice:

1. Do you live together (presuming you do after four years but I know someone who has been with their partner for 18 and they don’t)?
2. Even if you do/don’t live together, are you connected in other ways, such as financially?
3. Is she always angry Ms Hyde or is she sometimes Ms Jekyll too?
4. What advice would you give to someone else in your position?

Here’s my advice in the meantime.

• Menopause is genuinely grim for some women and it’s horrible it is happening to her early, but it doesn’t give her licence to be grim to you
• You sound like a wonderful and supportive partner, but if you don’t have a partner of your own in this equation - i.e. someone you can have a stable, intimate and mutual relationship with then it’s one-sided
• I totally get that it’s hard to say everything that you want to in cases where someone is suffering but is also potentially volatile… so I would write her a letter, not a Dear Jane letter, just one that outlines what you really want her to hear - you could test it out on here if that helps

Sending you good vibes because you sound an incredibly caring and patient person. But you can’t continue to live like this.

I had early menopause but most of that can't even be blamed on menopausal.

What HRT is she taking?

Thank you for this ❤️

Yeah, she has previously been on HRT patches but they made her so much worse so she stopped them we went to another appointment and they gave her NouvaRing been about 8 weeks on that now nothing really seems to have changed

Previously been on HRT patches but they made her so much worse so she’s now on NouvaRing

Oh really?

Yes we live together, we both work, 3 dogs together, joint bank account,

should also add I have a young daughter no complications with other families etc as I was SA.

Ms Hyde!

I did try write a letter to her pin pointing everything and I ended up just reading out what was in the letter but everything that I said, nothing has changed.

thank you so much for your reply ❤️

Run away now. You are too young to be dealing with this. She needs to get therapy and help without you by her side. If you stay you’ll always be her punching bag . Menopause that early isn’t common and sounds like it’s effected her.

Thanks for the update and so sorry that you are so committed and she doesn't appear to want to address the fact that everything is not only lop-sided but also that you are suffering because she's turned into a menopause hedgehog.

Also so sorry and incredibly sad to hear about the SA, that must have been truly and unbelievably awful, but you sound an incredibly loving person, so I am sure you are doing a great job bringing up your daughter in addition to shielding her from this as much as you can.

Yes the persistent Ms Hyde thing is not acceptable and the fact that you read your letter, from the heart, and then she did nothing is telling.

I am not even remotely a fan of ultimatums, they are often used in anger and never obtain their ends... but she doesn't seem to understand that her actions are in her own hands (despite the significant complications of menopause) and I think she does need to appreciate some consequences now.

I definitely think - as @mauvish mentioned - it is now all about boundaries. Protecting yourself and your child from the excesses of her behaviour. Making it abundantly clear that you need X, Y and Z to change otherwise you'll be making a timeline to extract yourself from the situation. No one needs to be a verbal or physical punchbag for other people's unhappiness, even if it does have roots in a medical issue, she also has free will, as do you.

Wishing you honestly all the best in the world, do keep us posted. I think you need to make a rational plan that you don't want to be in this position by X date and reverse engineer it from there. Maybe six months, maybe Christmas, maybe earlier, whatever you think you need and would be workable. But set your boundaries and your expectations and if they are met with further lack of action then plough ahead. It won't be easy, but sometimes the right things are not. Sending you love. X

Sounds like it's a her issue, not an HRT/Menopause one, then.

Stuff that.