I don't know what's wrong with me

[LaMigraine]

I'm sure I'm perimenopausal as I have plenty of physical symptoms and have done for a year or two (I'm 47), but the mental health side is what I can't deal with at the moment. The thing is, it's not brain fog exactly (although I do get that - forgetting thoughts the minute I've had them, etc), it's just a total unwillingness to engage in anything.

I don't want to work, I don't want to do household chores, I don't want to engage emotionally with anyone's problems (this isn't like me at all, I'm usually an empath), I don't want anyone to want anything from me. I can't get on board with supporting my kids' schoolwork and I can't be bothered to make them do piano practice, or revise. I can't be bothered to wean my son off the screens he's on so often - again, before I was quite strict about these things but now I just can't seem to find the energy to deal with it. My mother, aunt, MIL all have serious health problems and while I do what's necessary to help, I know I should be doing more for my mum in particular. I used to do tons for my kids' school, and enjoy it, but now I just don't want to. I could go on, but you get the gist.

The thing is, is this perimenopause related? Yes I have low moods sometimes but have been on sertraline for a couple of years so that has dealt with the anxiety, but this complete lack of desire to do anything/engage with difficult - or even simple - issues or emotional relationships doesn't feel like anything I've experienced before. I've been through a couple of periods of depression at different times of my life, but this doesn't feel like that either. You wouldn't know anything was wrong unless you lived with me 24/7 because I can manage social stuff fine, it's as though I can 'switch on' for a few hours when necessary, but then as soon as I'm home again I'm back to wanting to run away from everything.

Sorry - I wasn't expecting this to be so long! If you have read this far and have any words of wisdom, I'd be so grateful. I guess I just want to know if this sounds perimenopause-related and if HRT might help. I've avoided it so far as physical symptoms are irritating but mild, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this.

I was absolutely the same. Everything was 'meh'. I just couldn't be arsed with anything. Everything felt like a chore and I felt like everyone wanted a piece of me but nobody was giving anything back. I started HRT & am pretty much back to normal. Even DS has noticed I'm more 'fun' again like I used to be.

TBH it sounds as if this started 2 years ago when you were put on ADs. Maybe that ought to have been HRT?

There is (yet) another article in the Mail today by Mariella Frostrup on her meno and symptoms of- worth a read as it's much like yours.

Also things like sertraline dampen mood and emotions when they are hormonal. The treatment is hormones!

I'm 47 and feel like that a lot too. The key thing is I don't feel like it all the time. Sometimes I'm motivated and enjoy getting things done but in general I can't be bothered with most things. I can't even be bothered with fun things like socialising (which I used to enjoy). It's hard when you feel like this and you're a mother because there's so much to do! And so many people needing your time and attention. I often just wish everyone would leave me alone.

iklboo "Everything was 'meh'. I just couldn't be arsed with anything. Everything felt like a chore and I felt like everyone wanted a piece of me"

Yes! This is exactly it.

SallyWD "I often just wish everyone would leave me alone" - yes, me too, except I feel like this most of the time, rather than just sometimes. And yes, it's extra hard with children because they need so much, practically and emotionally, and I just don't feel like I have anything to give.

JinglingHellsBells "TBH it sounds as if this started 2 years ago when you were put on ADs. Maybe that ought to have been HRT?" - yes, I'm sure you're right, and I wish I'd known 2 years ago that anxiety is a prime symptom of perimenopause. I guess at the time I didn't think I was old enough to experience perimenopause (and again at the time I knew almost nothing about it), so it wouldn't have occurred to me that it was related. Also I had spent a year project managing a big renovation, and there were things going on in my emotional life, so I put it down to those factors. I'm a bit disappointed my GP didn't raise it as a possibility, but maybe she thought I was too young too.

@LaMigraine The range for periods to stop completely is 45-55. The average age is 51. In the Western world now, they do regard under 50 as early, but ....

Peri meno can last 5-10 years.

I could have written this post as currently feeling the same. HRT helped but recently it hasn’t so I’m attempting increasing my HRT. In addition to the general can’t be bothered ness I have difficulty concentrating too. Hoping HRT will kick in soon but fearful it won’t be enough. It’s horrid feeling this way, like you’re not really engaging with life, you have my sympathies.

