Feeling so dull and mid-life'y

[ItWasneaMe]

I think I'm probably in menopause 'properly' now. At 58, I haven't had a period for years. Currently on anti-depressants for mood swings [can't take HRT due to breast cancer history]. Feel old, stiff, achy and dull. I run 3/4 times a week and do pilates 1/2 a week, so I'm fit and healthy, but I feel so lifeless when I'm not running and don't know what my future holds. More dullness?

I work f-t and am bored and not getting the recognition / respect I had any more.

I have zero sex drive, so DH is getting frustrated and don't sleep well as I'm up all the time to pee. Fine all day, but as soon as I'm horizontal...I did manage a bit of a doze in bed this morning, but never quite relaxed as I'm waiting for the next signal to get up again!

I am now on the waiting list [sic] for the womens' health clinic to see a urogynaecologist re night time issues. Goodness knows how long that will take.

In the meantime all my friends seem to be retiring and enjoying it. We just can't afford to. My best friend has just moved 1.5 hour's drive away from 5 minutes away to a pretty country cottage and I feel a bit lost without her.

We can't move yet as all 3 of my adult aged children still live at home. Just feels like life is on hold.

Anyone else feel like this at this stage of life?

Yeah I feel the same only I have one DS who's 8. I'm 50 and still getting regular periods but the symptoms of peri are worsening and the aching when I wake up is horrific, I think there must be something wrong with me! I have a very rare sex drive and don't fancy DH any more so I try to avoid sex wherever possible. I know that's unfair on him. I can't just leave as there's literally nowhere else I could go. I just muddle along. Right now I wish I was at Glastonbury but I can't afford the ticket price. Yes I feel life is on hold forever.

Take up something new to excite you? Do something in the community? Volunteer to give something back? Campaign? Learn something new?

Anything to shake things up!

Where are you based? When I feel like this I go to an exhibition ( generally in London, but I also went to one in Bath a few months ago). Sometimes I just wander around a museum without having to pay for a special exhibition, and that's cheaper too. I also find walking helps to clear my head and help me think straight.

Absolutely this!
What are the dynamics like at home? I know from experience it can be very draining having adult children living with you - I always felt I had to be in mum mode rather than the real me.

Yes I feel the same.
51, stuck in a low paid job, menopause is destroying me, family miles away, partner driving me crackers, youngest son is two years away from finishing secondary school.. life feels on hold alright!

Don't know what the answer is. I just muddle along from day to day... that's all I can do right now.

If things become unmanageable, ask for a referral to a menopause clinic. Transdermal Hrt is generally safe for BC survivors ( well I take it, except it hasn't done a lot!)

Best wishes.

Yes I’m 54 , had breast cancer (strongly oestrogen positive) 6 years ago. I had my ovaries, tubes and womb out last year. I have vaginal atrophy, aching joints, hot flushes at night, and insomnia. Oh and yes I wee about 5 times a night!
Penetrative sex is impossible, I miss it and so does Dh.

I have been very daring and out my notice in at work, not sure what I will do next! Hoping that divine inspiration will come! 😬

Yes me too! I can’t find the motivation to shake things up and I just feel I’m stuck in a huge rut. I’m 53 and just feel so old and the niggles of menopause like dry eyes, dry skin, rosacea are really getting me down. I’m not finding HRT the panacea to everything menopause related either. I’m envious of people who seem to be sailing through it looking amazing and living their best lives. I have a teenager so hormones are all over the place in this house!

@Fififizz yes I have two teens here too. At times it feels like a war zone with the hormones just darting back and forth!!

Booseysmum I could have written much of your post myself.

Half of the time I just want to go and hide somewhere in my own space which doesn't help with the shaking things up aspect or else feel a bit impulsive and want to do something completely out of my comfort zone and I do get this feeling of being on a pendulum with my mood swinging from one extreme to the other. Also, thanks to good old peri-menopause, I feel like I just want to rest more (a superb addition to the lack of motivation). My dcs are young and creating so much mess but in another way, they force me to get on with stuff. Relationship is not great (as others have posted) and I don't want to be at home half the time to get away from it all (so then struggle to keep on top of mess but this isn't the way I want to spend my life). I have thought about voluntary work but then loose motivation as I want to do the right kind of 'doing' whatever that is and not just muddle along like I seem to do with my home life. I get the feeling I'm looking for something but won't ever find what that something is and then at other times I am able to focus on the here and now and be grateful for what I've got (and I have got so much to be grateful for) but then the feeling of missing something comes back again (pendulum effect again and roll on therapy).

I have done a fair bit of work on myself (with the help of therapy) but realised this week that I need to do more. It would be good to sit around with other women in a similar situation and drink tea/wine/gin and feel less alone from time to time.

Nothing much more to add but watching your thread with interest.

And just to add, I am unable to take HRT.

I relate to this so much. Three DCs here, aged 8-15 and I just can’t be bothered with any of it. I end up just scrolling on my phone half the time, and then I feel so guilty that I’m not truly parenting them. Sometimes the washing isn’t even done but I can’t be arsed.

