Helping my wife

[MikeHB]

I've a little knowledge of perimenopause but, being who I am I've no personal experience of how my wife will be feeling, only what I observe. I try to be empathetic, absorb and understand what she's telling me. I've followed articles on women's health on Flipboard for the last few years before she only recently determined she's perimenopausal and try to educate myself with what is finally becoming something that should've had more attention since... the evolution of homo-sapiens. I know I'm making and going to make many more mistakes, but I'm asking for guidance from you who've experienced this.

We've three children, two teenagers and a younger child who thinks they're the same; this makes privacy and time to ourselves pretty much non-existent. I work full-time, around 50% at home the rest in the office. In my previous job I put far too much time into progressing my career to the benefit of only my boss and eventually to no-one, missing out on some very important events, but not too many as my ex-boss was a close friend and would be supportive in the best way he knew. My new employment respects my personal requirements, our family life and we've found the right work-life balance for me now. My wife has on her own volition, with me tagging along to help, achieved weight-loss for a period which enabled her to get assistance with surgery with the NHS to help with what you'd expect after us both being far overweight and she giving birth to three wonderful children. We both lost weight though, with the events from the last few years have gained some of it again.

I know reading random articles and seeking out advice is only a small part of what I should do, most of it is communication with my wife to find out what she needs but, could anyone advise with any hints and tips on what I should be observing and how I should be responding? Or any suggestions that would be helpful? She's in a constant apologetic state for the last couple of years and I want her to know she's not at fault, that she shouldn't need to feel guilty for anything, I'm not giving up with affirming her brilliance but she's not accepting my view that she's the most perfect person I could ever hope to know.

Anyway, I could write a whole lot more, but would be grateful for anyone who can share their experiences and how they've been able to ease the pain and manage for themselves, so at least I might have more confidence to help my wife further.

I've read your initial post like 3 times and am still not sure I understand what you're asking. Can you re-state what you'd like to know without paragraphs of ramble that, frankly, sound kinda condescending?

If you have been reading articles on Flipboard (whatever that is) for the past few years in anticipation (I guess) of your wife entering peri menopause and you also have an actual wife, with whom I would assume you can have an actual conversation, what's the question you haven't been able to find answers to?

I agree with what @Mummyford posted.

What do you actually need help with?
You can buy books on the menopause, albeit for women, but they will give you all the info you need on the symptoms your wife may (or may not) experience.

The best thing you can do is tell her you understand she may have days when she is tired, grumpy, not feeling her best. And step up your emotional support if she wants that.

I don't think you are being met with negativity @MikeHB but maybe confusion from those of us reading.

You are coming over as a little bit defensive and 'protesting too much' if anyone asks about your marriage, regardless of your wife's peri menopause.

As you say, this seems to be your problem not hers. As a by the way, are you in the UK ? (just picking up on a few phrases/ language in your posts.) Just asking as culturally, different countries have a different approach to menopause.

Here's a restart...

We have equity in our life which is varying but we always work towards it. I'm employed full-time and she works full-time at home with our family. I work and come home to share the work required while at home. We've never had much but made a lot through self-sufficiency and learning that which would otherwise charge us into further poverty. We share all our feelings, needs and wants at all times though I'm a rubbish communicator verbally - she understands that and we still get everything we need each other to understand understood and agreed and love each other very much. We have a fulfilling relationship and continue to do so, both bringing up our children with the best outcome we possibly can with what little we have.

A few years ago after starting new employment, I realised my wife was being more aggressively critical of how the work-life balance affected us a few years before, blaming me for not doing as much, being quite hurtful toward me. We've changed that already and I put as much effort in to our family life as I can now, my new employment helping with that and something we all benefit from. It did however, promote conversations with close friends who'd suspected as I had that, my wife was potentially living through perimenopause.

She is still undermined by family and friends who think she has all the time in the world to herself - I know she doesn't. She has emotional baggage thrown at her from older relatives and the pressures of privileged friends who have relatives to care for one or two much younger children every weekend and most evenings. She would be the first to point it out if I was undermining or being unsupportive. She has her low points and will sometimes use the past against me - I don't see it as a bad thing, I wasn't there when I should have been, I was working over 50 hours a week that really only ultimately befitted my boss and we eventually all lost our jobs anyway. She still supported me fully through that, despite my lacking presence and effort with our children. A small consolation was that it paid well, but ultimately, despite us believing it would lead to a more comfortable, more balanced life, it was a lie.

What I've learnt from many various sources is that experiences of perimenopause and menopause are confusing, very different, different personally, even contradicting and mostly, exhausting. My wife confirmed to me she is starting to go through it now.

After 22 years together and 19 years married, she has asked for support and I am trying as hard as I can to support her as best I can. With the information being sparse, dispersed, condensed, different, confusing and contradictory I am asking purely for our benefit, given that neither of us have experienced it and I certainly will never feel the same: for those who are experiencing of have experienced this, what are your experiences? what did you do to make it easier? what couldn't you cope with? what was missing? who made it better? what made it worse? who do you turn to? but the ultimate aim is to find out how best to support my wife in the best way I can.