I know just how you feel. I am 49 and in the exact same place you are in right now. I have felt like this the last few years.
I don’t want to engage in anything of with anyone.
I really should be at my parents, mum has Alzheimer’s and I help them out most days but I honestly don’t want the responsibility of it, my peri brain can not hack it.
DH is off today and so far has mowed the lawn, taken the car to the garage and started painting the house, I’ve been on my screen all day, willing the day to come to an end so I can go to bed and not have to engage with anyone or have any responsibilities or tasks to do.
I am suppose to be supporting my ds through his GCSE’s right now, I feel like an awful parent saying this but ai can’t be arsed I just don’t have it in me to engage, my 14 year old dd sits on Tik Tok for hours and I feel awful that I am allowing this but just can’t get going on anything else. My dh comes home and chats away, I nod every now and then but I am not really listening and then get told I’m forget as I haven’t really taken anything in.
My anxiety is sky high, so many different worries, I feel like my brain is shutting down because it can not handle the pressure of everything.
I would happily just stare at a wall all day long.
But when I do go out, say for work or with friends, I will put on a mask and get on with it, pretend all is ok and I am coping with life but I don’t feel like I am but wear this mask so people think I’m ok but inside, nothing.
I definitely think it’s a peri thing but my GP says I’m not in perimenopause! I’ve just changed surgeries so hope I get somewhere with a new GP.
Would you try HRT?

Sorry for the bad typos couldn’t even be arsed to type properly lol!

If you find out, let me know! It's like the engaged, socially responsible, community minded me got washed away in a slightly too long shower!

Sod 'em all. It's every middle aged woman for herself, round here!

It sounds exactly like my perimenopause and actual menopause OP.
The just overwhelming feeling I just wanted to go to bed for the rest of my life and not be bothered with anything, especially work.
If women knew this before it all started they would have saved up enough money (if that's even possible these days) to have a year off work.
I can only imagine the nightmare if you are an older mum and have three young children when this all starts. Doesn't bear thinking about.

Oh wow, thanks for the responses, it's so good to know it's not just me - but also not good at all to know that other people are suffering the same. Nocrispsinthehouse are you sure you're not me?! That is exactly how I feel most days, and it's the same with my DH - he's got stuff on his plate too (terminally ill mother, too much work) yet he's still productive, bustling around getting things done in the house while I just . . . can't. And thank god he does, otherwise we'd have no clean clothes and no hot meals. And yes, picklemewalnuts, same same - I don't know where all my social and emotional engagement has gone, it's like it's just vanished in a puff of smoke.

I guess I need to start HRT because I HATE feeling like this - not to mention that it's not sustainable because things like not being arsed with work is going to come back to bite me eventually (I'm self-employed and reliability/reputation is everything). Nocrispsinthehouse I'm in awe/sad that you've felt like this for so long - do you not want to try HRT? Or maybe you have and it hasn't worked, or you can't take it for some reason. I hope you can find something that helps you though - you deserve to feel better than this! I've avoided HRT so far because my mum and maternal aunt have had breast cancer - and I KNOW that actually the elevated risk is actually small and when weighed against the benefits of HRT (better protection against heart disease, osteoporosis, Alzheimer's etc) it's six of one and half a dozen of the other, etc but it still niggles. And actually my mum took HRT and now has Alzheimer's, so...

Nocrispsinthehouse Sorry I've just reread your post and seen you haven't had the chance to try HRT yet - I really hope you make progress with the new GP. I'm lucky in that mine offered it straight away - it probably helps that she's around my age and obviously has an interest in staying informed about the subject!

I’m like this, but I can’t decide if it’s peri or the whole covid thing.
I just can’t be bothered going out.
I used to go out for coffee and a mooch round the shops on my days off, now I can’t be arsed. I buy the minimum clothes I need from Next and have them delivered. Food is delivered by Morrisons.
I used to holiday3/4 times a year, now I have no inclination whatsoever to go away for a day or a week.

Solidarity, OP.

My first thought was that sertraline was perhaps not a good idea on the part of the GP, and that HRT might have been better.

I take my hat off to anyone who's in this phase of life and is trying to muster up the interest/energy in younger children. Thank God mine are adults - I'm not sure I'd have been very good with them at the age and stage I'm at now (50, but have been peri for 4-5 years). I was uber-empathetic when I was younger, and now I basically don't give a shit.

