How can I help my wife? Mental fog and terrified of losing her job

[NotASexBomb]

My wife is in her mid 30s but is already in menopause.
We have two kids and weren't planning on more.
She sees a private gynaecologist, is on hormone therapy, and has started therapy with a psychologist.

Despite all this, she often suffers from terrible mental fog, irritability and mood swings.
I want to be confident that our relationship will be able to survive all this, but the main concern at the moment (both hers and mine) is the impact it is having on her work, and the risk she may be fired or unable to work.

In your experience, is there anything specific a husband can do to support a wife in this situation?

Hers is the kind of specialised job that requires many years of studying and training; she does not put lives at risk (she's not a pilot or a surgeon) but she notices she's become sloppier and slower.

I noticed some rather severe mood swings (like totally losing her sh** accusing me of not having told her that I would have picked up her mum at the airport, while the Whatsapp chat proves I had told her) and I can only assume the detrimental impact if she does the same at work.

We have savings that would keep us going for a while if we lost our jobs, but for a while, not forever.
If she stopped working we would realistically have to sell the house and downsize to a smaller one and/or farther away, with all the complications of moving two primary school kids.

Another thing which worries me is how dependant on me she seems to be sometimes. She would burst out crying, hug me and beg me not to leave her because she absolutely needs me. This is not a behaviour I would have ever expected from the strong, confident woman I married. Please don't get me wrong: I love her to bits and want to do anything I can to support her; I'm just worried of the impact this vulnerability may have on her mental health, her work, and our family finances.

I have been doing more and more of what's required in the house, from physical tasks like cooking to admin tasks like taking care myself of all the bills insurance renewals etc, to try to limit her mental and physical load as much as possible.

I have been arranging our weekends to alternate between doing stuff all of us as a family, and leaving her some time to herself while I take the kids somewhere (e.g. her birthday gift was a weekend getaway with her sister, without me or the kids).

And I of course try to reassure her as much as possible that I love her, want to support her in any way I can, that it's just a phase and we'll overcome it etc etc.

But I'm afraid none of it is enough…

She says she sees no light at the end of the tunnel, that she doesn't know how she can keep working the 30ish years till retirement, that she feels useless etc etc

Brain fog is awful- I've had it. It makes you think that you are going mad. Where there should be recollections there is a blank sheet and no ability to even remember that you had a conversation, let alone what was spoken about. I used to have near photographic memory so it was a real shock not to be able to function.

It's pretty scary, especially if you don't know how / when it will stop.

It's key that she gets the right hormones to help.

It's key that she gets enough rest. That means quiet time, alone with no distractions or noise. Her brain needs to fully rest.

20 minute naps 2x a day are good (try the headspace app).

She needs an excellent diet with all the proper nutrition.

She needs strategies to manage lack of recall
At work - writing everything down, methodically
At home - having some sort of system to help plan to a detailed level and that is written down in one place. A bullet journal can be helpful.

From you as well as practical support she needs those hugs and reassurance that she isn't going mad, that she's not a 'patient' who needs looking after, but your wonderful, sexy, fun wife who you love even of her brain is a bit foggy right now. Be as normal as you can be.

She is in an acute stage right now and I would recommend that she does not make any big work decisions right now. Maybe she can be signed off for a month to give her time to rest, get properly treated and consolidate her life, emotions and thoughts.

If she's up for it, offer to attend some of the medical appointments with her and write down what they say. She may forget.

And send her unmunsnetty hugs from me, and tell her that if she wants to come on MN for help and support please do as we vipers can be lovely and helpful 😊

Just in terms of planning for the worst, maybe it might make sense to ensure in writing that her employer knows about her menopause? She told her line manager but there is no written record. (we are in the UK)

What I have in mind is ensuring that, should the employer fire or demote her, they cannot claim they didn't know about her menopause.

I don't see her joining social media, but is there any book / documentary / podcast / any other resources she might find helpful? Anything to explain that hers is just a medical condition that can be overcome and that she shouldn't feel so bad about it (although I'm not going to pretend I can imagine what it must be like to go through menopause, let alone so early).

Excellent advice ooooohnoooo! Nothing more to add except sounds like your doing great, OP.

She may be deficient, it may be hormonal or she may be overwhelmed.

When I had brain fog I hit it with iron, omega 3 fish oil, switched to coconut oil for cooking and took b complex.
I'm not sure which one or a combination worked but my brain seems a lot sharper now.

Anxiety can be a big issue during menopause. It certainly was for me.

It makes the brain fog much worse as you worry about forgetting stuff.

I am in HRT but also duloxetine for the anxiety. It has really helped.

I'm sorry this is happening.

Is her private menopause consultant well qualified?
Because the first thing that I thought was her HRT may need tweaking in some way.

There are some excellent private consultants but equally, there are a lot of doctors who've jumped on the menopause wagon and are not well-qualified, any more than the 'average' GP.

Many of the best consultants aren't 'in the media' or with flashy websites, but have been working as menopause consultants for decades.

So, I'd be making sure that whoever she is with, knows their stuff.

