Symptoms and lack of partner’s understanding

[Venu]

I have been going through the menopause for 2 years. I have experienced HUGE weight gain of 2 stone after always having a high metabolism and being a healthy weight. I had the usual night sweats but my problem is the anxiety and weight gain!

To be fair I have always worried a lot about things that never come to pass usually. I have overanalysed situations and have always needed lots of reassurance etc.

I am on HRT tablet’s Elleste 1mg. These tablets have helped. However, there are times when my anxiety is through the roof. For instance, I would usually worry about a job interview but now I can’t sleep, spend huge hours preparing when I don’t need do this much and wreck my life and my partners by working all weekend on it.

Another scenario was when I made a stupid mistake with my passport details when travelling back to see my parents in Australia. I was on holiday in the middle of nowhere with my partner and had to try to solve the problem with little phone reception etc. I was shaking, couldn’t think straight and was probably having a panic attack. Of course I would’ve been stressed normally but not to this extent!

My partner isn’t patient during these episodes and refuses to help me as he feels it is encouraging me to rely on him too much and be acopic. I also am so stressed and in panic mode that I often can’t listen to him. He eventually does help but he makes it worse by shouting that I need therapy and have mental health issues. The latest issue I had with my flight was so important to me as my parents are very elderly. I understand it must be frustrating having someone completely lose the plot and become repetitive etc. I stayed up all night trying to solve it and eventually did. He was so unhelpful when my phone died and he wouldn’t give me his phone to use etc straight away which only increases my stress levels. I had time to sort it out when we returned to London but I wanted to get it sorted asap knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did etc.

He had also been derogatory about my weight gain. I know I need to work harder on this for myself first and foremost but his lack of understanding is astounding and representative of men having no idea generally. If this happened to them the menopause would be given the air time and status it deserves. I’ve known so many women who have suffered badly and even had to give up well paid jobs.

My questions really are is there a good diet you would recommend for slow metabolism due to the menopause? Do I need another medication for high anxiety? How do I tackle my partner’s lack of empathy on this?

You can't make someone have empathy for you when they don't. This is not a lack of understanding of menopause or a general clueless men problem. This is a your partner is a problem.

You may need a higher dose of HRT or another type, or to adjust your progesterone. You may need anxiety meds on top because it was a pre existing problem for you. But there may be no drugs strong enough to allow you to continue such a nasty relationship with your sanity intact.

Menopause isn’t the main problem here, and you are not the problem. Your husband is the problem.

If you ask for this post to be moved to the relationship section then you might get some supportive responses to help you deal with your relationship with him.

Thanks for your responses! I have been with this person for 25 years! I think people would have a field day dissecting my relationship! No doubt he is on the spectrum. Asperger’s high functioning but empathy the main issue. I need to be more organised and bake time for flash points where I know I nag get stressed. Will look at medication changes and try a special diet for menopause.

Why are you adapting your behaviour to appease your DP? He sounds totally unsympathetic and quite frankly unkind. Surely anyone (let alone a DP) would be happy to lend their phone when trying to sort out a stressful admin problem in the middle of nowhere.

I must have put on three stone since we were married, nothing to do with menopause, just over eating, my DH has never, ever made a derogatory comment about it.
Get rid of your DP and I am pretty certain a lot of your issues would be resolved...

To be fair he did lend me his phone but his point was I could get it sorted in London. It turned out I could and could have saved 12 hours of stress. I do get into panic mode and as I said it is worse now with menopause symptoms. I asked him directly why we were being less intimate and he said because of my weight gain. It has been significant and not healthy. I was hurt but it wasn’t derogatory just hurtful tbh.

It's no wonder you have long standing anxiety if you've been dealing with that nonsense for 25 years.

You know my friends are very nice about him mostly! He is a very generous person in many ways such as amazing holidays and in practical ways. I am not faultless either. I’m not very nice about his challenging step son. I try to look at things from both sides but when I write things down it does sound bad at times!!!

The person above who suggested moving this to relationships is probably right. Whatever you decide to do about your HRT and anxiety you could do with more advice on your relationship than you're likely to get here. Or start a new post there.