I like my HRT, though. I had to come off it for a bit and really noticed the difference when I went back on it. Nothing major - I just felt generally better.

I'm definitely going through the menopause, and have completely lost the motivation to crack on and get things done, and have the, 'cant give a shit' feeling....until 2am, when I lie awake for hours with gnawing anxiety at what a huge fucking failure I'm being.
I started HRT patches a couple of weeks ago (had previously been told I couldn't have HRT) and think I'm starting to improve...fingers crossed.
Good luck op

I wondered about it being in part down to the effects of covid too. We’ve adapted to do things differently and ditto for me browsing round shops, buying clothes seems unnecessary and pointless now. I dunno 🤷‍♀️

Totally empathise
I'm menopausal and haven't found the right HRT yet.
I can literally feel my brain shutting down.

To give an example. I work as a TA in a SEN school. Next week is exams week. Assistant Head ( my age) is speaking to staff about the plan for the week, how we need to scribe/ read for the children and how it's going to be a manic week. I am listening, but it's not going in. My mind is in over drive with other stuff. My eldest teen has a level mocks soon. My 14 year old son has just been externally excluded for deliberately setting off the fire alarm at school. I need a higher paid job. We need to move house. Work experience with my kids at school, involved making bloody almond slices..never made the damm things in my life and took me 4 attempts to separate egg white and yolk!

Life feels too much.

It's hard and I empathise with any woman experiencing similar.

Sometimes I could just sit and do nothing! I am not the person I was.

HazeyjaneIII oh gosh yes - that wolf-hour self-recrimination is the worst. Lying awake thinking why can't I just sort it out. Feeling like the world's biggest failure because I can't do anything and can't shake myself out of it.

Runaround50 "Life feels too much . . . I am not the person I was" Yes. This. So much this. I have a teen who has terrible anxiety and a pre-adolescent whose mental health has also taken a battering from all the lockdowns and is still a long way from being back to the happy kid he was before. A parent with Alzheimer's, another (in-law) who is terminally ill. Even the cat died suddenly a few weeks ago and devastated us all. All these things exacerbate how I feel and yet before I felt like this I would have been able to deal with them much better, if that makes any sense - or rather I would have been able to deal with them full stop, rather than just shutting off from them as much as possible.

LaMigraine Crikey we are in similar positions. My MIL was terminally ill and sadly passed away 18 months ago but DH just gets on with things, I suppose keeping busy is how he gets on with life where I just want to shut down with life’s responsibilities and all the crap which comes with it. I am scared to take HRT but am not going to rule it out (if I do manage to find a GP who will prescribe it for me!) as they say it helps prevent Alzheimer’s, osteoporosis and heart disease which sadly my mum has all 3 but I also know someone who was on HRT for years and still succumbed to dementia. I’m so sorry your mum also has Alzheimer’s, bloody horrible disease isn’t it? I feel so helpless with it.

Hello OP
I feel very similar- unable to do anything- am typing this in bed.
All the things I used to enjoy I have stopped really.
Struggling with my own opinions and what to do for the best for the kids.

I have had a really shitty few years, even pre covid. My Dh main breadwinner lost his job, and struggled to get a new one
Then got made redundant in covid
I have dipped in and out of work myself during this time, put on 2.5 stone of weight including a period of ignoring my children, eating chocolate and watching box sets on my phone during the winter lockdown of 2021
I am recently off sertraline a low dose but also starting to wonder whether there is some adhd in there too, which prevents me from being able to get started.

I am sorry my reply is really long too.
I just wanted to send solidarity

Oh dear
And now I have killed the thread
😔

Totally agree with everything that has been said about not being bothered about anything.

please also get Vitamin D levels checked as low levels can have similar symptoms, and low Vit D brain fog plus peri brain fog is unmanageable. Just peri is just about possible to live with

HRT and Vitamin D make me almost normal

I need to chime in in total empathy with all that’s been said. I’m on HRT & AD for a few weeks now and although on the outside I appear more ‘together’ than before I still feel detached. I wondered if it was the lack of sleep getting to me and that must be part of it but there’s an additional numbness. We had a lovely friend over for lunch today and they were bringing some amazing home made food with them and when I thought about what to I could cook all that came to mind was ‘what’s the minimum effort I can go to without looking bad’. I can only theorise that if we’re not getting the usual dopamine ‘hit’ from a job well done then it will quickly feel like a chore