Withdrawing from things

[Orangesandlemons77]

I'm 46. Stuck in the sandwich age of having elderly parents and teens.

Feeling like I can't deal with either. Or DH at times. Just want to hide / escape. Keep dreaming of a cottage by the sea just me.

Maybe it is just a kind of burnout from caregiving. I'm not sure. People just seem to need me all the time and it has been going on for years and now seems to be intensifying.

Feels a bit like the elderly parents / in laws can sometimes behaving like children at times and this is getting more so just as my own children are becoming more independent!

Can you access home help for the older generation?

Are there others to share the caring duties?

Get selfish, put your own needs first.

I can relate. I have a teenager with SEND who needs more help and a husband who’s not very domesticated. I don’t have the ageing parents though. I realise I have been poor at setting boundaries/asserting my needs and now I’m feeling very similar to you but when things need doing they need doing.

I'm a decade older than you with the same issues! I too dream of running away from the lot of them.

I have got much better at just saying, "No. I don't have time to do that" or saying, 'You'll need to pay someone". I still work full time and have very little time for myself - and parents are comfortably off and can afford it. The last suggestion from my mother was that I wallpapered their bedroom 'when I had time'.

I don't have time. Or inclination. It would leave me buggered.

I wonder if this is a natural part of letting go or something- maybe it forces others to be more independent if you are just not available.

I wonder sometimes about going to one of those retreats, where you just meditate and do yoga and eat healthy foods

Why have you posted this in the menopause section? A genuine question - do you really attribute how you feel to being menopausal?

Are you working? If not, perhaps you could look to do something, or volunteering, which is about you as well as getting you out of the house and making you unavailable.

How much of this is you being a bit of a martyr? I don't mean to be mean saying that, but I have a friend who is in this situation (albeit older than you, and her sandwich is elderly parents and grandchildren), and a lot of it is really of her own making - refusing to say 'no', for example, when others could (and don't!) easily help.

And why not find a retreat and go to one?! Or go away for a few days on your own. If your children are teens, then they really don't need you around all the time.

There’s been other threads on this subject, and it’s been described as losing all your fucks. Ie. You just don’t give a fuck any more.

I do think it’s natures way. Your child bearing and raising days are over. It’s now time to catch some wind and sail your boat where you will. Taking the Dh is optional.

Hundreds of years ago the elderly parents wouldn’t have lived as long as they do now. I say this as someone who is nearly an elderly parent.

For a start you don't have to do anything for elderly inlaws. I'm in a similar situation and I'm only doing what I feel within my means for a mum who won't help herself. Pil are 100% not my issue and I will help with dh with them as much as he would help with my mum. No more, firm line there I'm not interested in.

I'm a similar age and recognise this. I don't care for my parents in the formal sense but my mum has cancer and they both need some emotional support.

I had a shitty time with my last job and am now self-employed so I have no one to answer to, but still feel on the edge of burn out. The smallest thing can tip me over into feeling like I am not coping.

I am not sure why I posted here maybe it was because I wondered if it was something related to hormone changes / life stage.

I don't feel I could go to a retreat right now as have a DS doing a levels, but maybe after he finishes. And DH on the 2WW for suspected cancer as well.

MIL is quite dependant on me as FIL died during lockdown at the same time SIL was sadly bereaved too.

At the same time my dad was diagnosed with dementia so yes it all has been a lot.

For the people who can't say no, it's not martyrdom, it's being conditioned to not being allowed an opinion, to being the female support person with no value for herself. It's conditioning rather than a choice.

I think it’s a menopause thing , withdrawing is on the list of symptoms. It’s knocked me a bit and I’m just happy to do my thing. I do feel disengaged which probably isn’t good but I don’t think anyone really notices . I can’t even summon up much enthusiasm for our family holiday - it’s a big one but I am in two minds to leave them to it. I have grown up children (youngest doing A levels) so they are quite capable of living their own lives.

I'm similar to you except I have young children and elderly parents. I'm.50 soon and my youngest is 5. I started HRT for my peri symptoms at 47, so.its something you could consider. Also I say no to most requests for help. I suggest solutions that don't involve my input. Unless of course it's serious.

It just sounds like you could be quite understandably utterly overwhelmed by life at the moment @Orangesandlemons77 with so much on your plate. I'm similarly feeling overwhelmed but for different reasons, I just find sitting in my greenhouse helps! Not quite a cottage by the sea with a dog (which sounds lovely) but just a quiet and cosy place to just get away sometimes and just quietly be.