How To Deal With Possible Menopause Anger Issues

[Witsend111]

We’ve been married 20 years, with 14 and 16 year old boys. Over the past couple of years my wife has become much more easily annoyed. The kids aren’t bad at all, both doing OK at school and doing well at sport, neither ever getting into trouble. My wife has particularly got an issue with the eldest and is constantly picking at him. Part of the issue is that he’s good at a sport that she likes but he prefers another sport, which she doesn’t. Unfortunately I don’t drive and my wife uses this for a lot of control, refusing to drive him the 20 minutes to team training for his sport, so we end up struggling to arrange lifts or sorting out bus schedules that can leave him hanging around for an hour at a time.

Her other issue is with school work and she insists that he does homework and revision until 9pm each night before going to bed at 10pm. She takes his phone and PC controller until he comes for them at 9pm and even then queries why he can’t do some more, which he understandably gets a bit annoyed about. We’re on the run-up to his GCSEs now and she thinks that he should be doing 12 hours revision a day, 7 days a week. I have reined that in a bit but she’s obviously not that happy about that and is constantly pushing him to do more. He’s allowed to go to see his girlfriend once a week but if he goes to her house my wife inevitably ends up fighting about picking him up and most of the time the girlfriend’s parents end up dropping him off.

There are times when he does things that are a bit annoying and it’s fair that he’s picked up on them but sometime the response is over the top and his phone was confiscated for leaving the light on. He does tend to be a bit oblivious to his surroundings and doesn’t notice that his clothes are lying all over the place. I get that this can be annoying and it’s right that we pull him up on it, it’s just that it can literally lead to screaming and shouting for an hour at a time. Everything is an opportunity for criticism; too much ketchup, wrong socks, wrong trainers, shoes in wrong place, wrong attitude, etc. He doesn’t like much breakfast and every morning she harasses him to eat more, a couple of times ending up with her throwing food at him. She’s stopped the car at the side of the road and thrown him out onto the verge because she’s been annoyed with him (letting him back in after a few minutes). Both kids get fed up with this and start talking back. I’m trying to explain to them that it’s better not to get into an argument about silly things but teenage hormones can also be a pain.

Recently the eldest wanted to sleep over at a friend’s and wasn’t allowed. My wife said that she’d pick him up though and he asked if she’d be able to drop off a couple of friends on the way back. This was a big issue, as it was viewed as treating her as a taxi and she screamed on and off for most of the day, with us eventually arranging for him to get a lift instead, which became a separate problem. For a while now she’s refused to wash or iron his clothes and I get grief when I do it. She also sometimes refuses to cook for him but I do most of the cooking, so that’s not too big a deal. She’s also now refused to give him a lift to anything at all. When he’s made his own food she’s taken it off him, saying that it’s hers, she won’t let him use the main shower in the house and now she’s started hiding the remotes for the TV when she goes out. Basically, she’s trying to assert control in every way possible. When we’re out in front of other people the kids are the best thing ever and she’s so proud of them but in the car home she’ll likely pick another fight.

I’ve been convinced that she’s been menopausal for the past four years and she’s now mid 50’s. When I’ve tried to raise it she’s got very annoyed. She’s convinced that there’s nothing wrong and I’m only raising it because we’ve been in separate beds for that time and that’s all that’s bothering me. She did eventually go to the doctor to get HRT but, from what I understand, she said that her only problem was that she couldn’t sleep well and when I looked up the meds that looks to be what they were for.

I’ve read comments where a few people have said that menopause meant that they simply stood up for themselves and that it’s everyone else who’s in the wrong and I’d say that she’s definitely in that position at the moment. I’m sure we can all do things to improve the situation but it’s difficult when everything is an argument from the outset. Most of the time I don’t respond when she starts shouting at me, because I do think that it’s mainly hormones, but I know that I’m starting to lose patience. I never relax when she’s in the house as I’m just waiting for the next eruption. I can’t remember the last time that the kids left the house for school without her picking a fight with one of them. I get them out of bed in the morning and try to keep them out of her way but the only quiet mornings are the ones where she stays in bed and ignores us.

