Menopause and shoplifting

JennyKat · 2023-09-06T15:30:10+00:00

I believe I maybe starting to be peri-menopausal. When I was a child, my mum was arrested several times for shoplifting and her defence was that she was going through the menopause. Her GP gave a statement to say she was menopausal and there had been studies around this behaviour. I'm terrified of turning out the same as her. It was a huge family scandal at the time. I don't know if the menopause defence was true or if she just got a kick from it. She's always refused to talk about it. Is this a "thing"?

Stroopwaffels · 06/09/2023 18:39

Well I have never shoplifted. But it does do some really weird things to your brain and decision making.

Having said that, if you feel that your decision making is going awry, or that you are mentally distressed in other ways, then you have options - HRT, lifestyle changes, stopping alcohol etc etc etc.

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 18:43

I think it's a time of your life when you can be feeling stifled and trapped and this could lead to feeling urges to be reckless or rock the boat... But I think it is psychological rather than hormonal, so suspect your own mid life journey will be specific to you and your personal circumstances at the time rather than a repeat of your mum's.

CarolFromBarol · 06/09/2023 18:44

I accidentally stole a newspaper when I was pregnant, I'd forgotten about it completely until I read your thread. Menopause probably isn't far away for me, now I'm worried lol.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/09/2023 18:50

Once or maybe twice forgetting a pair of £1 socks or a pint of milk when dealing with a wailing small child, possibly.

Multiple times? Nah, that was an excuse cooked up to avoid a criminal record.

If she wasn't on HRT (if it were true), then all you'd need to do is start it at the appropriate point before you find yourself absentmindedly stuffing expensive face cream and a large chicken down your knickers, wouldn't you?

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:55

Wow, that was an interesting defence! I used to shop lift at a point in my life that I was miserable. I was in an abusive relationship and felt so invisible. It made me feel like I existed for a moment. But that was when I was in my early 30s. I escaped, and funnily enough (is this funny, probably not, funny peculiar) I had a job working to deadlines and I really got some of the same feeling from working to the deadline. Mostly I get all my instructions sent but v occasionally one would be missed/not ready and it was like being 'caught' but you had the exhilaration of getting the bulk of them past the security guard
I hope nobody lambasts me for this, i was not in a good place. I lefft the abusive x.

So, I doubt you'll turn in to your mum. Do you feel invisible? Or do you feel seen and heard and like you matter?

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:57

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 18:43

I think it's a time of your life when you can be feeling stifled and trapped and this could lead to feeling urges to be reckless or rock the boat... But I think it is psychological rather than hormonal, so suspect your own mid life journey will be specific to you and your personal circumstances at the time rather than a repeat of your mum's.

Yes, I wasn't consciously aware of it, and although I was in my early 30s there was some unconscious fist shaking itself at the universe ''bring -about - c h a n g e''

AzureBlue99 · 06/09/2023 19:03

I am definitely more scatter brained, and in supermarkets the self service tills, noise, general busyness and trying to follow instructions makes me worse (not all the time), but never shoplifted! Ingenious excuse I think.

PimpMyFridge · 06/09/2023 19:08

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:55

Wow, that was an interesting defence! I used to shop lift at a point in my life that I was miserable. I was in an abusive relationship and felt so invisible. It made me feel like I existed for a moment. But that was when I was in my early 30s. I escaped, and funnily enough (is this funny, probably not, funny peculiar) I had a job working to deadlines and I really got some of the same feeling from working to the deadline. Mostly I get all my instructions sent but v occasionally one would be missed/not ready and it was like being 'caught' but you had the exhilaration of getting the bulk of them past the security guard
I hope nobody lambasts me for this, i was not in a good place. I lefft the abusive x.

So, I doubt you'll turn in to your mum. Do you feel invisible? Or do you feel seen and heard and like you matter?

Understandable.
Everyone needs to feel alive. There are legitimate ways to achieve that and illegitimate ways... constructive ways and destructive ways...
You've done well to escape your situation and find a suitable way to stay awake and essential.

