Really worried about perimenopause badly affecting relationship with lovely DH

[menohnopausal]

I'm 48 and started lenzetto spray last July mostly due to stiff achiness. It seems to have helped quite a bit. However, around the same time as the achiness I was increasingly aware of shifts in my mood / temperament: increasingly impatient (with everyone) and less affectionate particularly with DH. My libido which has never been high, disappeared entirely. DIY orgasms became weak and disappointing. Don't even want to be cuddled.

I started testosterone back in October, and my orgasms have recuperated, but I still have NO desire to be touched, let alone have sex. In all honesty I've started to feel quite grossed out at the very thought of penises and sex. I mean, it's just too fricking weird when you think about it.

I've been with DH for nearly 30 years, and I honestly can't pin any of this on resentment / him not pulling weight, or any of the other understandable reasons I've read on similar threads. He's truly a gem: handsome, fit, clever, thoughtful, very funny, hardworking (at work and at home), never pressures me for sex (apart from making it clear that he's up for it if I am).

I'm starting to have awful intrusive thoughts that I'm just falling out of love with him and that there's nothing I can do about it. I don't actually think that's the case - it's more like by brain is coming up with a scenario that would be pretty disastrous.

I feel like I can't talk to DH about it, because it's so hard to describe what I'm feeling without it being really damaging, iykwim? I would be completely gutted to hear him say that he was worried about falling out of love with me (even if it was in "intrusive thought" territory.

Just for context, we've had a fairly intense few years: three teenagers, two with ADHD, moved house to a place that needs a shit ton of work. I'm also in the process of changing careers which is a bit of a head fuck.

I guess what I'd really really like is to hear some positive stories from people who have come out the other side of a similar temperament / mood shift. I just want to be back to being my usual affectionate self, and to feel like we're a solid team again.

Hopeful bump

I can't advise- sorry- but have you thought of seeing a therapist to explore your feelings?

They might be able to dig a bit deeper into what's going on.

As a by the way you say you are on Lenzetto spray- what are you using as the progestogen side of HRT? Just asking as some types can cause a lot of emotional ups and downs.

Peri gave me a real rollercoaster ride with libido. Sometimes up, sometimes not there.

Not sure I have any advice (I'm now on HRT) but I hear you.

My libido is currently rock bottom although it's breastfeeding that's the cause rather than peri. So I sympathise! The difference is I still adore non-sexual contact. Hugging my husband makes me melt. So since you don't like hugs anymore, do you think there might be more to it than just libido? Do you like hugging other people/ is it just your husband?

Re falling out of love with your husband. Try to separate love and lust? Lust is that 'in love's feeling, that heady rush that fades for a lot of people. While it's a nice perk, it is not vital for a happy marriage. What is vital is love. Love is prioritising each other, making time for each other, being kind and thoughtful and caring, and so on. You can't control lust, but you can control love (assuming both of you are making the effort). So falling out of love isn't something that can happen against your will. Love is an action.

Hi
I understand the low mood and unemotional feeling so well.
I’ve thought about leaving my lovely wonderful hardworking loving understanding husband so many times since peri (I was about 46 so 10 years ago-ish)
ive managed to work through it in my own way and recognise the feelings weren’t ‘real’ if you know what I mean?
i did a few things that I’d never done before to make me love myself again — Did couch2 5K for example. It was amazing for me (I am totally non sporty) and then he started it too, which actually brought us really close together again. A shared experience and closeness maybe?
I also had my HRT adjusted twice / now on transdermal oestrogen and bio identical progesterone. And I needed local oestrogen in my vag/vulva to feel like sex again. Orgasms were so crap :( and no feeling for sex at all.
I now feel a bit calmer about where we are in life and couldn’t imagine life without him.
BTW it sounds like you’re going through a LOT in life right now which is enough to put any woman off sex and affection. Changes really affect me and I am still a moody cow or will swear at the dishwasher or computer. Life gets in the way.
i am sort of out the other side with the love/not love thing now and physically desire him again. My orgasms are also good again :)
It really sounds like you’ve got a great partnership. It’s worth keeping together if you can x

My libido disappeared for years following childbirth, pnd and SSRIs. So, not menopause related but I hope they maybe my experiences can still be helpful.

Like you, I love my dh but had no desire for sex and even, sometimes, to be touched at all.

On one hand, I recognised that I needed time to myself quite regularly - time alone when no one was demanding anything of me, physically or mentally. We talked about how this could happen and made sure I had as much time as I needed, which was more time than before. It sounds like you’ve been through a huge amount of stress recently so perhaps something needs to change for you too?

on the other hand, I recognised that I wanted to stay in a relationship with dh and that sex is a really important part of that. It took a while, but we found ways to be intimate eventually. I focused on his experience (it was often not possible for me to orgasm, even if I wanted to) and we had lots of conversations about how that was ok for now (he felt really guilty about it)

and the last component was focussing on our emotional connection. We went on date nights where we only talked about our feelings, inspirations or ideas (not practicalities), and found ways to be silly and jokey with each other.

Over time, things improved.
i think we both had to give up the idea that things would ‘get back to normal’ and instead invent the new normal together

Try changing your hrt; there are so many types, each will absorb and affect you differently.

Thanks all!

@JinglingSpringbells yes, already seeing a therapist! This is one of the trickiest things I've worked through with her though. The shift in how I'm feeling is so disorientating. It's making me question the very foundations of my life and who I am! I just have this feeling of being taken hostage by my hormones :-(. I've got the mirena coil btw. Been using mirena for years and it works well for me.

@Pipplet it's the aversion to hugging that's really doing my head in! We've always been a very hand-holdy, cuddling in bed couple, so even when sex wasn't on the scene, we were "physical". It's so weird going out for a walk and not feeling the happy urge to hold his big paw!

@Jaq27 thank you so much for your post. You're describing an outcome I'm really hoping for, so it gives me a glimmer of hope! Interestingly running has been a huge part of DH and my relationship. I started running when I was about 35 and our "dates" and "romantic weekends away" mostly revolved around running adventures. DH has been struggling with a couple of injuries over the last 3 or so years, and I do think it's affected our "connectedness" :-(

@coldmilled that bit about "focusing on his experience" is really thought-provoking. I've been kind of doing that over the last year or so, but in the last six months, I've just felt too weirded out about sex. It's like I can't stop thinking about it as being all sort of fleshy and pokey and holey.

Anyway, I kind of feel a bit better just getting this all off my chest. Thanks again.