Do things eventually get better without HRT? I’m at a loss at the moment and just try to stay out of her way. I could take the eldest and go but that wouldn’t be fair on the youngest, who bears the brunt when the eldest isn’t around. How has this played out for others who’ve been menopausal or been in a relationship with someone who was?

Sorry to go on, just feels good to air everything.

I'm sorry I don't have much advice.

All I have to say is that I've seen a similar situation with my mum and brother. She would get at him for the tiniest things.

After a huge argument and my brother packing his bags to leave, I sat down with the both of them and tried to explain each other's point of view.

Things are calmer in the house for now, but I don't know how long it'll last.

I don't live at home anymore so I don't see everything that happens. I just advocate for my brother when he needs me to.

Luckily my mum does listen to me, so simply talking to her helped.

OP, the menopause can be a very difficult experience for women and having had a rough time myself there were moments when everything/everybody annoyed me.

What you are describing is on the absolute very extreme end of that and IMO has spilled over into your wife being an absolute controlling bully that must be causing your children a lot of stress.

Her behaviour is a bit abusive and I think you need to sit down with her and have a frank chat about it.

Undoubtedly this will be really negatively affecting the children and as they get older I think you both could have huge blowback from this.

These are the types of behaviour and home life that drive children away.

I bet they already prefer their friends houses.

Also, should your children choose to speak to a teacher or someone about her behaviour, throwing food at them etc., you could well have SS at your door.

I think you should talk to your GP and perhaps ring the Domestic abuse phone numbers for a chat.

Hopefully armed with so advice from them you can tackle this.

It does sound dreadful and your priority should be to protect your children.

Speak to your children.
Ask them how they feel and would they like to live separately from her.

If they answer yes, then you need to explain how serious things have got and she needs to get help.

You not driving must be a huge extra pressure on her and if there isn't a damn good reason why you don't, then I think that is both selfish and unreasonable.

I hope the work load is shared in the house, because if it's not, this can drive even the calmest women really mad.

Your wife sounds like a nightmare, OP.
Your son is 16 and she treats him like that? Eek.

Was she actually a completely different person 4+ years ago?

To be honest, there is so much to unpack here and my suggestion would be you consider couples' counselling, or counselling for yourself.

I assume your wife won't choose the former, where a neutral 3rd party discusses your relationship, but you might find it helpful to have that support yourself.

The issue seems to be a lack of communication between you so you don't even know if she is using HRT or sleeping tablets. Certainly, no one is supposed to use sleeping tablets long term as they are addictive. Most GPs would give them for 3-4 days over a crisis.

Why don't you drive? Do you think that over the years your wife has become resentful of that and how she has to be the one to do all the taxiing?
Is this something you are willing to change? If you were to separate it's a life skill you really do need.

Thanks Billy, I get your point with the driving. I never drove and have some vision issues, can't really see out of right eye at the moment and it can be generally problematic, although doesn't really stop me doing anything else.

I work 40 to 50 hours a week, and pick up my fair share of household tasks. I do at least half the cooking (actually cooking from scratch a lot rather than just sticking something in the oven). I do all the online food ordering and put it all away, do most of the washing up, bathroom cleaning, emptying bins, DIY, etc. My wife works 5 or 6 hours a week and mainly does washing and ironing (I do this when she stops). I have no issue with that, and it's fine, just didn't want you to think that she was annoyed because I did nothing, which I would understand.

In terms of driving, she mainly takes them to sports things that she'd go to anyway or to places that she wants them to go. The eldest always gets the bus to his girlfriends and I reckon she takes the kids to their events maybe 2 or 3 times a month, so not really a taxi service in my mind. I have to fly with work every few weeks and I tend to get the bus to the airport.

I have talked through the kids about the concept of the menopause and also how their own hormones can impact them. The eldest simply doesn't like her now but is good at shrugging off what she does. The youngest is a bit more sensitive though and I find that I need to step in for him more. She can be very erratic, which is understandable if it's hormones, and can be very jolly and friendly with them one minute and bite their heads off the next, which adds to their confusion. I was hoping I could simply act as peacemaker until things settled down, but it's getting to be a bit more of a struggle than I'd hoped!!

