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Menopause

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Thoughts on stopping trying to conceive early perimneopause

15 replies

Aloevera123 · 29/03/2023 21:34

Hi not sure if this is the right place. I'm in my early 40s with a long family history of early menopause. Most relatives age 38 -42 had gone through the menopause by that age. I have lots of symptoms. Night sweats, hot flushes, mood swings, periods in absolute chaos, joint pain, anxiety, the list goes on. My gps solution however is to go back on the pill and go on anti depressants to manage symptoms as my hormone levels apparently don't seem too bad. I do plan on going back to discuss further as this then leads to a further dilema. My partner and I have been ttc for 3 years, I have 2 children. He has none. One of the main reasons I agreed to try for a baby was his desire for children of his own. If he didn't want me to get pregnant that would be fine. I'm happy with my two but he is great with them and after 9 years of being together it felt right to try so he could be a dad himself . Through various investigations over the last few months into the symptoms I've been experiencing there has been no reason found why I can't conceive. The docs said my partner should go for testing and they could then look at fertility treatment. However, my partner doesn't seem interested in doing so despite years of him saying he wants a child. I'm not really getting much out of him about his thoughts on this or whether I should go back on the pill. How I'm feeling generally hormonal is without doubt impacting our relationship. The other thing it's making me question is around how I'm making a life changing decision to have another child in my 40s, the additional risks and complications and both my children the eldest now in his 20s are at an age where some of my freedoms are finally back and my careers going from strength to strength. if he isn't able to even engage fully in a conversation about it it seems like the investment in this is quite one sided and that worries me. Its a little like yes i really want to have a child with you but hes ambivilant to any action taken and doesnt want to take any action himself. Its very strange. I've been feeling a lot of guilt that it's my fault that I've not been able to get pregnant and each month especially as my periods are everywhere I'm in the am I am I not situation. Recently I've started to feel relieved that I'm not but then guilty for feeling that way as he always seems sad when I tell him and all he does say is that he wants me to have a baby and goes quiet if I try to ask anything further. I'm reaching out I guess just to see what other people think about this? Has anyone been through similar? Obviously there will be emotions and worries on his side too but I'm feeling very stuck and too emotionally connected to see from all angles but also exhausted so going back on the pill to balance my hormones seems like a good option yet doing so will basically be a final decision to stop trying to conceive given the time I'm likely to have left based on my families history which i feel will potentially destroy an otherwise pretty good relationship.

OP posts:
RoddyStJames · 29/03/2023 22:22

If he isn’t prepared to have any investigations then why should you suffer on? I wouldn’t hesitate to go back on the pill in this situation. He doesn’t sound like he does seriously want a child given his lack of action. If he did, he did he would want to go for testing.

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 29/03/2023 22:27

I am your age OP, in peri, and I honestly could not be f*ed at all about having another kid. Actually fills me with dread.

HRT has been so incredibly helpful in managing my peri symptoms. I am on the coil and patches. Life changing. It helps me function but also protects my future health in relation to osteoporosis risk and heart disease.

I would focus on what is best for you and your two current children. That sounds like HRT.

JinglingSpringbells · 29/03/2023 22:30

Oh dear, this isn't great, is it?
I agree with the PP.
I'd park your own fertility issue and query why he's not wanting to get tested. Is he afraid he may have a low sperm count? It's not very responsible of him to say he wants his own child but isn't willing to see if he can!

Does he give you a reason why?

To be honest, I'd make it very simple and clear to him.

"Go and be tested, and let's see what that shows. Until you do, I'm not willing to try to conceive."

Aloevera123 · 30/03/2023 00:08

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. That's actually really helpful. It's hard to know if I'm just overreacting with how I'm feeling at the minute. @UsernameNotAvailableNow that's one of my worries is the health risks too, cholestrols shot up and my BP too in the last year despite having a good diet and being active or as much as I can with the endless fatigue! I do wonder if he doesnt really get just how much these things affect us. Also @JinglingSpringbells that's a really good point about him potentially feeling worried about the result. Maybe we're just so used to being prodded at for womens health issues, pregnancy and all that it's not as strange for us? Sadly even why ive asked direct the ussue gets deflected. But yeah feels frustratingly irresponsible and a bit unfair that I'm left just thinking is it all just my hormones. If I knew either way at least then that could be reconciled eitherway.

OP posts:
JinglingSpringbells · 30/03/2023 06:56

@Aloevera123 I meant to add last night that your GP is wrong to offer you the Pill and antidepressants. Anti Ds are not the treatment any more and GPs were told by NICE in 2015 not to use these (except in women who can't use HRT for medical reasons.)

Your symptoms should be treated with HRT.

To be honest , I'd be thinking deeply about my future with someone who behaved like this. He sounds as if he's a bit of a fantasist- thinking about having his own child but waiting 9 years with you to do that? And now blaming you when it's not happening.

If you have been with him for 9 years why has he only just started to talk about having a child with you now? Why didn't he suggest it years ago?

TheLurpackYears · 30/03/2023 07:08

Oh goodness me no, with a family history or premature ovarian failure/ early menopause I would be prioritising my own health and being on best form to raise the children I already have.
Get off the anti ds and get on some hrt. The Mirena and oestrogen patches would provide hrt amd contraception. Stop struggling on and take control.

Binfluencer · 30/03/2023 07:13

Good Lord, don't have a baby to make a man happy! Chances are more than likely you'll get stuck with all the work and there's a 50 percent chance you'll split up anyway!

