How do you and DH/DP cope with low libido?

[SilkieChick]

That's it really, I just need some advice. My libido has never been sky high but it's now falling off a cliff and it's taking its toll on our relationship. DH feels neglected/disappointed and I'm worried to the point it's making me anxious.

I'm 45, peri, been on HRT for about 5 months, currently on patches (75mcg) and Provera tablets. It's improving most other symptoms except this one and I need some hope that something is going to change and it'll get better.

I feel like the onus is on me to fix this. I know, there are two of us responsible for our relationship, but he's just sitting there good to go - always up for it - and I very rarely am, because of my stupid disappearing hormones, so what can I do, what can we do?

Have you asked about testosterone ?

So sorry you're feeling this way. Having done it myself I'd suggest going to GP and expressly stating low libido, and requesting a blood test to check your testosterone levels. If it comes back as low you can then ask for testosterone to be added into your HRT regime. You may have to battle for it but the low libido as a reason is something the NHS does in theory recognise as a reason to do the blood test.
Testogel sachets are what I use. It's been the biggest success in helping me feel ok again. In addition to helping with libido it's also helped me personally with restoring my mental sharpness and my day to day attitude towards life has improved too. I know it's not the same for everyone but for me personally it was the missing piece of HRT and I highly recommend giving it a shot.
Good luck x

Are you not having sex at all?

Or just you don't fancy it much?

Do you ever "give it a go"?

Sometimes I'm in the mood but quite often not. I'll say well ... I'm not feeling the urge, I'm feeling tired! DH will sometimes twinkle and say "hmmm I could fix that for you" and he is very skilful and before I know where I am I am very much in the mood! And enjoy it and am glad I didn't say no at the outset.

But not everyone works like that - you'd have to be comfortable together that you were giving it a roll but that if you really didn't get into it you'd stop.

My experience is that sex can be the last thing on my mind but within 15 mins I'm really into it - esp as he knows how to make me feel loved and relaxed first - and then excited 😜

Another way of putting it - does your DH understand that your libido works in a different way to his?

I feel exactly the same OP. I kind of feel I should end the relationship because I can't imagine ever feeling up for sex again and that's not fair on DP.
I can't work out how much of it is my hormones and how much of it is him (doing loads of things that annoy me so I'm permanently pissed off) or just us not being right for each other.

Resentment. Doesn’t make you feel sexy at all !

My libido has been up and down at times throughout my life, when it's low it's usually because things aren't great in the relationship, rater than a physical thing.

When I'm with a man I want, there are no issues.

Ask the GP for testosterone.

I haven't asked about testosterone - I've been waiting to see if the current HRT dose will improve things before adding another into the mix. I've mentioned it to the GP as a symptom but not really pushed it yet.

I do try and 'give it a go' as you say @BumpyaDaisyevna - it rarely works unless I'm vaguely in the mood, more often than not it's a bit half-hearted, so not very satisfying for either of us.

Those who are suggesting more fundamental relationship issues, I take that on board. I feel a good degree of annoyance with DH on a regular basis at the moment, although I put a lot of it down to low mood and irritability due to perimenopause...but it's probably also fair to say we're 20+ years into our marriage, in the middle of family and work life, teen DDs, and all the responsibilities of that and we're a bit crap at spending time together and communicating. So yeah, I suppose we're not exactly living our best married lives at the moment.

I feel like I'm already putting so much effort into trying to sort my health and my head through HRT, trying to start my own business (I lost my job earlier this year) and just generally keeping everyone fed and clothed that I'm just running out of energy to sort out this problem as well...

Now I feel bad for deprioritising my relationship but sometimes I just wish I didn't have to worry about it. Sex is genuinely the last thing on my mind after I've dealt with all of the above on a daily basis.

@SilkieChick I totally empathise.
Also 20 years into a relationship with OH, DD literally just gone to university, DS (15) at home draining us of all cash, I've got a painful fibroid, need to change job, no money spare and loads needs doing to the house . So, sex?? Not a hope!

@SilkieChick i really relate to that feeling that this is yet another problem for me to fix. I'd quite happily ignore this problem but DP is unhappy about it and I'm pretty sure he sees it as something I need to sort out rather than it being a joint problem.

Controversial opinion incoming- it’s a relatively new idea that couples together for 20 years should be “gagging for it” throughout that time. Maybe best not to see it as a big issue? I think most people go through phases of not getting what they would ideally want out of a relationship, overthinking it can make it less likely for things to go back to normal. By all means work on it for yourself if it bothers you, but focussing your energy on wanting it to satisfy him could end in resentment. Maybe try having fun in other ways for now so the pressure is off both of you