Following your update.

Frankly, @Witsend111 your wife's behaviour is abusive and bullying. instead of being a peacemaker, you need to call her out on how she is behaving especially towards your children. It is totally unacceptable.

It's pointless labelling it as 'menopause'. This doesn't give her an excuse.
If it IS the menopause, she should get medical help. (It's unclear if she did start HRT and gave up on it or not.)

You need to talk to her, by sitting down and having a conversation about her behaviour.

Your sons are being subjected to emotional abuse and sooner or later something will 'give'.

If you, as an adult, choose to live like this with her, that's one thing.
Subjecting children to this anger and erratic behaviour is another, and as their father you need to take control.

I have the impression you all regard her as tyrannical, but accept it as being 'hormonal'.

If it is, there is effective treatment.

I don't think it is too extreme to say you cannot live like this any more and your marriage is over unless she accepts her behaviour as wrong and gets help - either through therapy for anger management, medical help, or both.

As for your not driving- it's not clear if you can't (at all-ever) and are barred because of your vision, or you have chosen not to. If it's the latter, maybe it's time for a re-think.

Agree with @JinglingSpringbells your wife is emotionally abusive and your dc need protecting from her crazy outbursts or they will have issues for the rest of their lives.

Talk to her, tell her the controlling behaviour and bullying has to stop.

Honestly peri and meno can of course be a challenge but this is far more than that.

I too agree with both @JinglingSpringbells and @Janiie thay following your update I would say your eldest is half way out the door as irreparable damage has and is being done.

Your youngest being a sensitive soul will suffer anxiety, depression and the likes of CPTSD because of what you are describing.

I'm no medic, but prolonged exposure to such an erratic stressful environment is really terribly damaging.

How long has this been going on?

How changed is your wife by menopause from her earlier self.

I have known a few friends to have thought they were loosing their minds between the stress of work and managing their symptoms and exhaustion through lack of sleep.

Your wife is not working outside the home and you mention hour long tirades, ordering the children to leave the car, refusing to wash, cook and allowing him to shower.

This is all absolutely abusive and she is reading as a deranged house terrorist.

I think this is very serious and you are clearly unable to protect them, particularly as you travel at times.

Have you family that can help?

You need to talk to your wife without the children around and tell her that things have become too serious and that it is your intention to seek support outside the home.

I feel very very sorry for her, she really sounds unwell but your children are paying a terrible price and this can no longer continue.

It has gone on long enough.

'Your youngest being a sensitive soul will suffer anxiety, depression and the likes of CPTSD because of what you are describing.'

Exactly this. This thread is really quite disturbing to read, not sure if you've been so coerced that you actually do believe it is hormonal related. It isn't. It is abuse. If a man was shouting and screaming at their kids all day we'd tell their dp to run a mile. You may be able to tolerate her abuse but the dc shouldn't have to.

We are responsible for our kids physical and mental wellbeing, they are being absolutely let down by both of you. You really must make serious changes now.

I should have written MAY suffer, but the truth is it is very very rare for children to escape a home environment like the OP describes with out irreparable damage.

It may even take a while to identify but it often presents as low level depression that comes out of nowhere, anxiety, procrastination, difficulties in college, weed experimentation and other drugs, abusing alcohol, self harming,......the list is long and even the brightest children can have their education and futures totally derailed because of an abusive parent.

@Janiie is correct, your boys are being let down by you both and if it was a man behaving this way I would absolutely be telling you to call the police when she becomes violent...throwing food at your child is violent, and get her removed from the house.

I am menopausal and have the rage but it only happens a few days a minute nth and I take myself out the situation so that I don't shout at the kids.

The constant criticism is really concerning,I grew up with a hypercritical mother and I have self esteem issues to this day,I'm 51.

I'd be really worried about the damage she is doing to your kids. She certainly isn't holding back or controlling herself at all.

What is she like to you? Do you get the same treatment?

