I’ve been struggling badly with menopause I started very early and it’s been an uphill struggle to get the right dosage.
Im concerned, along the way, this has damaged my relationship with my children.
Their Dad remains, after 12 years of separation very manipulative still.
I think this has unintentionally leaked out of me and family members and now my eldest feels let down by me, she’s staying at his and my little guy is on board with this too.
He did rape me one night and I stayed much longer than I should have, left built a whole new life and struggled to meet anyone decent since, I attract some odd ducks and it doesn’t last long.
Im still really bitter about the rape and how I didn’t call the police and how he tries along with his wife to turn them against me.
Everytime I stand up to him he turns them further against me. But my sadness over all this is leaking out and annoying my eldest.
Hes weaponised the step sister against them, my inability to meet anyone, child support, I’ve had to stop having it to get peace.
I don’t say anything to the kids about the finances, I’ve only told my eldest little bits about him because I was advised to by Live Fear Free and Woman’s Aid but worry listening to these people is damaging my relationship with my daughter.
it feels the only thing I have left is them for him to take and my sadness about him treating me badly has pushed them away. He stayed in the family home, because I didn’t want that fight at a time I needed my strength for a 4 month and 3 year old.
This is all made worse in my head by these bloody hormones and constantly having medical tests.
Im also autistic and recently diagnosed and went through a tough time after that.
I don’t know how to ask my daughter to cut me some slack and help her with how she feels and get through her GCSES because they are then told it’s all about me , or how one ever just gets over being mentally abused for years, raped and then having to gleefully co parent.
Ive had to parallel parent because we have different styles, he’s allowed underage drinking, dressing inappropriately for her age etc.
I’ve had lots of therapy but my autism hates injustice but I don’t want to affect my kids.
Ive done everything I can to chase up and get my hormones sorted, seeing GP again on Friday to get more anxiety medication and hoping this will help me let go and be who she needs me to be.
I don’t want my kids lives and emotions to be blighted by my experiences.
Im so desperate not to mess them up.
My hormones keep telling me they would just be better off without me because I can’t get over it all.
But also, if they don’t come back the relief that he can’t hurt me anymore seems like a beautiful release.
Am I just pathetic? I bought a new house, managed to build up a successful well paid career despite his actions.
But I’m on my knees now, is it time to just roll over and let them go if I’m so awful?
Hope that once my menopause and genetic testing is all over I’ll become someone fun again and they might like me and want to come back but I’ve come to love being at home and peace.
I know I’m not who I used to be, but trying to get two teens to do anything is hard. I took them everywhere when they were younger.
Especially when they are being told how useless I am if I forget something or am 5 minutes late (because the dog wouldn’t go in the house).
Im really not sure I’ve got the strength anymore to be who they need.
Think this latest show of manipulation has broken me at last.
Ive called social services for advice to put them first and asked school to keep an eye out fir them.
Does anyone know how I stop feeling so pathetic against my hormones. I’m constantly annoyed with myself.
Im off work because of the stress and feel I’ve let everyone down.
Ive asked for more sexual abuse therapy.
What else can I do to support my kids and help them see I’m a good person who is just unwell and trying hard without coming across pathetic?