Frustrated with myself

KangarooKenny · 2023-02-18T16:52:24+00:00

For a year or two I’ve felt very frustrated with myself. I feel trapped in my life, but don’t do anything to change it. Ive been contemplating divorce on a daily basis, going from LTB to staying to LTB in 24 hours. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to go on HRT as this is my only symptom. Is it just me, or do others feel similar ?

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 17:05

You need to work out what you want, not compare yourself to other people.

No one is you!

If you are not happy with your partner, maybe book some counselling and talk about it all- and see how that feels.

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 20:07

I can’t work out what I want, that’s the problem !
I go round and round. I wondered if this is why others he’d experienced, and if it would go 🤔

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 18/02/2023 20:59

I feel my problems with my marriage started ramping up at the menopause. I just started feeling more resentment each and every day. It’s as if the automatic caring role I had been doing for so many years for everyone else just disappeared. My child was on the cusp of leaving. My own health problems came to the fore and I didn’t feel supported. I had lost a sense of who I was and what I wanted.

Then there came the period of about eight years where I went through what you describe. Should I leave, should I stay, over and over and over. I was less amenable, he got meaner, less kind. I tried to install boundaries, he lost patience.

Over the months and years it got worse and worse until LTB was practically all I thought about. Then I knew I wanted to leave, but didn’t know how to do it, where to go, how to tell him. Then a year or so later it all exploded in one nasty row.

Now we are divorcing and it’s still ugly and I still feel powerless but I know eventually I will be able to live singly and that’s my focus.

My only regrets are that I didn’t get it over with earlier and I didn’t prepare for this. I need all sorts of paperwork, bank statements, receipts which I wish I’d done something about.

Ive seen some of your other posts, so my advice is assume you will eventually leave, just not this day, or week, or month. Quietly make sure you know where all the money is, coming in and out. Find out what you can about your legal situation, and just wait your time.

If by any chance things improve, that’s great. But if it doesn’t, make tomorrow the first day of your Long-term-Get-out-Plan.

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 21:15

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 20:07

I can’t work out what I want, that’s the problem !
I go round and round. I wondered if this is why others he’d experienced, and if it would go 🤔

Sorry if I sounded harsh- not intended.

I suppose I was trying to ask you if this was hormonal (in your view) or if you had reached a kind of midlife crisis.

so that when you say you feel trapped, is that only by your marriage? or are there other issues like your job, or children, that are making you feel like this?

Do you enjoy being with your DH? If you don't, why, and is it anything you can change?

If you feel trapped, what would not being trapped look and feel like?

Have you talked to friends about it to see what they think?

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 21:37

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 21:15

Sorry if I sounded harsh- not intended.

I suppose I was trying to ask you if this was hormonal (in your view) or if you had reached a kind of midlife crisis.

so that when you say you feel trapped, is that only by your marriage? or are there other issues like your job, or children, that are making you feel like this?

Do you enjoy being with your DH? If you don't, why, and is it anything you can change?

If you feel trapped, what would not being trapped look and feel like?

Have you talked to friends about it to see what they think?

Show quote history

I’m not sure if it’s hormonal/menopausal, and so it will pass, or not.
In my mind I feel trapped, and yet I don’t know what I’d do to change it. I’m well aware that the grass isn’t always greener, and I don’t want to do something that I’ll regret.
I feel like I’d like to get out and about more, and I could do, yet I don’t do it and feel agitated.
I have spoken to my closest friend, she says her DH is a pain too but we’d be fools to end it. That all long term husband’s are annoying, that it’s not a reason to throw the towel in.

OP posts:

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 21:48

Isheabastard · 18/02/2023 20:59

I feel my problems with my marriage started ramping up at the menopause. I just started feeling more resentment each and every day. It’s as if the automatic caring role I had been doing for so many years for everyone else just disappeared. My child was on the cusp of leaving. My own health problems came to the fore and I didn’t feel supported. I had lost a sense of who I was and what I wanted.

Then there came the period of about eight years where I went through what you describe. Should I leave, should I stay, over and over and over. I was less amenable, he got meaner, less kind. I tried to install boundaries, he lost patience.

Over the months and years it got worse and worse until LTB was practically all I thought about. Then I knew I wanted to leave, but didn’t know how to do it, where to go, how to tell him. Then a year or so later it all exploded in one nasty row.

Now we are divorcing and it’s still ugly and I still feel powerless but I know eventually I will be able to live singly and that’s my focus.

My only regrets are that I didn’t get it over with earlier and I didn’t prepare for this. I need all sorts of paperwork, bank statements, receipts which I wish I’d done something about.

Ive seen some of your other posts, so my advice is assume you will eventually leave, just not this day, or week, or month. Quietly make sure you know where all the money is, coming in and out. Find out what you can about your legal situation, and just wait your time.

If by any chance things improve, that’s great. But if it doesn’t, make tomorrow the first day of your Long-term-Get-out-Plan.

Yes, I feel resentful. Yes, I don’t want to be the carer any more.
Im suffering from empty nest syndrome.
I don’t think that leaving DH will make it better, I’d be very lonely.
I can’t work out if this is just peri and it will pass, or if I’ve got some low level depression. Yet I enjoy my work, I enjoy walking my dog, I enjoy watching some TV programmes.

OP posts:

Original poster

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 21:51

Sorry about my pity party, thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

JinglingSpringbells · 18/02/2023 22:27

Could you access some counselling? It might help to say this aloud to someone impartial who can dig a bit deeper.

If you are staying in a dead marriage just so you won't be lonely, is that not just very lonely in itself? They say there's nothing more lonely than being with someone you don't want to be with.

Could you imagine creating a new life for yourself on your own?

Or plan an adventure like a grown-up gap year? (Not a year but maybe a month away to refresh yourself?)

Just throwing a few things out there!

junglemaze · 20/02/2023 05:11

I would go on holiday by yourself
For a week, see how you like life without him, without his company. Spend your solo time thinking about you and only you and do some soul searching xxx