I think it's too simplistic to blame the menopause,I think she sounds like a horrible,damaging mother and I wouldn't want my kids exposed to her. Does she bring anything positive to the family. Please don't let her do this to your kids it's awful xx good luck x

I doubt this has much to do with menopause.

It's abusive and I suspect the kids and you would be happier without her.

The kids will likely blame you when they're older for allowing any of this so you need to think long term about your relationship with them.

She needs to get a job and live alone if she finds mothering so distasteful

Few days a month

I see the ages of your boys,in a few years they will leave home and what will you be left with?

As @Shoelacesundone says they will blame you for not protecting them so despite the fact you aren't abusing them by allowing it to continue they will view you as complicit.

You are already in separate beds and I doubt you love or respect this woman. I'd look at getting out getting your own peaceful home to act as a sanctuary for you and the few years left you have the boys at home.

You and the boys deserve better than living with this angry,raging woman, whatever the reason for her rage it is inexcusable to abuse your eldest the way she does. I hope you find a way forward as you sound a lovely,considerate man x

Shit that sounds awful absolutely miserable. And abusive, you need to protect your children from her. How long until the screaming becomes hitting? How long until one of your children confides to a trusted teacher who will report the abuse to social services?

I'm menopausal and it's affected every area of my life, including becoming so angry I could scream, it can be debilitating, but it isn't an excuse for being abusive.

Please protect your children from her, please be the parent in their corner. They need you to step up and kick her out. Show them this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated.

Thanks for all the messages. I'd originally typed this just as an outlet and didn't really expect much of a response. What I'm now beginning to realise is that you can lose sight of what's normal when things change gradually over a period of time and you have no other reference points. I have no real family left on my side and moved to where my wife lives, so have no old friends remotely near. I'm also not normally the type to moan about things to other people (this is a first!).

There was a time when things were much better. She was very supportive of the kids and would help with schoolwork and take them to lots of running events. We've been lucky enough to do big holidays and travelled around the world with no problems and had good times. Even now I'll get a week where she's perfectly fine and there are no issues. I now realise that I tend to 'manage' her a bit and close things down if I see an issue and change the subject if the kids are saying something that she's going to take exception to. Even now she's been spending lots of her time learning some of the GCSE subjects to create notes and help with revision. After the latest flareup she ripped up the notes and has said that she'll never help again.

The throwing food and forcing out of the car are the real extremes and have only happened when I wasn't there. When she starts on them now I step in and tell her that she has to calm down, which at least diverts her from them but means that I get accused of undermining her. I've always had good relationships with the kids and we'd walk a lot and chat about stuff. Both still come straight in to talk when they come home and I always chat with the youngest if there's been an issue with his mum, just to make sure he's OK.

I pretty much avoided my wife most of the day today but then mentioned to her that the eldest was getting dropped off late. This started an absolute meltdown and I very calmly said that she needed to speak to somebody about some of the anger issues with menopause. I got a full-on tirade that all the issues were of my making and that I needed to force the eldest into line. She told me never to speak to her again and slammed the door but came back a few minutes later to start again. I just raised the anger issue again and said that we needed to get some help. I think that this is going to be my tack now, just press that point home and not get dragged into any other arguments and step in quicker when she has a go at the kids.

It seems like a stupid thing to say but she would say that I was at fault so often that I'd question how much of the issue was down to me and I was feeling like a failure for not resolving things. I'd normally think of myself as an intelligent and logical man but obviously wasn't dealing with this very well. As she just pointed out, I'm no angel and leave my dirty breakfast dishes in the sink (it sounds worse at 150 decibels!!). Thanks for all the feedback, I think that it's just what I needed to try to get things sorted properly. And don't worry, the kids are my number one priority.

I'm female. The menopause isn't a free card to be a dick.

'She told me never to speak to her again and slammed the door but came back a few minutes later to start again. I just raised the anger issue again and said that we needed to get some help. I think that this is going to be my tack now'

Call it what it is, abuse and bullying. Anger issues almost sanitises it especially when it's put down to hormones. Does she drink?