Original poster

JennyKat · 06/09/2023 19:41

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 18:55

Wow, that was an interesting defence! I used to shop lift at a point in my life that I was miserable. I was in an abusive relationship and felt so invisible. It made me feel like I existed for a moment. But that was when I was in my early 30s. I escaped, and funnily enough (is this funny, probably not, funny peculiar) I had a job working to deadlines and I really got some of the same feeling from working to the deadline. Mostly I get all my instructions sent but v occasionally one would be missed/not ready and it was like being 'caught' but you had the exhilaration of getting the bulk of them past the security guard
I hope nobody lambasts me for this, i was not in a good place. I lefft the abusive x.

So, I doubt you'll turn in to your mum. Do you feel invisible? Or do you feel seen and heard and like you matter?

I am so sorry you went through that and so glad you escaped.

Mum was going through stuff at that point in her life. She told me she did it for me - because she wanted me to have nice snacks for my packed lunch - but she had enough money to buy them. She didn't need to steal them. I used feel pretty shitty that she used me as the reason privately but then I'm court (I wasn't present obviously I heard about it later) she blamed the menopause.

I remember being in my dancing class kit in a police station. She didn't come to collect me, and then eventually dad showed up and we had to go to the police station to collect her. Several times she didn't show up to school to collect me because she was 'detained'. I remember being given my dinner at the headteacher's house and feeling very worried.

It's just scaring me that I could turn into her. Thanks all for putting my mind at rest.

OP posts:

undermine · 06/09/2023 19:47

Health isn’t a defence for shoplifting but may be taken into account as mitigation. There’s a spectrum of punishment the police or court can administer. With mitigation they may decide a warning is appropriate vs any escalation such as a fine or prison time etc.

Menopause doesn’t cause shoplifting. It might impact your mood or personality but it won’t automatically turn someone into a law breaker. Your mum was just that way inclined, especially if she was arrested multiple times for the same thing. She would have been given a warning the first time but chose to ignore it.

Gothambutnotahamster · 06/09/2023 19:49

A long time ago, i used to type up pre-sentence reports for court (so the probation officers report for the judge to determine sentencing following a guilty verdict).

Every week there were multiple reports of women who were caught shoplifting and menopause was blamed in the report, so I don't actually think its that uncommon.

Raggammuffin · 06/09/2023 20:04

@JennyKat I can imagine the embarrassment of having been charged with shoplifting, it must have been so shameful. To claw back some dignity, she claimed that she was poorer than she was, making out that she did it so her child could eat. That does take away some of the shame but she's not facing the truth.

But I hear you, it wasn't the real reason. Sliced white pan and easy singles aren't unaffordable. So you still wonder Whyyyyyyyyyyy

It's hard to look inwards and ask oneself WHY did I take such a stupid risk???
I didn't ask myself that at the time. I guess I knew it gave me some buzz but it was only later I asked myself why did it give me a buzz, why did I need that buzz?

The fact that you're worried you'll do what your mum did makes me wonder if she passed on some of her lack of self-efficacy to you. You can trust that if you don't want to shop lift, you won't shop lift. But I can understand how a woman with a really low sense of self-efficacy might believe that she's powerless against ''fate'' or genes or nurture. And how that might have trickled down to you making you believe that you will like a lemming shoplift !! I really really doubt that you will!

Please do not worry. As another poster said, your psychology will be unique to you.

Wheresmemum · 09/09/2023 02:37

Could be a thing in that she may have forgotten, brain fog etc. Or if she was any anxiety/depression meds risky behaviour could be related to this. Just the fact that you're really aware of this means there's extremely minute chance of you doing something similar. My mum used to steal things all the time and she definitely wasn't menopausal when she did it, so she didn't even have that excuse! It used to be really embarrassing for us kids, especially when she got caught stealing bedding in a supermarket and the police were called! But because of her behaviour I'm super careful that I've paid for everything so that I haven't forgotten anything by mistake, I double check the trolley and keep very small items like make up in my hand until i get to the till so there's no chance of them being left in the trolley by mistake. Mothers eh 🙄🤷🏽‍♀️