How do I deal with the rage? I am absolutely horrible!

[PiningForTheMoon]

I’ve been on HRT for about 9 months after being shouty almost daily.

I saw an improvement in my mood relatively quickly and my memory and focus felt much better between 3 and 6 months.

I can feel the range creeping back though. Yesterday (day 2 of my period) I shouted a lot and threw things. This is not me.

As I was apologising to my kids this morning, I just got annoyed again and started getting shitty with them.

What can I do?

In general, my life is hard (single parent, 3 ND kids, financial struggles, ex is a twat, no support from parents) plus I’ve had a really busy period at work and been unwell for a few weeks.

Regardless, I need to feel more calm and less frustrated.

What are you on? Do you have medication reviews?

Thank you for responding @DustyLee123

I’m taking utrogestan (2 x 100g) on days 15 to 26 and 2 pumps of Oestrogel daily.

I’ll book a review in the new year but that feels like a long way off while I’m feeling like a monster.

I’ve been taking antidepressants for a few years (abusive marriage, shitty ongoing divorce), and they make me cope better and be less reactive.

I agree that menopause is a very difficult time with low mood and the rage.

But don’t forget you are going through an incredibly stressful period of time, and especially recently. You could just be reacting perfectly normally considering what’s going on.

I suggest you cut yourself some slack.

Thank you @Isheabastard I also take Sertraline and Mirtazapine.

I’m finding it difficult to accept that my life is so tough that my response is proportionate.

I am hard on myself, but whatever else is happening I need to be able to control my responses and not lose it with my kids.

While some of my situation is temporary, it seems I need some better strategies for coping.

I’ve got three hours left with my DC before they go to their dad.

I think I’ll prioritise a shower with some music and then a meditation to try and reset myself.

I’d be tempted to go up to 3 pumps, and keep a symptom diary for the review. Write down how you are now on 2, and how you are on 3.

Good idea @DustyLee123, I’ll start tonight. Thank you 🙏🏼

I found the rage came back after being on the gel for about 7 months, I've switched to patches and they seem much more agreeable and a steady release? Whatever it is the rage has now thankfully subsided for now

That’s interesting to know @CCSS15

I thought I was happy with my set up but it’s certainly worth considering alternatives.

I have found mirtazapine life changing but I have heard others saying it made them incredibly angry and they had to stop taking it. It might be worth a medication review. It is incredibly difficult to get the right balance when nobody seems to know the answer and the response is often 'wait a couple of months to see if it works'.

I am currently on the waiting list for the NHS CBT service but my employer offers a quicker service which I am starting after Christmas.

I think though we often set ourselves incredibly high standards - we have to be able to cope with all life throws at us whilst remaining calm and happy. We then make ourselves feel even worse by berating ourselves when we don't live up to our own unachievable standards.

I’m pleased to hear it’s working for you @lorisparkle. I’ve heard Mirtazapine is quite unpleasant to come off so I’m not keen to mess with that. My problem now is knowing what is and isn’t working for me, I’ll talk to my GP in January to see what they say.

I always seem to have something going on that means I can never just do the basics. I’m trying to declutter as my house is a tip and I think once that is sorted, things will be easier. But getting it sorted is not as easy as it seems.

I’m going to have a quiet January and focus on reviewing my meds and decluttering. Everything else can wait.

I could have written your post @PiningForTheMoon ! Absolute rage here too. Like you I’ve had a lot going on, and I’m not sure if it’s in response to dealing with all of that, or if it’s purely hormonal. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees. I get so annoyed with myself but unfortunately also with everything else I’m on patches only as I’ve got a coil, but think I will see about upping the dose in the New Year and getting more exercise. Solidarity.

@PiningForTheMoon it has been a terrible few months trying to work out what is wrong and what can help. I think the problem is what works for one person does not work for another. I think sertraline made me feel worse but my DH has found it is the best AD he has tried.

I am finding the hunger side effect hard to manage (especially with Christmas goodies lying around) but at least the horrendous dark intrusive thoughts have more or less disappeared. It all seems to be balancing pros and cons.

I hope you find what works for you soon

I have to say I’m beginning to wonder if the rage women get during menopause isn’t the opposite of what many women think it is. It isn’t a problem it is rather a pathway to a solution. I’m nearly certain that the hormone that dips was almost certainly masking that the woman was doing way, way too much before hand and the anger during menopause is that she needs to start slowing down because she is doing far too much.

I had to pare back my life and cut out an awful lot of stress before menopause due to circumstances. I am watching my friends, all part of the sandwich generation, all say about how they are struggling with rage but they are largely completely run off their feet with enormous responsibility. I wonder if that has anything to do with it.

@Lalalanding
So true.
It's like a parting of the veil.

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling similar @CrimpitsareforlifeandnotjustforChristmas. Thank you for sharing, Indo feel better know I’m not actually a terrible person.

As you say @lorisparkle, it’s difficult to know what to change and we all respond differently. Women are additionally complicated because of our hormonal fluctuations.

Im pleased to report I enjoyed some downtime after the DC left yesterday, couldn’t nap but watched some TV and wrapped some presents.

I definitely have a lot on plate @Lalalanding and very little support. Most days I’m winning at life and feel superhuman with everything I achieve. The problem is, I don’t have much of a buffer so when I’m not able to continue at that pace, the cracks appear quickly.

I’ve got a break between Jon’s in January so I’m going to look at this more closely and make some changes so I’m not constantly treading water. It is exhausting.

@PiningForTheMoon Well, thankfully Christmas is over with. In addition to the excellent rage, I seem to be enjoying the return of some smashing hot flushes and an inability to sleep. I am also grumpy and a real delight to be honest... I am going to try and channel my rage tomorrow into some decluttering. I hope you are faring better than me! Currently trying to sleep on the sofa using the cat as a furry stress ball.

I started using Testosterone for a low libido, and, whilst the libido hasn’t returned properly, I have found that my rage (and brain fog) has lessened considerably and I feel far more like myself and interested in doing things again.

It might not work for you but all of our hormones get out of whack so it might just be the thing to balance them if your doctor is prepared to prescribe it. You should have a blood test first to check levels and I have one every 3 months to monitor the effect. First time of prescribing, I overshot the recommended testosterone level so my GP said to stop and my rages returned, so, after another few months and another blood test showing me back at square 1, it was re-prescribed for me to use a lesser amount. 6 months on, I’m now within an acceptable range and generally calm and happy.

thank you ArtInsurance that’s good to know about testosterone. You’ve given me a bit of hope! My testosterone is bottom of the normal range (<0.4, normal range stops at 0.3)
Oestrogen levels are now good with HRT. I had been worried to take T, because my mood swings are terrible and I have a lot of challenges going on at home and work that I need to continue to meet. I had assumed T would make me feel more ragey not calmer. Sounds like it’s really worth a try though. I’m pretty desperate.

Yes, it seems counterintuitive but, for me, that’s worked. When I started, for the first few weeks, I was still angry but I remained quite articulate in that anger instead of incoherent and ranting but then it settled for me. I’m not saying I never get annoyed now but I’m much more back to how I was.

Good luck!