Keep telling her that verbally and emotionally abusing your dc has to stop. Try to ensure they aren't in her sole care as much as possible, set aside money for taxis or trains so they can do what they like without needing to ask her for lifts.

Don't you have anyone or does she, friends or whatever who could pop round and keep an eye when you are at work or give her some support if she is struggling ? Maybe suggest she increase her hours from 5 hrs a week to full time, why is she doing so little when the dc are 14 and 16? Time out of the home would give the dc the breather they desperately need.

Forget the menopause and hormones, take really constructive action to protect your dc from this awful woman.

You sound like a really good bloke @Witsend111 and I can get the picture of your life, a little. You work hard, fly overseas regularly for work, your income means the family has lovely holidays, your wife doesn't need to work (5-6 hours only), you pull your weight in the home, you have a disability (it seems) with no sight in one eye, your sons love you and talk to you.

But - do you ever get angry at home? How would your wife react if you hit the roof next time she behaves so badly? And told her she was out of order.

TBH she needs a wakeup call from you, not just a 'we need to work on your anger issue'. That's a good start, but is it enough?

Clearly she knows she has a problem by the flouncing and slamming of doors.

The question is- what is she going to do about it?

It may well be loss of hormones. They can be replaced. If she doesn't want to do that, see her GP, she needs to start taking responsibility for her behaviour and find another solution.

You need to up your game and be a lot more forceful. It might not be your nature, but it's needed now.

I think she would be shocked if you raised your voice and told her how you feel.

Maybe she needs to hear that.

I am 52 and I don't think this is menopause, it's a personality type. I'm not like this to my teenagers but my mother was like this to me.
It's that personality type that needs to control outcomes. Impossible of course, but they literally cannot cope with things working out in a way that they do not think is the best outcome, or the right outcome. They will move heaven and earth to keep things on their track. They will use overt control and covert control, manipulation and shame to keep the players around them to script.

I would learn to drive. It's actually notable that your wife has married somebody with less power. Take your power back. Don't get in to pointless arguments, but just look at areas where you have less power than her currently and go about changing that. it's utterly pointless to discuss it, or to tell her in advance, ''I plan to redress the balance of power here'' - just do it.

@Witsend111 look up Jerry Wise on youtube, the rules of the dysfunctional family. It was eye opening to me how my mother had us all obeying all of these rules. They were all unspoken. eg, her feelings mattered. Her needs were met.

any visible display of emotion that I revealed was proof of my weakness/insanity but any visible emotion she displayed revealed that she was the victim and I was the persecutor. (My dad was the rescuer).

Luckily for your sons you do NOT sound like you are stepping in to this role for a quiet life, so you will emerge from this with a relationship with your children.

I have no respect for my father, he's as bad as my mother, he enjoys being the ''rescuer'' when my mother casts me in the undeserved role of persecutor. He throws me under the bus to feel good and for a quiet life.

Stepping in when you can, and the whole house walking on eggshells isn't good enough.

You need to tell her that you are contacting your GP and SS for support.

Also that you intend to contact your childrens school to let them know that the children are being abused by her at home and that they need pastoral support.

At the moment her abuse is a dirty little secret, though I would imagine your son's girlfriends family have an idea by her refusal to collect him.

You cannot just allow this to drift on.

She is behaving so badly, what will you do if your son reacts to the abuse and goes for her?

What if he feels so provoked by her, that he strikes her?

That would be a shocking incident that would blight his life.

You cannot allow this continuous bullying abuse to continue.

Someone may crack under the weight of it.

You could also call 101 and ask for advice.

It's great that you can talk to your sons about women's health and hormones. BUT on the other hand, it's maybe painting a picture that could colour their own relationships so they 'allow' women to behave in this way and 'blame' their hormones.

If your wife was talking about her menopause or hormones to them and saying 'Sorry guys, I'm all over the place with this, I know I'm behaving badly, I need to try to get some help' that would be one thing. But she's not. She's refusing to engage with it even when you broach it.

You said you'd found some medication she was on (not HRT?)- what is it? Is she hiding something from you?