@JinglingSpringbells , @Mummyford
Yes we're both born and live in the UK.

The moderators have redacted a number of posts, I would like them to reconsider since this is a natural progression of communication that has benefitted me - it has played on my mind for the last two days and made me more aware of what I'm doing, saying and realising things I've not noticed previously, I'm learning.

I'm sorry to have written something condescending and I'd like you to point it out so I can avoid it future. I apologise for over-reacting. I was only really being defensive of myself as one or two comments felt like a personal dig (though I will always passionately defend mine and my wife's relationship).

I'm sorry if your posts have been redacted. I've read back over the previous page and don't see any that have been moderated, so not sure exactly what you mean?

Having read your new post, I think my reaction remains the same: I really don't understand what it is you're asking.

If your wife is asking for your support, only she knows what she means by that, so as far as I can see, talking directly with her is the only thing that will be helpful. If the information you're receiving is, as you say, sparse, dispersed, condensed, different, confusing and contradictory, I think you are just going to get more of the same here. None of us are your wife, we will all have had, or be having, our own experience. And just being a woman doesn't qualify any of us to advise you on your wife, who sounds to have a very different existence than mine at least.

I will say that were my husband to spend his time making detailed posts about me and our relationship on Mumsnet instead of having a direct conversation with me, I would be very irritated indeed.

Just talk to her is the only useful advice I can offer.

@Mummyford there were a few posts that I remember responding to which are no longer there. Possibly before you saw them however, here are the questions again without the intro,

“for those who are experiencing or have experienced this, what are your experiences? what did you do to make it easier? what couldn't you cope with? what was missing? who made it better? what made it worse? who do you turn to?”

The removal thing is funny because when a post is removed, the space almost always (to the best of my knowledge) remains with a message saying, 'this post has been removed' and I'm not sure what would be so controversial on this thread that there would need to be deletions.

My point is still the same. You say above that the information you've been able to find is sparse, dispersed, condensed, different, confusing and contradictory and my belief is that this thread is only going to yield more of the same.

My story, for example, is that I had no symptoms or issues. Didn't gain weight, didn't have brain fog, didn't have mood issues. I worked, exercised, socialised, travelled, entertained, volunteered, did hobbies and had family time as always. When I hit menopause, I had some symptoms that I didn't care for and I went to the doctor and got a bioidentical HRT regimen that reversed the symptoms and I carried on as before. That isn't to say my life is perfect, but it is to say that it's different from your wife's, as is every other woman's, and the only real way to find useful answers is to talk directly with your wife.

And, again, if my husband had asked strangers rather than speaking directly with me, and/or expecting me to figure out what I needed, I would have felt extremely condescended to and diminished. Your wife is a grownup. Ask her what she needs and respect her enough to assume she's fully capable of figuring it out. If you don't think that, or it's not the case that she can advocate for herself, I would gently suggest that therapy or couples counselling might be of more use than a random collection of strangers' experiences.

@MikeHB I don't think your posts or any replies have been edited or deleted.

If MNHQ do this, there is always a post from them (in blue) saying they have deleted posts for breaking guidelines.

We share all our feelings, needs and wants at all times though I'm a rubbish communicator verbally

It's interesting @MikeHB how you are able to post at length here but not able to communicate with your wife.

How are you with communicating verbally at work ?

I'm as confused as @Mummyford .

The main point of your posts seems to be how your wife comes in for criticism from her family/ your family for being a stay at home mum (SAHM). And how there has been an imbalance in your relationship because of this.

But how does this have anything to do with her menopause symptoms?

After 22 years together and 19 years married, she has asked for support and I am trying as hard as I can to support her as best I can.

What has she actually said? What does she mean by 'support'?
Does she mean you need to accept she may be moody or short-tempered? Not in the mood for intimacy? Feeling low?

Is she telling you what she needs and wants but you don't appear to be listening or understanding?

If we were to reverse your thread and she was posting here about you, what would she say?

“for those who are experiencing or have experienced this, what are your experiences?

what did you do to make it easier?
what couldn't you cope with?*
what was missing?
who made it better?
what made it worse?
who do you turn to?”

A lot depends on how old your wife is and how far she is into peri menopause.
You say you have been together for 22 years. I guess she's anywhere from mid 40s to 50 perhaps?

What are her symptoms? Does she talk about them?

My own experience was I didn't have many symptoms until early 50s. I had a healthy lifestyle, eating healthily and exercising. I also retrained around this time (I was already self employed) and was in control of how much work I was doing.

The worst symptoms were hot flushes and night sweats.

I started HRT, through a specialist, when it became clear that my sleep and quality of life was suffering. I was fortunate to find a type that suited me without chopping and changing.