Because of some health-related work I've done, I have some insight into this . I'm happy to look at the qualifications of whoever she's seeing if you wanted to share with a private message.

One thing she might do is to join the Daisy Network. This is a national charity run by medical specialists, for women with POI (premature ovarian insufficiency.) They have a forum and an annual conference (in London, where menopause consultants give talks) and they also have more local support groups.https://www.daisynetwork.org/

She can engage and talk to other women, her age.

I have seen a menopause specialist and tweaking HRT is a good shout - have they done bloods to check levels? An antidepressant often helps too. Other advice which I found really helpful is:

Taking a decent menopause multi vitamin, magnesium and Fish oil.

Vigorous 20 min exercise most days (good walk at decent pace)

meditation

This has all helped me feel more me again.

With regards to work make sure it is in writing, if a big organisation ask if they have a menopause policy. Or for a referral to Occupation Health as a few tweaks may help her feel on top again.

The DaisyNetwork sounds great, thanks! I see the website lists the NHS clinics; do you also have a list of private consultants? I will mention this to her so that she can join if she feels like it

Menopause sucks OP, it's driving me batshit.

I started taking creatine for the brain fog with peri. Not all the time and you need to drink a ton of water but it did actually help. Not sure for full blown meno though. I keep my emotions in check a lot with weight training.

The British Menopause Society has a list of SPECIALISTS on their website. If you want to give your location (roughly) and how far she's willing to travel, I can point you (perhaps) in the right direction (by PM is possibly best.)

I have nothing to add. But she won’t feel like this forever.

Lots of excellent advice above. My place of work make reasonable adjustments for menopause so it may be worth her discussing it with her line manager or HR? Is she taking any supplements? I take a menopause daily vitamin, omega 3, vit D and black cohosh (magnesium) and that’s stopped most of my symptoms. I have improved my diet, do vigorous exercise 2-3 times a week and have cut my alcohol consumption down. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job supporting her.

So sorry for you and your wife, this sounds absolutely horrendous.

It sounds very extreme. Has she had tests for anything else, has your gp suggested a neuro referral?

Yes as others have said she could ask for hrt to be tweaked, access online support and perhaps suggest she has an official HR consult with her employers occupational health Dr to get this all documented so the right support in place but as I said don't rule out pushing for others tests to ensure there isn't anything else going on.

Would you be able to afford for her to take some unpaid parental leave (up to 4 weeks a year is allowed, in blocks of minimum 1 week). Might give her a chance to recover a bit and take some of the pressure off to stop the vicious circle of anxiety.

@minipie a few weeks or even months of unpaid leave would be absolutely fine for us financially. She doesn't want to do it because:

• she's terrified this would contribute to her manager writing her off as unreliable;
• even if she had the most supportive manager (she doesn't), taking too long a period off would hurt her chances of completing some important work she wants to complete this year; not completing it will not get her fired, but would hurt her chances of finding another job elsewhere

I see it as my job to support her in any way I can, but obviously the decision must be hers in the end. If I knew enough about these two points (eg if I did the same job) and I thought her conclusions were wrong, I would say it, but I don't.

@janiee We have ruled out neurological complications, but thank you for pointing out the possibility. There is no history of anything similar in her family.

@JinglingSpringbells I think that finding a consultant who specialises in early menopause might be wise. Her current gynaecologist was recommended by some friends, but she's not too happy with her as she seems to often dismiss her concerns and basically imply she just has to suck it up. Thank you for the links and material.

She needs an endocrinologist, not a gynaecologist, surely.

Get her Vitamin D levels checked by asking her GP, as low Vit D can cause brain fog

And re the parental leave: well, I guess it’s a question of the balancing the negative effects of taking the leave, with the possible much bigger negative effects of NOT taking leave - total health burn out for example, or some sort of major error which would be hard to come back from career wise.

Has she checked whether her company has a menopause policy? It's the kind of thing that isn't widely publicised unless you need to know IFSWIM. My employer has a largely female Senior Management Team and they champion it.

Reasonable adjustments include the ability to take breaks as required, making equipment such as desk fans available, having a quiet space if you feel overwhelmed, clear signposting to flexible working & sickness policies, counselling, support groups and chat forums etc. Many employers are aware of high profile cases linked towards protected characteristics.

Definitely agree about advising manager in writing, especially if her behaviour might be seen as more emotional or distressed then writing a calm,clear email would help

I totally empathise with the poor woman. My brain fog has been so bad at times, I started to worry I had early-onset dementia.

Agree with previous posters that getting on the right HRT regime and getting the right supplements is probably the biggest single thing she can do to help herself.

@NotASexBomb May I recommend you look at possibly consulting Dr Marie Gerval at The Menopause Consultancy (private menopause practice headed by Dr Tina Peers). She has a special interest in POI and was the chair of The Daisy Network. She has appointments available now via Whattsapp and video as she is currently not In the UK, but can certainly consult and prescribe (I enquired about possibly consulting her last week so this is how I know). Take a read of her profile with your wife and see what you both think. I hope this helps.

https://www.menopauseconsultancy.co.uk/the-team