I’ve tried taking up new hobbies but I still feel flat. Also stuck in a low-paid job so my options are limited in terms of doing fun things. There’s just no disposable income for that. My friends are all mid-forties and don’t seem to have hit this wall yet. I’m younger than them and am in peri early but I feel they’re not interested in someone 5 years younger than them moaning about the menopause.

@Escapetowonderland I also just want to talk to other women about this but have no one who can relate!

@Tadpoll I’m exactly the same and I’m only 40. Most of my friend that are mid forties to mid fifties aren’t even going through this crap yet. I feel robbed of life.

I had been experiencing massive anxiety for no reason, brain fog, aches and pains and general dissatisfaction with everything the last few years. Had hormones checked but they were apparently “ok”.

Then I hit 40 last year and my periods just stopped. I’ve had a few random ones since, so it’s not complete yet, but I wish I’d been able to recognise it earlier as I feel my best years have been ruined. I’m fat and shapeless with no energy or enthusiasm. My friendships have changed and I just feel I need to build myself back up from the ground. I know it’s meant to be a good opportunity to see yourself anew and create the life you want but I’ve still got a pre-teen and full on mum duty, I don’t have the time or energy for that!

I’ve also developed a scrolling habit because it takes no energy and I feel I’m always looking for information, tips and inspiration (although I never do anything with it as my brain and body are too tired)! Ugh. I need a path out of this.

Yes, I'm prone to scroll as well. Looking for inspiration or others in a similar boat mainly.

Crazypavedlife I understand what you have written about changing friendships. I like my friends but I've changed in lots of ways and I feel I need a different circle(s) of friends as well - more likeminded I suppose.

I don't work currently but have young primary school aged children so feel there are a lot of constraints currently. I did work (got made redundant) and felt how many of you described - low paid and essentially under-valued.

I find weight hard to shift but apparently there is nothing wrong with my thyroid (according to GP who tested a few months ago -- there is family history of this). I have also had covid and it played havoc with my periods (extremely heavy and prolonged which has caused anaemia). Trying to get my health back together but generally feel like I've taken a battering. I think we need so much rest when we feel like this - we lose the ability to plough on or if we do we end up feeling burnt out.

Sorry to hear you've had no joy out of trying new hobbies Tadpoll. I've tried something new and decided it wasn't for me and tried something else and decided it was okay but still felt flat. Struggling to find the spark. I can understand why some people just chuck everything up in the air and start anew. Probably, the grass isn't much greener but I understand this now. I'm definitely not in a position to do this so no chance it will apply to me currently.

It's realy difficult when you don't know anyone in real life who understands what you are talking about (as in my case). You may, if you're lucky, get sympathetic nods but it's different to talking to someone who really gets it.

And yes to also feeling a lot of mum guilt. My energy has vanished (most of it anyway) and it's really difficult to remain level-headed at times as my patience seems a lot less too. I don't feel as present as I was previously and this does play on my mind as I had an emotionally absent mother. I try to spend time with the dc in short bursts but give them my undivided attention. None of this is easy, is it.

Oh my goodness, this is exactly me. I’m not ‘present’ most of the time for my kids at the moment and I also feel huge guilt about this as my mum was also emotionally absent. I don’t want to be like this!

I actually had a chat with my teen daughter earlier and told her that my hormones were making me not feel like myself. I was really honest about not having any motivation, feeling lethargic, hating how I look and feeling generally crap. I think she can relate as teenagers feel the same a lot of the time!

I’m a single parent too so I have no one to take the load with the kids. I feel like I’m failing.

Can I join too?

Peri-meno and teens and tired, so tired of parenting & worried I will be parenting for more years than I want

When do we, as women get our lives back?

Tried HRT and did nothing positive unfortunately it is tough

Yes, I feel the same.I'm 49 with 2 teenagers. One is about to go to uni and the other in his GCSE years. I feel completely drained and taken for granted. I had sex with my DH for the first time in a year last weekend and it made me feel so guilty that I've avoided sex for that long. He's a handsome man and so kind and fun and he just doesn't deserve my lack of sex drive. I feel overweight, everything is sagging and I just feel so restricted in my life. What happened to the person I was in my 20's?

I've just had a few months of psychotherapy as I was having c-ptsd symptoms. The therapist has been brilliant. We've talked about what lies ahead in the future and I realised I've got so much fire in me and so much I want to do with the rest of my life. But at the moment trying to channel that into something positive feels too much along with everything else. I try to stay on a really even keel for the sake of the kids as I was brought up in a very disruptive environment and it effected me quite badly, but my God, it's so knackering. Sometimes I just want to leave and never come back. But then I love them all so much I could never do it.

I used to have an amazing job but gave it up when I had the kids. I do work and it's a job I really like but it's very low key. I just keep thinking, 'What if?' I'm not taking HRT but maybe I should try it.