Obviously this is only my experience and as @Mummyford posted, all women are different.

Talk to your wife.

TBH the biggest issue seems to be - based on your posts- that you find communicating verbally with her. She's the one to help you understand what she needs.

I still don't understand what the problem is or if your wife perceives there to be a problem.

I don't understand, if everything is so good in your relationship, what the problem is and why you are so concerned with the menopause.

To answer your questions
what are your experiences? - menopause was just a stage of my life. Very luckily it caused me few problems mentally or physically.

what did you do to make it easier? - I lead a healthy lifestyle and continued to live my normal life.

what couldn't you cope with? - Nothing

what was missing? - Nothing.

who made it better? - Nothing needed to.

what made it worse? - Nothing

who do you turn to? - I didn't need to, but if I had I would have asked my husband, family, friends and GP for the help I needed.

I'm mortified it's assumed there is a problem at all, that I'm in some way trying to fix something, or that I haven't been speaking with my wife. There is nothing wrong here, I'm just trying to learn. I hadn't realised until a couple of days ago that this is what's been thought. It's creepy and has made me feel quite sick. My problem is not communicating verbally, I just don't do it much and need to speak more. I'm not asking strangers behind my wife's back and I feel I have a right to be defensive when people think like that. I'd rather not continue this.

But thank you for those who've posted replies, I have learnt something useful.

Well that was all utterly peculiar but I wish you well Mike.

@MikeHB Do you think you might be being a bit overly emotional to write things like 'mortified' 'creepy' and 'feel sick' simply because a few posters have said they are struggling to understand what it is you need help with?

My problem is not communicating verbally, I just don't do it much and need to speak more.

Can you say, very simply, how this has anything to do with menopause?

You've not written one word about what her symptoms are.

You have written 'essays' about things that are totally unrelated to peri menopause, that are happening in your marriage and your work history.

It is very hard to know what you want from your thread.

I'm not asking strangers behind my wife's back and I feel I have a right to be defensive when people think like that.

Really?
Has your wife read your posts?

Hi there, I'm a little confused at the repossess you've received but I'll just focus on your posts @MikeHB and what you're asking.

“for those who are experiencing or have experienced this, what are your experiences? what did you do to make it easier? what couldn't you cope with? what was missing? who made it better? what made it worse? who do you turn to?”

My main feeling is tiredness and frustration, less so now I have learnt more about what is happening to my body. I hate that I have not been able to keep up our lifestyle, which was active and doing lots all the time. I feel my husband has had to do more to help me and I feel bad about it when I am feeling low. When I am in a good space I understand that's what marriage is and I can't help it and he knows it. But it helps he reminds me when I am having a low energy day that he understands what's happening, this is a temporary change in my body and part of a good relationship is being there to pick up some of the load when your partner can't. Because this stage of our life takes years, if you have symptoms it can be a long slog and it's frustrating, makes me feel old and less attractive. These types of feelings aren't there all the time of course but are something I have to work through. I can;t cope as much with being social, I used to have dinner parties and lots of guests and I just don't want to put the energy I have into taking care of other people at the moment. So the way my husband helps is to accept that we have less people around, which he happens to like! When we are out and suddenly I am tired or hot and need to go home, there's never a question or issue, even if there are other errands or whatever, he'll take me straight home and make me something to eat or get a fan... that sort of thing seems small but it helps. I do bang on a bit about how I feel and he listens, without offering an immediate solution unless I ask for one or its something like I am too hot.

Sometimes men can feel like they need to solve everything, so knowing when to listen and comfort and when to actually do something, is really important at this stage.

I understand your posts so I am not sure what the hard time the posters are giving you is about. You are a man trying to understand if he is doing all he can for his wife and maybe your writing style is different to some but I think its clear you care, have a good relationship, but want to make sure theres nothing you're missing or there isn't a way you could do more. Men can feel useless at this time of a woman's life, confused and probably really lacking in knowledge. I support any partner who wants to understand more. The newson clinic has a lot of fact sheets and will cover symptoms a bit more. You can also, if you can afford it, see them privately for menopause treatment, like HRT, the NHS is hopeless but improving. Maybe look into that with your wife. Its helped me and I would struggle without it.

This past month I have had increased health anxiety and cried a lot more than normal- I am on HRT but I still get occasional bouts of tears and things especially if I have a doctors appointment or tests I hate. My DH came home with a sweet gift and a card that simply said, 'lean on me, I got you, you'll be ok'. That is small but meant a lot.

@JinglingSpringbells lighten up on him, geez! you may not intend to but you're coming off aggressive and rude.

Your posts are very strange. How does it help you to know, for example, who I turn to? If I answer 'my next door neighbour,' how has this answer helped you?

You sound very thoughtful op. I'd maybe ask for this to be moved to the relationships board as it isn't a specific meno query and you may get more help and support.