This madness

TTC if YOU desperately want a baby but not on the off chance your DP will suddenly become engaged in the child once it's born

Binfluencer · 30/03/2023 07:15

Honest question

Would you be happier with a baby and everything that entails plus him OR without him?

Not saying LTB, more, is HE really, really worry this?

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 30/03/2023 09:50

Please dont have a kid with someone who won’t even discuss the basics of fertility with you!

JinglingSpringbells · 30/03/2023 10:32

all he does say is that he wants me to have a baby and goes quiet if I try to ask anything further.

You know what? I think he is resenting the possibility of you flourishing in a different way now that your other children are adults. Maybe he is insecure and trying to control you.

If you have been trying to 3 years, then it's possible HE is the one with low fertility but he wants to make is all your problem.

Honestly, OP, if he really wanted to be a dad, he'd have started suggesting it years ago, not when you hit 40. You've been with him for 9 years!

Aloevera123 · 31/03/2023 00:17

Thanks everyone, you know it's crazy these are all thoughts that have, do go through my head, if nothing else you've helped me feel not crazy. He's not all bad, it's just this which I guess is why its so difficult to firstly know what to do for the best but also I suppose know if what I'm feeling is just over reacting which judging by the comments I no longer feel I am which gives me strength I suppose so thank you for that, it's really appreciated. And @Binfluencer I actually chuckled when I read that. Already done the single mum thing, wouldn't change it for the world like buy yeah unequal distribution of labour's never fun! He is to be fair very hands on and helpful with my kids always has been so that's why this is all so crazy. Going to try and broach the subject again but with a sense of finality in tow and another appointment with the docs ready and waiting. This feedback has helped me feel able to do so so thankyou.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 31/03/2023 00:45

You've had two children so are not infertile. He on the other hand could be. Your GP is right he should get tested.

BTW many women historically in peri have had surprise babies, twins aren't uncommon.

I'm cross on you behalf that your partner won't do this one simple test

JinglingSpringbells · 31/03/2023 07:21

@Aloevera123 I hope you can see how unreasonable he's being.

There are several issues going on

1 Do you want another baby at 40+ when you have kids already in their 20s? (Unless you have an overwhelming urge to have another, with him I can't see why you would.)

2 Why did he/you wait 6 years to try? (you've been with him for 9 and started trying 3 years ago.) Surely if someone wants to be a father, they don't wait until their partner is 40+?)

3 I don't think he really does want a child. If he did he'd be tested, and he'd have started trying years ago.

I think the baby issue is a means of keeping you at home, under his control, and because he refuses to get tested when it doesn't happen, he's going to blame you.

Sorry but he doesn't sound a nice man.

WhereAreWeNow · 03/04/2023 21:54

OP the only question here is whether you want to have another baby and it doesn't sound to me like you do. The fact that your DP isn't willing to really communicate with you about such an important decision makes me even less convinced this is a good idea.

Aloevera123 · 08/04/2023 03:22

@JinglingSpringbells and @WhereAreWeNow sorry for ages for a reply been one of those weeks. In fairness to him it was probably me that was a bit two minded about more kids, he really is great with mine and even right back when we met he asked if I'd have another child which I was open to nearly a decade ago but I was finally sorting my career out after having kids young, had been married and all that so I never really thought anything of it him not rushing it. As time went on he always talked about at some point wanting a child of his own so knowing that there was a risk I'd go into early menopause as all my relatives have it was like now or never I guess from my point so we decided tigether lets go fo it. At first I would have wanted that absolutely but now it's like I'm feeling way too crappy to deal with it. It's a bit like I love the guy, he wants this and I could have seen that life but now I'm tired and if there's no effort the other way then why am I putting myself in that position. That's kind of why I reached out. Its not something I want to chat to people I'm close to about. I spoke to him again early this week. I'm I guess dancing around it a bit to avoid upset. The kids are home. I told him again how I need to manage my symptoms and to do so I need to be able to make the decision, one option being contraceptives. Which I know isn't what I should be offered, (women and health inequalities!) But if it brings some balance I'm like, anything will do! If this is a deal breaker in terms of our relationship then I need to know so I can decide, even if when I go to the docs again they offer me something different at this point I'm still a bit like I'm now getting past where I want this, 3 years ago I was in a different place. Anyways he eventually said OK yeah I should probably get tested and would ring his doctor this week. He hasn't. Then a week later I was looking up some stuff about whether contraceptives even make a difference if that's the best I can get from the docs for now. I'm also worried they'll mask symptoms so I won't know where I am with it. He was asking what I was looking at, so I told him. He literally said nothing. I told him I'm looking because I need to make a decision as that's what's on offer and was looking at if the pill would help if I don't get further with the doctor. Just silence. I could have asked direct questions I guess but I'm feeling like a nag and I'm literally not the one who wants to do this as such. I wouldn't be devastated but it would (have) been a blessing. A few hours after this I was in a full on hot flush moment, head drenched in sweat, he said you need to go back to the docs, thats it. I wonder if he's just avoiding because of his own anxieties or to not show his disappointment. I don't know. It could ruin the relationship but I'm going to put me first. I need respite from my crazy hormones! This threads helped. I don't feel as crazy. If things don't work out I can still move forward but yeah it takes two and at the minute it feels like it's all on me. I haven't told him yet, will this week. But I'm going to go back on the pill try to at least have some balance( unless the gp can suggest a better alternative) and then if he really wants this he can do the tests and we go from there. If he doesn't and doesn't elaborate on what's going on for him I stay on the pill. I don't want to be a single mum again in my 40s if I did by some miracle get pregnant and if it doesn't work out and this is showing me communication ain't working. Not a good sign :(

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