TL, DR: I’ve been unwanted and excluded my entire life. Now I’m unwell and the GP is convinced it’s menopause symptoms. But I’m convinced that it must be cancer because the world has no place for me and I have no future prospects.
I have autism. So nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to employ me. Nobody has ever wanted to be in a long term relationship with me. People have frequently excluded me from social groups and clubs. Even at uni my dissertation supervisor refused to work with me. I’ve only had min wage jobs where they needed a warm body and didn’t care who.
Lately I’ve had breast pain spreading to arms, hands, back and hips. Pain in my left ribs. Upset tummy. Achy all over. Difficulty sleeping. Mammogram was clear, based on blood hormone levels my GP said menopause. But I’m convinced it’s cancer. Partly because I feel so unwell, how can menopause do all of this? And partly because I feel like I have no further purpose.
I’ve tried. Repeatedly. The world didn’t want me. Now I’ve run out of time. What’s left for me to do? It’s too late to hope and strive. At my age I’m supposed to be winding down, from a peak that I never achieved. I’m supposed to be enjoying friends and success, that I never had. In a few years I’ll be at the age where people take early retirement, but I’ve never earned enough to pay into a pension.
My daughter has reached school age and isn’t glued to me any more. Her Gran picks her up from school twice a week and could easily do it every day. I feel like I’ve served my purpose in producing and raising her, and now there’s no future for me. No career, no friends, no pension, no retirement, no plans. Nothing to carry onto the next stage of life. There’s nothing in my future but death. Which is why I feel like it’s imminent. Life feels like a big empty desert with nothing but a flashing neon sign saying “Exit this way”.