The rage and young children

[brogueish]

Hi. I’m 46 and have been in peri for a few years I think, I recently started femoston 1/10 2.5 months ago. I also have a 5 year old who may be ND and can be challenging.

I really lost my temper with my DC today, I’ve never felt rage like it. I feel utterly awful now of course and I think we’re ok, but I wanted to ask if anyone else here has primary age children, and how on earth do you cope with the mood swings and remain a good parent? I feel like the worst mum in the world right now and I didn’t recognise myself in that moment. It was scary for both of us.

The rage was also like a mega hot flush that lasted about 15 minutes. I was bright red in the face for a full hour and had to change my top. Do rage and hot flushes often go together?

I have a prescription ready for femoston 2/10 in a few weeks and I hope that will help a bit. But any tips or suggestions for right now would be so very welcome. Irrational rage directed at other adults is bad enough, but at a young child is just unforgivable.

Thank you for reading.

I’m struggling with rage, perimenopause and teenagers so I can relate. I’m really interested in what Gabor Maté says about rage and internal family systems. If you get chance, have a look into it. I’ll send a link if I can find one.

@Teenhelp1234 thank you for the tip, I’ll look up Gabor Mate. There’s so much to learn. Teens must be tough too!

I think the rage here is just a natural reaction, that we have been socialised to not let ourselves feel, or mask. And menopause just throws away those shackles.

Just think about it, what would a mother fox do if its young was behaving in a way to incense it? Definitely react rather than try to hold it in. It's the natural reaction.

Maté draws a distinction between anger (good, healthy, provides a boundary eg fox example above) and rage.

He says something about anger being to do with the here and now, rage being to do with the past. I’m struggling to find a link but that’s from something I heard him say on the course of his that I’m studying at the moment.

Yes I have absolutely had this. I had to leave the house and go for a long walk.

When I get ragey it’s a sign for me to up my oestrogen. My GP was very sympathetic, it’s not unusual.

I did feel guilty for a bit but it has passed now, they came to no harm.

I’ve found this, which is a useful read because in this he’s describing how to do anger positively. It’s someone else’s website but quoting Maté.

https://james-cormack.com/2019/07/09/healthy-release-of-anger-other-emotions/

I can’t find anything in writing about rage being past ‘stuff’ but that’s definitely what he said and if I come across again what I heard on the course the other day I’ll transcribe it for you.

The combo of hormones and anger is certainly a heady mix in perimenopause. I’m sending you this stuff because I’m there too. I’m raging sometimes at my teenagers, wondering where the hell this rage is coming from, and trying my damndest to channel it in more positive ways for everyone’s sake. So I send out of solidarity with you, not from a position of superiority. The struggle is real 😅

I hope it helps. Xx

All the natural anger that comes from having our boundaries pushed hourly by children goes somewhere. Usually it's stored in our bodies, but can come out more easily during menopause

Thank you so much for the thoughtful and kind responses and@Teenhelp1234 for all the links, which I’m going to go through this evening. I was feeling so awful when I posted but you’ve all been lovely 💐

I had this and had settled now with oestrogen patches

Yes, you're not alone. It was the absolute rage I felt towards my young DS one day that made me go to the Dr's and demand HRT, after I'd been fobbed off with anti depressants a year earlier by a previous Dr to tackle my mood swings and hot flushes. Which I knew were due to peri menopause but I didn't have enough rage in me then to push for what I knew I needed.

I still have the occasional flash of rage now. I try to harness it and use it as my superpower. 😅

I got the most awful flashes of rage while in peri. I didn't realise that's what it was at the time, but peri started for me after I had DC2, and lasted for approx 7 years. So, essentially, most of my DC's little years. I feel dreadful about it in hindsight and I wonder how different family life would have been had I not been at that stage/ in that state while they were little 😥